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Anyone else felt abandoned by their own mother after baby?

(9 Posts)
Cloud9889 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:24:35

So my relationship with my mother has not always been amazing but we mostly have got on ok. There have been times in the past where she has not been there for me emotionally which has been hard and same for my siblings. She is a fairly (outwardly at least) cold and unemotional person.
Since getting pregnant 5 years ago with my DC she has seemed to distance herself from me. She can be quite sarcastic and has said some things I have found hurtful such as teasing me about a pill I was taking (vitamin) saying it must be my happy pill when I was getting treatment for depression. I feel on edge when I am around her. She doesn't see me much unless my dad Is with her - that is another issue in itself but sometimes I don't know why he has to be there for everything. She doesn't seem to want mother daughter time like ever whereas as a teenager and child we would often spend time together. I feel like our relationship is quite fake with me putting up a front and trying to be fine with her when underneath I am quite hurt.
It hurts when I see people talk about their mums being involved in their lives at playgroups etc. Does anyone understand or can share a story ? I pretend I think my mum is amazing but really she has hurt me and my sisters feelings so much - ps as you can prob guess I hate confrontation but recently I have bb trying to pull my mum up on her sniggering and hurtful comments ... progress! :S

Kit1411 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:52:45

Sorry to hear this, it must be upsetting when you’re the one trying. When you mentioned teenager/child time was she a young mum? Maybe she resents having children young, if this is the case, and has just never gotten over that. Which is something she needs to deal with rather than being cold towards you and your siblings. It’s a shame but maybe that’s how she’d prefer it and you’re best putting that effort towards other people who want to give you time and support. I’m sure you don’t want confrontation but if she asks you why you seem to have distanced yourself maybe just be honest and say. Maybe you won’t get much back but surely she’ll go home and think about what has been said.

Aussiebean Fri 01-Dec-17 06:32:19

I told my mother I was pregnant at 13 weeks.

Numbers of calls I have had from her asking how I am, how is the baby, how I am feeling before/after the birth, how early motherhood is going ... up too now where my dc is 2 1/2....

ZERO

Some mothers were never meant to be mothers. I am just hoping i don’t repeat that.

flowers

NotAgainYoda Fri 01-Dec-17 07:13:40

I think she doesn't have it in her to be emotionally nurturing - which is a pretty horrible thing for you to hear and will be something that will of course be at the forefront of your mind now you are a mother. Motherhood brings up a lot of emotions and insights from our own childhoods.

It may be that whatever is going on for her has its roots in her own childhood but you can't do anything to change that.

I agree with Kit1411. Your best option is to put your energies into people who support and nurture you. And distance yourself from her. And maybe psychotherapeutic help for yourself if it becomes too distressing for you to deal with or as a way of helping you get that distance.

NotAgainYoda Fri 01-Dec-17 07:14:06

Aussie You won't, because you have insight into yourself flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 01-Dec-17 07:44:09

My mother's process of distancing herself from me started properly in my teens; as the "more capable" one I was trusted, well left actually, to get on with it. She also favoured my brother and that dynamic has not changed. My dad's been both her enabler and bystander in all this. I also think this has its roots in her own childhood, she reminds me very much of her father who was himself unemotional and at times cold hearted.

My parents relationship these days with my own family unit is practically non existent.

I totally agree with this comment:-

"I agree with Kit1411. Your best option is to put your energies into people who support and nurture you. And distance yourself from her. And maybe psychotherapeutic help for yourself if it becomes too distressing for you to deal with or as a way of helping you get that distance"

I would only add that you need both firm and consistently applied boundaries when it comes to such people like your mother. This can be difficult though if you have been encouraged not to develop any.

And Aussiebean, you won't become your mother. You are completely separate to her and you have qualities that she lacks, namely empathy and insight.

strugglingtodomybest Fri 01-Dec-17 07:56:13

It hurts when I see people talk about their mums being involved in their lives at playgroups etc.

Doesn't it just? I can empathise with you, although I've never been close to my mum - not one single memory of doing anything just the two of us. Although to anyone looking in, we probably appear quite close as I see her a lot.

As soon as I announced my pregnancy my mum announced that she wouldn't be available for regular childcare (I never asked/implied/hinted that she would be!) and started going on about how X was a fool for looking after her GC one day a week so her daughter could work.

I found it extremely hurtful, but I don't know why I was surprised. Luckily my MIL was fantastic, I don't know what I'd have done without her.

InTheGutterLookingAtTheStars Fri 01-Dec-17 08:01:49

My parents emigrated when I was pregnant with DS1 so yes, you're not alone 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 01-Dec-17 08:12:33

My mother told me in my teens that she would not look after any children I went on to have and she kept to her word. She also did this re going on about how X was a fool for looking after her GC one day a week so her daughter could work.

I also felt very hurt and it has hardened my resolve not to behave like she in particular did if I ever become a grandmother myself. I can recall feeling alone many times particularly when my child was younger. It was hard to sit alone watching your child perform at the Christmas play when you are seemingly surrounded by parents who arrive with a slew of family members.

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