Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Boyfriend is not bothered about anything

(52 Posts)
emily279 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:30:49

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we have lived together for 5 years. We have finally just bought our first place together (a flat) and today got notified that our move in date will be the 14th December.

I'm so excited, but he just seems completely disinterested. I asked earlier in the week what weekend he would be free to move or if he could get a day off work for the move and he said "there's no point thinking about it until we get a completion date". Now that we have a completion date I asked if he could book a van for that weekend and he says he's got a night out to go to so he will be hungover that weekend and is too busy to book a van right now.

He's shown absolutely no interest in choosing furnishings for the flat or anything like that, so I've been trying to do everything myself. We have been living at his parents for 3 weeks whilst we waited for our completion date and whilst I am very grateful to them, I have begun to find it a strain because I miss having my own space and being able to do as I please. He doesn't seem to notice this and is frequently out drinking after work, leaving me on my own at his parents.

All of that I have just accepted and got on with without complaint. But now I just feel completely disheartened that a night out drinking is more important to him than moving into our first real home together. Surely any loving man would set aside the time to make the move but he's acting grumpy about it? He's the same about anything we do together - he's not bothered about holidays and has no opinion on where we should go and makes me feel like I'm dragging him along.

He's the kind of man who walks off in front and doesn't look back to check that I'm even still there. He's let me go to Ikea before (because he couldn't be bothered to go with me) to pick up furniture that was heavy so I had to ask strangers in the car park to help me get it in my car. He doesn't carry my bags or hold my hand when we are out. He doesn't ever tell me he loves me. Together 6 years and not engaged.

I have been in this relationship and treated this way for so long that I wonder if I've forgotten how I should actually be treated? I always wonder if I'm over-reacting. I love him and we get on really well and he makes me laugh a lot. I just feel sad right now.

PNGirl Thu 30-Nov-17 16:33:11

Have you exchanged contracts? If you haven't, don't. It sounds like he's checked out and is (badly) going through ghe boyfriend motions.

emily279 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:34:39

We exchanged months ago. His behaviour isn't really new. He's always been like this but sometimes its worse (like now) than other times

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Nov-17 16:35:40

Why are you buying a house this guy?
He sounds like a rubbish boyfriend.
If you haven't exchanged then please pull out of the house sale.
Life with this selfish fun sucker will be horrible.

LuxuryWoman2017 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:40:23

Buying a house is a massive deal, a life changing event and he'll be too hungover?

Hope you're not planning children with him, seriously.

Movablefeast Thu 30-Nov-17 16:44:21

He sounds like a complete jerk who doesn't give a toss about you, why are you even with him?

happypoobum Thu 30-Nov-17 16:45:08

Oh dear. Do you need his income to afford this place? Does it have a spare room you can rent out? How much was your deposit? I would be thinking if pulling out.

What would he say if you said, Ok then, I will cancel it and we'll just have to lose the money?

He sounds like a complete waste of space sad

Thebluedog Thu 30-Nov-17 16:47:23

I’d be seriously thinking of pulling out regardless if you lose money. He sounds like he’s completely checked out from you

happypoobum Thu 30-Nov-17 16:47:37

He's always been like this but sometimes its worse (like now) than other times

Have a think about this. Was he really really nice in the lead up to you agreeing to buy a place with him?

Does he just turn on the charm when he needs to and then switches back to his real self when you are trapped?

Amatree Thu 30-Nov-17 16:48:16

He sounds awful and sorry but it does sound like you're just dragging him through life. Once you get rid of him and are with someone right for you and who can be bothered, you will see how wrong this is. You probably have to go through with the flat purchase now but you can get it back on the market asap or if it's a new build maybe consider not moving in at all so it retains more value for resale. But it sounds like you really need to end the relationship as it will only drag you down and make you miserable and lose all sense of self worth to be with someone who so clearly isn't arsed. Good luck!

Nyx1 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:51:06

when you say his behaviour isn't new, do you mean he ignores things that need doing a lot of the time?

do you do all the domestics?

letsdolunch321 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:52:14

He sounds a right catch, seriously he needs to up his game or you need to tell him to jog on.

emily279 Thu 30-Nov-17 17:03:30

Walking away from the house purchase isn't an option at this point. I do most of the domestics yes. He is sort of in his own world. We don't really go out and do anything together because he doesn't like to. So I have learnt to become completely independent really. I do all the bills and shopping by myself and just bill him for half the amount each month. If we go on holiday, I research and book it. When I go to see my family, I go on my own and he doesn't ever come with me.

I don't feel like I want to leave the relationship, which must sound strange to you all. We do enjoy each others company. But I do also wonder at times like this what it would be like to have a partner who is really "with" me. I really don't want to sound big-headed but I think I am quite intelligent, I have a good job and earn good money (so does he), I never nag or moan at him and I am very capable and independent as I say. So I wonder why he just doesn't seem to appreciate me at all.

I always imagined that moving in to my first house would feel like a momentous occasion and I would celebrate it. But because he's not interested, its all just fallen flat.

queenofthesheds Thu 30-Nov-17 17:07:14

OP, Google sunk cost fallacy. Hes just not that into you, or the life you want. Love isn’t looking inward at each other, it’s looking outward in the same direction.

Nyx1 Thu 30-Nov-17 17:11:28

well if you're happy with things as they are and you knew what he was like....what can we say?!

Ellie56 Thu 30-Nov-17 17:12:15

The title of your thread says it all OP

Boyfriend is not bothered about anything including you.

You can do better than this.

Movablefeast Thu 30-Nov-17 17:12:27

You seem to have set yourself the absolute minimum standards for a relationship. This is in fact barely a relationship at all - it's just sounds like (very distant) friends with benefits. No fun, no togetherness, no intimacy, no desire, noone to do things with and no commitment. I assume you have sex with him? He doesn't seem to be remotely interested in you. Why are you pretending to be satisfied when really it is deadly boring and sad? Don't you want more out of life for yourself?

PNGirl Thu 30-Nov-17 17:14:47

That's a flatmate, not a boyfriend.

emily279 Thu 30-Nov-17 17:14:57

I don't know really. I just need somewhere to vent because I'm trapped and can't talk to anybody. I can't tell my friends or my Mum about it because they will then just hate him and that makes everything worse.

I'd like to think there is something better for me out there but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I would be terrified to leave and be on my own. And I love him and I would miss him. But at the same time I don't feel happy. So I don't know what the answer is.

yetmorecrap Thu 30-Nov-17 17:15:02

my first husband was like this. he was like it before we married and carried on much the same. He was known to go to the chinese and off licence and come back with a meal and a drink just for him. he never 'asked' if he could go to pub to meet his mates either even when we had small children, same with going to football, just told me at the point he was going out. he was however pretty young when we married (22) when he married again I know he vastly improved as I think he had a huge shock when I left.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry Thu 30-Nov-17 17:15:05

Time to cut and run before you waste anymore time with him. Find a guy who looks back for you. They exist!

Movablefeast Thu 30-Nov-17 17:18:20

How old are you emily ? How long have you been with this guy and how did you get together? Have you had any other relationships?

gamerchick Thu 30-Nov-17 17:18:47

Okay, while you get this loser out of your system ring fence 2 things. DO NOT marry this man and DO NOT have babies with him. Then you stand a chance of coming out of it reletively unscathed.

That getting out point will come.

RidingWindhorses Thu 30-Nov-17 17:23:17

I really don't want to sound big-headed but I think I am quite intelligent, I have a good job and earn good money (so does he)

So why are you wasting your life on this dead relationship? If you're intelligent then you know it's not true that there's nothing you can do about it. What are you afraid of? If your mum and friends are intelligent they won't hate him for not being right for you. I suspect you're more concerned they'll say the same things as posters here and chivvy you to leave.

Jaxinthebox Thu 30-Nov-17 17:24:09

gamerchick is spot on! He isnt your 'forever' . - actually he isnt even your 'in the meantime' . you dont have a partnership. You are his mother!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: