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In need of advice or a slap :(

(43 Posts)
MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 10:38:27

Ok, so around 7 years ago things were very shitty between me and OH, we'd just bought a house and he spent Fri-Mon morning in the pub with no contact or care for me. One night he even tried to get into the house at midnight with his friend. When I refused to let them in he actually smashed the front door window and ran away! (being 25 at the time!!) these staying out over weekends and me feeling like a skivvy through the week went on for a good couple of years. We'd break up then make up. I found messages that he'd joined 'hooker' sites and messaged a girl local to us to meet for sex - still denies it to this day that he met her in the end. He was very secretive with his phone and actually smashed it to pieces because I tried looking through it one night when he'd come home drunk after work one eve. Anyway, flash forward to about 6 months after all this, I buy a new car and get chatting to the salesman - nothing in it, just friends. Wasn't even that good looking but was nice to actually talk to someone. As weeks went on we talked more and I'd opened up about problems in my relationship and he too was in a relationship so was all just on a friendship level. I saw that my relationship wasn't healthy and after being out all weekend once again I decided to kick him out. Things started happening with the other guy and so I moved back in with parents and let ex have house. couple months later we patched things up and he read through my emails between me and this salesman and in his words 'I cheated' Going back to now (7 years later) we have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old and have moved again. Problems are still there in his head that I cheated on him and I want this other guy still and I'm not intimate with him because of it. He says things feel forced and he's not happy and I tricked him into have the children because although he knew of the 'affair' he only found out a yr ago that I #mutters# gave him a blow job sad so now it's all dredged up again) I've spent nights at home and for him to return from pub calling me slag and slut, he's only here cause of the kids, not to talk when out because all I do is talk shit! and bringing all the past up again. The reason I don't want sex every night and only once or twice a week is because I work full time, look after two toddlers, do all shopping, HW, cooking etc and have no help. He's suggested counselling and moving out for abit. What are your thoughts. Can you get over something like this? He's gotten us around 25k into debt with gambling over the last 3 years and he's now just said it's because of me because he's trying to be 'good enough' for me. Said he took me to Paris 5-6 yrs ago to try impress me but I wanted was to be wined and dined (doesn't everyone)?? He thinks he can take everything from me and give nothing back. I've said that if he helped more then I'd be less tired and want to be intimate yet this is my problem??

SendintheArdwolves Thu 30-Nov-17 10:44:21

Wow. This relationship sounds terrible. You should just end it and stop letting this horrible man into your life.

I know it's "not that easy" - it may not be easy but it is that simple.

OrangeCrush19 Thu 30-Nov-17 10:58:10

He’s abusive. Have my first ever LTB. Imagine living in a little house with your kids, just the three of you. No threats, no insults, just peace and quiet and time to rebuild your self-esteem. Good luck flowers

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 11:14:38

Thank you for your comments. It's not easy as we've been together since 15 and 17 and now 14 and half years down the line with two amazing children. He says I shouldn't have cheated and should have left him. But honestly, in my head I did leave, albeit not when we first started chatting but before any physical interaction happened I did end it with my OH. I think really that is what he can't get passed so he just says it;s because I cheated when really is pride is saying I left him for someone else. He can't see the reason why I had enough.

I don't look at it as abuse?? I know that he says horrible things because he's angry but wouldn't lay a hand on me as he's seen that from his own father.

I worry for my children if they don't have a dad in their lives every day and I do love him and want nothing more than a family and happy home. I forgot to mention that we got engaged in October but now he's just said that he asked me because he thought it would fix things and was expecting a better reaction the proposal. he asked me when he was quite tipsy, just got back from b'day meal and I was about to wash up baby bottles. I got to admit that I was expecting abit of more romance or even something funny, not just here's a ring will you marry me.

Noodles4Me Thu 30-Nov-17 11:15:15

Good God. Why would you stay in a relationship like this?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 30-Nov-17 11:19:19

OMG. Why are you with this man?

I've spent nights at home and for him to return from pub calling me slag and slut, he's only here cause of the kids, not to talk when out because all I do is talk shit! and bringing all the past up again. The reason I don't want sex every night and only once or twice a week is because I work full time, look after two toddlers, do all shopping, HW, cooking etc and have no help.

Your relationship sounds like a nightmare. Wouldn't you be better off on your own? Your kids should not have to witness this growing up. He can still be in their lives. DO NOT MARRY HIM!

He's suggested counselling and moving out for bit.

Definitely the last bit! Preferably permanently.

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 11:23:41

Thank you all for your honesty. I was actually expecting some blame on my part. I mean I did 'go off' with another man.. Shouldn't I give some sort of sympathy for that? Is it the norm in homes where by the woman does take care of everything... but if so, how do they then even have the energy to want to have sex.

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 11:27:08

He’s a massive hypocrite who treats you like shit

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 11:28:51

Sex once or twice a week is on the high side of normal with all you’ve got going on, I would say. There’s nothing less sexy than being the skivvy while he calls you a slag. It’s not really a known seduction technique is it?!

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 11:29:03

He's now just text me and said that the problem is that I was going to leave him the house and everything just so I could be with the other guy and that the guy ended it with me, when in fact I ended it with him!

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 11:32:49

He’s grabbing on to this because he thinks it proves that you’re as bad as him. He knows he’s treated you really badly and he’s trying to make himself feel and look better by making it out to be 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. It isn’t, though

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 11:45:11

Why can't I see how bad it is like outsiders do?? It is so hard trying to know what is the best course of action to take when it involves little people sad

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 11:46:18

Lol SlowlyShrinking I think he thinks it's a seduction technique. He thinks I should want it all the time!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Nov-17 11:50:00

Why on earth do you keep subjecting yourself to a relationship with this total fuckwit!????
You need to look at yourself and find out why you put up with this.
Please get some counselling and help to leave this vile excuse of a 'man'

SlowlyShrinking Thu 30-Nov-17 11:52:17

You can do better than this. He does sound REALLY REALLY awful. You’ve not even said ‘he’s a brilliant dad’ or similar (unless I missed it?)
It’s hard when you’ve been with someone for so long and since so young, but at least you know you can pull someone else! No point wasting time with him, find yourself someone nice. It’ll be better for the kids to either see You alone and coping and happy, or in a relationship with someone nice who doesn’t expect you to do everything.

Annelind Thu 30-Nov-17 12:00:23

HE is acting like a shit and treating YOU like shit. You can't see how bad it is because you've been with him a long time. Listen to everyone here.

MummyMummyMummyyyy Thu 30-Nov-17 12:00:32

He sounds like a class A dickhead. I'd take my kids and run for the hills. So what if you were with someone else when you weren't with him? Makes no difference to the fact he's an utter arse hole and your life will be immeasurably better without him in it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 30-Nov-17 12:06:03

Why can't I see how bad it is like outsiders do??

Because it's like death by a thousand cuts. They slowly chip and chip away at you every day until it becomes 'normal'.

It is not normal and you do not have to live like this. You and your DC will be much happier without him. Contact Women's Aid for some professional advice.

SeraphinaDombegh Thu 30-Nov-17 12:09:55

Oh my word, OP. I think you need to try to take a step back from all the detail and look at the bigger picture of your relationship. Do you make each other happy? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you both look out for each other and think of yourselves as a team? Can you see yourself staying happily with him once the kids have grown up and left home? (That last one is particularly important!).

It sounds to me like your relationship is destructive and negative. He sounds abusive, controlling and like he is gaslighting you. Please, please leave. Your children will be better off not living with this man - do you really want them growing up thinking that the way he treats you is normal and that they should expect the same treatment from their future partners? Because that is what will happen if you stay...

caffelatte100 Thu 30-Nov-17 12:10:31

Just read the comments! This is not a nice man and you do not a normal relationship. It's very abusive and completely destructive. Just horrible. He sounds awful, no redeeming features at all!

Poor you. Get out now. You are not to blame. Life will be 10 times easier on your own with this excuse for a man, what an arsehole, he takes no responsibility. Get out now, please see this straight.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 30-Nov-17 12:13:11

Oh my god, you are me 8 years ago!

Right down to the “been together since we were teens” and “split up for a while”. When we had that break (I left him for 8 months) I had a brief relationship with someone else before breaking it off. When we got back together (a terrible mistake) it was thrown at me for years as “cheating on him”. Even though we had split up and I had no intention of getting back together with him when it happened.

Mumsnet told me to leave. I said he wasn’t that bad and could change.

13 unlucky years together and I finally left, with 3 dcs.

Was it hard at times? Sometimes. But I’m now remarried to an amazing man. I finally get what being a partnership means. I thought that that relationship was awful. I thought relationships were supposed to be “hard work”.

They’re not. They’re supposed to make you happy. My dcs are much happier now too. I wasted so much time trying to make it work. He didn’t. He was a nasty, insecure little man. I was too good for him. You are too good for him.

Leave. It won’t be easy but it will be better. It really will.

I wish I could go back to the younger me and tell me all this. I’m probably 10ish years older than you. Life is not supposed to be that hard. Relationships are supposed to support you, not drain you.

I would never have treated my ex the way he treated me. Would you treated yours the way he treats you? I doubt it. Why? Because we are nice. We deserve nice in our partners too.

You deserve to be treated well.

MissKME Thu 30-Nov-17 12:31:04

Thank you all so much for the comments and support. I really do need it. Honestly, 10 years ago I was a different person. My mum can't believe how much I've changed. I used to be feisty and fiery and stand for no bull, but now I'm weak sad

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse WOW! how scary is that.. I really needed to hear that someone has gone forward with children and met someone else, as he has said I'd struggle find anyone with children in tow and I'd end up with someone worse sad I have now ENDED it with him after a huge slanging match over text - how mature! I've told him a few home truths about the hooker sites etc and that our relationship isn't healthy and is beyond repair and it's best that we put the kids first from now on.

Can't believe this is just before Xmas. We had so many lovely things planned and booked sad

What do I do about finances?? I have a mortgage, 2x nursery fees and work 32 hr week sad I know he'll provide some support but got to be able to pay for a house for himself too.. would I get any help??

KarmaStar Thu 30-Nov-17 12:40:17

You need to get away from this man.
He is abusive,lazy,controlling and a gambling addict.
You and your children deserve much more than this.
Walk away now before he steals the last shred of self worth ,gets you into more debt and you can't get a rental or mortgage because of the debts and before your children (if not too late)are unhappy and upset with the conflict at home.
You do not need this person in your life.
You are a strong,intelligent,capable and hard working woman ,believe in yourself and make a fresh start.
Wishing you a happy future 🌻🌻🌻💜

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 30-Nov-17 12:41:13

Well done OP, just stay strong and carry it through in person.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor ASAP as they will be able to advise on finances. Grab all paperwork/birth certificates/passports for you and DC too. If you have a join bank account, make sure you move half to your own account ASAP too.

This is your first step towards freedom!!! flowers

timeforachange77 Thu 30-Nov-17 12:50:10

He is a bully. Do not marry him. Leave him with his £25k debt and concentrate on making you and your children happy without him dragging you down.

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