Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am i being controlling?(48 Posts)
Hi,just after some opinions on current situation. I've been with Dh for 7 years, generally good relationship. However he recently decided to make some space cakes with friend in our kitchen while I was at work. They were in our freezer, I asked him to throw them out and he wouldn't so I have thrown them away in the bin.
Now I feel like I'm being controlling, he argues that using cannabis is just like drinking alcohol, although he knows I am against it and I feel like I don't know what to do?
Am I being controlling? He was saying I'm acting like his parent rather than partner and now I feel really confused and just wish he would respect my feelings on this. I do love him but this feels like a major problem to me.
We are mid 30's,have not got children and he has smoked at a festival years ago but other than that this is the first time he has done anything like this for years.
Hmmm. It’s his freezer too so I wouldn’t have done it tbh. He wasn’t smoking a joint in your bed so as much as you might object to people using weed he wasn’t hurting you in any way.
I wouldn't say it's controlling as such but if my husband had it in the freezer I'd just leave it and let him get on with it. Why did you ask him to throw it away? How did you think it being there affected you particularly? (Genuine question!)
its your place as much as his but its his life. I think he needs to respect you and your home and not do it at home, if he still wants to do it then its elsewhere. You don't have to stop him and he has to respect you - he was ignoring you by keeping them and not getting rid - albeit giving them away or storing elsewhere.
I probably would have handed them to him and said I don't want anything to do with this - get rid of them - give away store elsewhere just not here.
Thanks for the replies, I feel like he does not respect my feelings on this, I do not want illegal drugs in my house and I did not choose to marry someone who would disregard my feelings about this kind of thing.
I think it is slightly ott. What were you worried about?
I think if it goes against your values then you are likely to feel strongly about it.
I wouldn't like it in my house and its a shared space so needs agreement.
You are not controlling if this is your only action.
Can't believe the responses on here.
I think it is outrageously disrespectful of him to put illegal drugs in your freezer without your agreement. Would I want drugs in my house? Absolutely not, how dare he?
Well OPs DH is right that cannabis is no more dangerous than drinking alcohol. I’m slightly bemused by the pearl clutching about “illegal drugs” when a man in his thirties makes a hash cake.
You say he smoked at a festival years ago so you either married him after that knowing about it, or it wasn’t a deal breaker when it happened after you married him.
Alcohol can be more of an issue than frozen hash cakes imo
I’m with you OP, I’d have chucked them too. If my DH started dabbling I’d show him the door, I have a 0 tolerance policy.
Do you really need to ask if this is controlling and acting like a parent, rather than a partner - when you override his choice and his decision that pertains to his body?
You are in your right not to like it. And discuss it with him. And try to convince him. And even leave him if this is that important - and, say, he had a drug habit.
However, on this one-off - you went totally over him, steamrolling way, and just did what a parent of a teenager would do.
I have a friend. Her husband thinks Coke (as in coca-cola) is bad for health. She likes Coke. He insists she doesn’t drink it. Pours it away if he finds it in the house.
I sometimes sneak her an odd can.
Is that a trick question - whether this is a controlling behaviour???
Some people are happy with drugs. I'm with you OP and it would be an absolute no for me.
I see someone has already used the alcohol is worse argument - it happens everytime someone tries to discuss cannabis! It's irrelevant what alcohol can do, we are talking about cannabis fgs
Yes , you are being controlling. This was a one off, he's not hammering down the weed on a daily basis.
I have used marijuana regularly for a chronic illness. It is far less harmful than alcohol. Doctors prescribe it where I live. I don't get the pearl -clutching either.
If you don't like it in your house, discuss it , your behaviour was exactly like a parent. Your DH is correct.How on earth do a few space cakes in your freezer adversely affect your life?
Perhaps the friend could've kept them. You only gave him the option to throw them out.
Maybe meet in the middle here, and if he wishes to eat them, he does so with said friend away from you?
If you feel one way, and he feels the other - compromise is probably the best bet.
Mumsnet is a bit odd about cannabis. You'll get shot down for doing anything illegal but not cannabis, that's apparently acceptable illegal activity.
Cannabis may well be ‘less harmful than alcohol ‘ but the modern strains of marijuana are grown in such a way that can increase their hallucinogenic properties.
When cooked / baked , cannabis is always much stronger and often leads to a very altered mindset, including hallucinations and severe anxiety and panic attacks.
Combine that with the more trippy weed that people smoke these days and his harmless hashcakes could be super potent and even dangerous in the wrong hands (eg their children.)
So although op may have been wrong to dispose of his cakes , she is well within her rights not to want them in the family kitchen.
I, too have chronic pain and as an old school toker I was a bit of a connoisseur at one time, priding myself on my extensive knowledge and experience, I have tried various strains and found many too strong and have been blown away by the effects of some.
‘Just a bit of weed/dope’ etc is not what it used to be, it’s hard to get hold of the low key stuff we smoked as kids.
I would unbin the cakes and let him sort out alternative storage, ideally at his mate’s house.
I'd say it all has to do with the legality of the 'substance'. Where I live weed is legal, therefore to throw out someone's edibles would be controlling. Just as throwing out someone's alcohol out would be controlling. It's not down to you to decide what another adult can or cannot do, regardless of your personal feelings about their 'substance of choice'. The caveat to this would be if the person had a substance abuse problem or acted like an asshole when stoned/drunk.
But weed is illegal in the UK. In that case I don't think it's particularly controlling to throw out an illegal substance. Frankly the cops aren't going to care whose weed it is. If it's in your house, you could theoretically be held liable for possession. Probably not much of a chance the cops are going to show up at your door over a few hash cakes, but even a tiny chance of that would be too much for me.
It's illegal. You are in the right.
How are you feeling this morning?
I'd say that throwing out an illegal substance is a reasonable thing to do and I'll surprised by those who think otherwise.
Also I suspect many of those posting here would throw out their partners (legal) porn collection of they found it.
Josuk It may be his body but it's also her house ; shared with him, but still hers and she has every right not to want something illegal in her house. Doesn't matter than some people think it is less harmful than alcohol - it's illegal. End of.
It's only because it's cannabis that some people don't have a problem. If it was coke or heroin being brought into the home, there'd be far fewer people thinking this was OK.
Thanks for the replies, am a bit surprised at the pearl clutching comments and how many people think this is OK. I do not want to control my husband but I am still confused about the whole thing.
I am against cannabis as it is illegal, I do not want it in my home and I do not think I can respect my husband as much if he uses it. I am worried as he has had previous problems with depression although he is fine now for a couple of years, but why mess with drugs?
I might sound judgemental but I do not want to be associated with illegal drugs and the people who are involved in dealing, supplying and using cannabis.
I'd have thrown them away if I had kids that were at risk of eating them. You knew what they were there was no risk of you eating them by accident. I'd maybe have said you have a week to either send them to your friends or bin them.
If he was an occasional user why are you surprised that he still wants to occasionally use? Has he ever made a promise not to use it anymore?
You are right though if he has had mh issues in the past messing with weed is not going to help that ever.
Just make your feeling perfectly clear and draw a line in it. If he isn't happy with that then unfortunately you need to decide whether you can stay in a relationship were one of you is a casual drug user.
Yep, and cannabis that's ingested takes aaaaaaages to wear off. It's not like a smoke and he's back to normal an hour later. He'd be so irritating to put up with. I realise this is not the point. Just saying...
I used to be totally pro (most) drugs, but after learning more about the horrors that go on in the background from growing it, smuggling it, selling it, etc, I have to say I don't to give those people money, so I'd abstain until it's legal and these things are monitored. Another aside.
The basic fact is that, whether you agree with it or not, having cannabis in your freezer is illegal. If the OP doesn't want to break the law surely that overrides his decision to do so? If he was well aware of her views and did it anyway it's just rude. I wouldn't have chucked them but I would have made him remove them same day.
OP - you are still missing the point.
You think that because of your moral convictions you can make a unilateral choice to override your H.
And thus you palace you over him in importance. And there is no other definition for this other than - controlling.
And he is right to not like it. And wonder when else you’ll chose to override his decisions. That’s what I’d be wondering in his case.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.