Some of you may remember my story, I’ve posted a few times.
Basically - my stepdad met my mum when I was 4 and they married when I was 6. I have a couple of memories of sexual abuse as a child, but it got really bad when I turned 16. My stepdad sexually harassed me for 3 years. He’d pinch my bum, he offered me money for sex, he used to stand in his bedroom doorway naked and masturbating, he used to talk to me ‘sexually’ through the walls and would leave the porn channels on my TV so when I came home and switched it on there’d be porn showing. I lived in fear for 3 years of being assaulted and raped, I can’t begin to tell you what that felt like. I was too scared to tell anyone.
When I was 19 and on the cusp of moving out, Mum found out what he was doing. She saw him grab my bum when he was in the kitchen and saw me look upset. She confronted him, initially thinking it was an affair but he confessed the truth. Although he said he’d only been doing it for 6 months, not 3 years. Now I don’t recall the exact conversation between me and my Mum, but I did tell her the basics. She confessed he’d had dozens of affairs, some with teenage girls (16+). She said she was gonna leave him and move out etc. She never did. They’re still together. I’m in my 30s now.
Between 19 and now there’s been a few developments - she has basically swept it all under the carpet and tried to force a relationship between me and him. She forced me to let him give me away at my wedding (I know you’re probably thinking who would let her abuser give her away but honestly Mum is very manipulative). They moved abroad when I was 20, and I visited initially and basically just ignored him as best I could. We all seemed to pretend it never happened.
Then I had DD. I got brave and told my mum that he would not ever be visiting us and vice Versa. She was upset, manipulative in fact as she had a ‘heart episode’ that night and ended up in hospital. Last year she did briefly leave him and came back to the U.K., stayed for about 3 months. Her reasons for leaving seemed to be based on being under appreciated rather than his sexual behaviour. In that time I told her everything, including about the childhood abuse. She seemed to believe me. After a few months, saddled with depression and anxiety, Mum returned to her home abroad but said she was selling up and leaving her husband as soon as she could. She also said she’d ask him why he did what he did to me: That was 18 months ago. I’ve never heard a peep about her leaving, or any conversations about my abuse between them, since then. We are right back to not talking about it. If I try and broach the subject, she cries or starts having a panic attack.
This sweeping under the carpet suits her but it’s killing me. Yesterday she sent a message to me meant for a friend about her ‘wonderful’ husband. She knows this man abused me and either 1. Doesn’t believe me or 2. Doesn’t care or think it’s a big deal.
She’s coming for a week tomorrow. If I say nothing it will be yet another week of not talking about it. But I want answers. Why did she go back to him, why does she stay, why hasn’t she had it out with him? I need to be brave and just face it head on. It’s grinding me down. I’m in the bedroom while DH is downstairs and I’m in tears thinking about it. I have so much anger and hate inside me towards them both, it’s a really ugly part of me. I talk to DH so much about it that, although he doesn’t show it, I think he’s getting fed up of hearing it. He has told me that I either need to confront her or deal with it ina different way, because if I never do she’ll spend the rest of her life ignoring it. I know he’s right but I need to draw a hell of a lot of strength to do this. I worry about ruining her visit, I worry about her crying and making herself ill (although I am very dubious about these ‘episodes’ she has, it seems to me a convenient way of avoiding conflict).
Sorry I don’t know what I expect posters to do, I just wanted to vent in a place that has been so good to me before.
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I need to draw some strength before I have a breakdown. My mother won’t talk to me about my sexual abuse.
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/11/2017 20:22
Honestly? I think the only thing you can do is cut her off. She's just hurting you over and over. She's prioritised her relationship with this scum over you and she continues to do so.
She isn't going to change her behaviour. The only thing you can change is your reaction to it.
And I'm really, really sorry that they've both abused you like this. You didn't deserve it, it wasn't your fault and you don't deserve the legacy it's left you with 
You’ve been through so much, I’m so sorry.
Have you considered counselling? It might help you form those words and have the strength to confront your mum.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to have her stay with you tomorrow though. She doesn’t deserve you and you don’t sound, understandably, strong enough to face her right now.
Also, have you thought about involving the police? Your mum’s ignorance is quite disturbing and I doubt you’re alone in being abused by him.
Cut her off and focus on your DD.
If you don’t want to report him to the police, then at least seek therapy. Your mum is a hideous creature and if you were my daughter I would be wearing his balls for earrings. I’m so sorry you went through this, you are the victim here, not them
Thank you everyone for your kind words 
I really wish I could explain why I never cut her off. When she found out about he abuse I was 19 and more vulnerable than I realised. I was just relieved that it was gonna be over, and - as mad as this sounds - relived that she wasn't mad at me. She made a meal about leaving him so I wasn't mad at her, just sad for her, but when it never happened we sort of settled back to the way things were and that became our new normal. I was extremely passive when I was young and it never actually occurred to me to confront her.
That sounds strange, and reading it back it makes little sense, but it's the only way I can explain how everything got ignored.
AnyFucker I've read the first4 chapters and it's already helping, I find myself nodding a lot!
I'd love to go to the police and when she lived back here briefly I told her I'm doing it. When she went back to France she asked me not to. Again going to the police never occurred to me, until now really, and I do think I have the strength to do it. It's partly why I started writing down my memories.
I haven't every had therapy, I'm very much a compartmentaliser but that's getting increasingly difficult.
If it happened to my DD I think I'd want blood, in fact her being born gave me a massive kick up the arse to confront my mum because o know for a fact I could never do to my daughter what my mum has done to me.
DH came into the bedroom and found me crying and gave me a big cuddle. He says he'll be there if I want to sit her down while she's here and thrash it out with her. I don't expect to get the answers I want but at least I can try.
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