Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

BBC article on Gaslighting

(37 Posts)
PyongyangKipperbang Wed 29-Nov-17 20:11:38

Very interesting, and disturbing sad

jbee1979 Wed 29-Nov-17 20:21:06

Thank you for sharing. A good read!

Enough101 Wed 29-Nov-17 21:38:42

Very disturbing. Even more so when you realise that the whole law around this is just lip service. You actually have to be able to prove it and that's why bastards like thus get away with it. Always a couple of steps ahead of the law.1

Doingitalone Wed 29-Nov-17 22:41:08

Thank you for sharing. Worryingly I recognise this behavior from a rent ex 😞

Doingitalone Wed 29-Nov-17 22:41:18

Recent not rent.

Mambot Wed 29-Nov-17 23:18:31

This article really upset me. Having been on the recieving end of similar behavior from two previous partners (both threatened to kill themself when I tried to end the relationship early on) constant lying at the end of the relationship that made me question myself and left me feeling really insecure and worried so the time, yet five months ago my ex left me after we had an argument in the car about him driving really dangerously with our son in the back. He literally screamed his head off and left us at the side of the road. He made me feel as if I drove him mad by daring to call him out on it but he could have killed us, and the way he then cut off all contact with me and his son for weeks made me think I am the abusive one. From then on, I've dealt with a constant slander campaign from him and lost friends over this. As soon as he speaks to them they never speak to me anymore.

My head is reeling and I don't know what is up or down. He does a fantastic job of making me out to be the kind of person described in that article but I know I wasn't. I really loved him and bent over backwards to make him happy, I know I did. I did get more insecure after he told me he had been lying about women at work and had cheated, but wouldn't anyone!?

I feel like I'm going mad. Recently I found out he's been contacting my ex partner and that made me feel really ill because, as I said, they were very similar. I got support from women's charity about this and they said it is harassment as the contact can only be about me and there is no reason to do so.

Was just starting to get stronger, had managed to get the courage to block his bossy and critical emails and tell him only text re. Seeing our son from now on. Was getting better then this article was a massive trigger in the bit about contacting the ex. It made it seem like it was an acceptable thing to do for him and I'm back to square one.

I feel like if he's doing that, he must really think I'm terrible. I am so confused, I blame myself for everything all the time whereas nothing is ever his fault. But this article is showing what he's done (ending the relationship out of nowhere, cutting me off, contacting my ex) as consistent with someone who had been abused.

I feel so lost. I remember leaving the living room and going to sit in the bedroom with our son to make sure he had time to himself.

Every time I see these kind of articles, the advice on what to do is so similar to what he did to me, I think it must have been me. It's put me in an awful state.

Gemini69 Wed 29-Nov-17 23:25:08

I read this article today too... I shared the same emotions expressed on here by some the ladies.. it was like being pulled back in time.. having the dreadful feeling of hopelessness and despair ...

it's a good informative read.... thank you for sharing on here flowers

Hauntedlobster Wed 29-Nov-17 23:27:54

Mambot you don’t sound like the man in the article love, you sound like the women. It’s not your fault flowers

Mambot Thu 30-Nov-17 08:12:27

Thank you hauntedlobster. Awful night after reading that. I still think it's weird to contact someone's ex. My ex gave me plenty of reasons to, he even lied about making a young Thai girl pregnant (that she just said she was for attention) and said everyone he had ever been with had cheated on him. Then the truth finally c came out that actually he had cheated on every single gf and that girl really was pregnant.

But I still wouldn't go trying to contact them though? I know that whoever he is with is currently getting a sob story about how awful I am because I remember what he used to say about his family and those girls.

It's just messing with my head because yeah, we did have some shouting matches at the end where I said unkind things, I did spend ages trying to talk to him about lying when we were both tired. I was worried about women at work after what he told me as well and started wanting him to check in by text.

He knew how terrified I was of my ex-ex, and I'm struck by how similar they both were but at the time I thought they couldn't be more different because we never argued and he didn't bait me by going on about why it was totally acceptable to find girls under 16 attractive because men were genetically predisposed to like young women.

I dunno, I feel to blame based on this article. There are virtually no resources on line for people who are made to feel life the abusive ones x

User24681012 Thu 30-Nov-17 08:23:25

@Mambot it's really common for emotional abusers to try to make you think you're the bad one. Have a google at FOG 'fear obligation guilt' and maybe narcissistic relationships.
Good luck x

Mambot Thu 30-Nov-17 09:17:12

Thank you user. I just had a read of a few articles now. I still just see me in it. Everything was ok until I caught him lying, then there would be arguments. If I left him alone and didn't broach the subject, there would never be an argument, even though there was clearly something wrong. I feel like I caused all the problems. I didn't really care what he was lying about, just the fact he did it so often and so easily.

I feel bitter that they're is no recourse for lying and cheating, but if you try to call them out on it, you're displaying all these fog/narcissistic traits.

I can't have another relationship again after what's happened. The ex ex used to tell me I would be a terrible mother and was a terrible wife and I really thought the relationship with my ex proved that wrong. But here I am in same situation again. They'll take it as proof that no one wants to be with me and they were right about me. I'm too afraid to have this happen again.

Mambot Thu 30-Nov-17 09:17:57

Sorry about the length of this and slightly derailing this thread. It's just really hit a nerve and upset me.

keepingonrunning Thu 30-Nov-17 12:54:18

The legal system lags behind recognising gaslighting and the other tools of psychological abuse. There is a huge lack of understanding of how damaging and frightening it can be, in addition to malicious reports to the authorities, employers, regarding custody of children and other character assassination ploys. It is also often the beginning of escalation in a pattern of abuse and makes partners too afraid to leave. It is too difficult to get an occupation order and a non-molestation order, all the time living in fear and worrying about reprisals for taking action.

While the police are better at spotting it since the new law on coercive control, most people are oblivious and you end up sounding unhinged yourself when you try to explain it. Thank goodness for articles like this which spread awareness. This website explains clearly too.

The really devious abusers make sure their behaviour does not register obviously with law enforcement agencies and they know they will usually get away with it.

User24681012 Fri 01-Dec-17 10:54:08

@Mambot I think (though I might be wrong!) that the general consensus is that you can't be a narcissist if you think you are, because true narcissists can't see their own flaws. However, it is common to pick up bad behaviour from other people, especially if it's normalised, for example, copying my mothers passive aggressive huffs or deliberately misunderstanding people to cause arguments. Whether you're worried that you are abusive or that you have picked up this kind of behaviour, either way, the best thing is to see a specialist who can talk to you about it and hopefully tell you what to do next

Hope that helps x

ginandlime Fri 01-Dec-17 11:53:07

I just threw up after reading this. I'm a year out of that relationship and I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe and totally sane again. I was with him for over twenty years. He's still lying about me to all and sundry, including our children. Who fortunately take no notice of him.

Wishingandwaiting Fri 01-Dec-17 11:56:35

Upsetting article.

However what he’s doing is not a crime. Why should the law getting involved?

He’s being nasty and manipulative.
Very unpleasant characteristics but not something that the law should be involved with.

ginandlime Fri 01-Dec-17 11:59:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishingandwaiting Fri 01-Dec-17 12:00:55

Oh heavens Gilead

Victim blaming. No words.

What is the crime? He is behaving like a nasty manipulative pig. But I genuinely can’t see the crime.

ginandlime Fri 01-Dec-17 12:02:54

The crime is coercive and controlling behaviour. You erode someone's personality to such an extent that they can't think for themselves and are totally controlled by your desires, not their own needs or wants. It's a whole ballgame more than being manipulative and is very much about achieving your own ends at all costs.

ginandlime Fri 01-Dec-17 12:03:20

and by minimising such behaviours, yes, you're victim blaming.

Orangesox Fri 01-Dec-17 12:05:05

You can't see the crime in emotionally abusing someone to the point that they're petrified to leave in case their children are taken away from them?

You can't see the crime in constant 24/7 harassment and psychological torture?

You can't see the crime in "isolating them from sources of support, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour." - quoted from the criminal definition of controlling behaviour?


Wishingandwaiting Fri 01-Dec-17 12:14:02

But impossible to police surely?

How would it work?

ginandlime Fri 01-Dec-17 12:17:52

Evidence. There's usually enough of it, particularly if it's been going on for years. It's not just a perception. You can tell if someone has been isolated, treated as a personal slave and emotionally abused. I have PTSD because of what's happened to me.

Orangesox Fri 01-Dec-17 12:21:11

Well, considering all NHS and Social Work etc staff are being trained to recognise the signs of domestic abuse, and ask questions about situations that aren't right... then it won't be too difficult. It's not particularly easy to fake being treated like this, to fake the fear that your children are going to be taken away from you because you've been conditioned to believe you're insane, to goad someone into screaming at you in a public place for being a disgrace because you happen to not have a 20p in your purse.

The lengths these people will go to in order to control their victims is extreme - a dear friends of mine moved 100s of miles away from her abuser, and he still tries to control her installing recording and GPS apps on her childs phone which he gave as a gift, by insisting on picking their child up from her new family home rather than meeting half way etc. This sort of behaviour is pretty clear cut to me, he doesn't behave the way he does because he cares for his child, he behaves the way he does because he wants to control their mother.

Meadowdaisies Fri 01-Dec-17 21:10:47

flowers Gin

I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

One of my good friends is going through this sad

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: