Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH doesn't understand sacrifices(60 Posts)
Me and my husband have had a lovely marriage of 3 years (together 5). We have a 5 month old little baby and obviously it has shaken things up! I'm very lucky to not have to work at the moment as we can afford rent from my DH salary. But before the baby was born i was extremely career driven, working abroad and long hours self employed .
I love my baby and im very aware i can no longer do a job with such crazy hours/travel (especially as our baby has needed to go to the hospital often and exclusive breastfed / trying to bottle expressed milk). I know eventually I csn go back to something resembling my job but it was such a big part of me that i know i must give up ... I also havent seem anyone friend wise in months because hospital baby means I cannot go too far from home (many friends are too far for baby to go) and my body (can't go to the gym because he won't be on his own with her see bellow )
My problem at the moment is that my husband just doesn't understand how much of me as a person I'm giving up for the baby. He works hard at work to provide for us but the minute I ask him to do something for the baby that means he gives up something he gets really pissed off. I am very understanding that he's tired and Greatful for how hard he works but he's the same.with even the tiniest things.
For example: he gets really huffy about holding her if I want a 3 minute shower in the evening after her screaming all day. Because he wants to relax and have a quiet evening
Bigger example: he refuses to spend time on his own with her because he want s to relax in his spare time. Hs fine when I'm. Around but I have to be there...
Any advice on how to approach him about this how I'm feeling without sounding like I'm. Constantly nagging or that I don't appreciate him? XxxX
from what you have said, it sounds like there's a much bigger problem, sorry!
he doesn't seem to be interested in the human being he created?!
You have two babies in the house. You need to talk to him about how you feel. You are still a person. I'd be looking to get back to some sort of work which may force him to see you as an equal.
He is very helpful with her and he does love her dearly but one of the problems is I HAVE to be around so he is comfortable.
He sounds scared, hopefully that will change over time.
Nope he is being a baby. He should look after her even if its just so you can go for a brief walk - and definitely so you can shower in peace.
Just maybe he is scared because she has been ill = but he can start with the shower - you won't be far away. Can his mother have a word with him?
She is your baby, plural. I would be handing her over and going for a shower, no asking.
Ask him if he thinks it's fair that his responsibility ends when his commute does so he can "relax" while you are expected to have sole baby-wrangling responsibility for every moment you are not asleep.
I would so not take a career break if you’re relying on him to pick up the slack.
He doesn’t seem to see you as equal partners but like he’s doing you big massive favours by parenting his own child.
I’d look into going right back to your career when your mat leave is over as your husband sounds utterly crap and like he’s using the ‘he’s got a job outside the home’ over you.
How do you deal with it? I don’t know if he won’t parent his own child make sure you’re not left with no income and utterly reliant on him.
Don’t we all want to ‘relax’ , I can’t see many signs here of him understanding that you too need a teeny bit of time to ‘relax’ as well , that’s a big issue and needs nailing down now
He sounds like an absolute twat to be honest with you. He won’t take the baby on his own for three minutes so you can have a shower?!?
Seriously. You need to put your foot down now. How about getting him to ask his male friends whether they ever look after their kids on their own for a few minutes? Would that be a wake up call?
The only solution is to leave him for more time on his own. Go out for short walks. Are you bf or ff? Easier still if ff-you can leave him for a good hour or two!
It’s scary having a baby, and I suspect he feels pretty useless and like she only needs you and not him. He needs to build his confidence up, and maybe even if he stands in the bathroom or you keep the door unlocked and reassure him he can cope.
It’s not he same for a woman as a man having a baby- it’s just not. It’s a huge adjustment all round yes, but a far far bigger siesmic shift in life for a mother... it’s like a loss of the old person really.
Trying to think of it from his pov - It sounds as if he lacks confidence in his ability to look after her. Do you think that might be the case? In which case I think a baptism of fire - just say Im off to the supermarket/hairdresser/whatever. I'll be back in 2 hours.
Then when you get back ask him how it was. Does he need to relax now? Why is that? Because looking after a baby is hard? How do you think I fond it? Yes it is hard for me too so I need equal relaxation in the evenings.
You really need to nail it now because otherwise you are storing up years of resentment and you doing all the slog.
Sorry but you are facilitating him - he is her father he needs to learn how to be on his own and the only thing you can do it let him, go to the gym and let him cope
She is his child, you are suppose to be a team
Any advice on how to approach him about this how I'm feeling without sounding like I'm. Constantly nagging or that I don't appreciate him?
What is there to appreciate apart from money? He’s not bothering with being a father or a partner...
You tell him in very strong words that he needs to grow up and take responsibility for being a father and having a wife; which means caring for his child and supporting his partner.
OP "He is very helpful with her"
well what's the point of that? You could invite me round and I'd be more helpful!
He's her father, he is supposed to be parenting, it sounds like he is doing nothing but coo over her when you're around.
When are you supposed to relax! It's often not relaxing looking after a small baby. You need a break too! See if there's anything if feels worried about and try and reassure him. Then say 'see you in an hour'. It's hard if you are ebf and they won't take bottle but you can have half an hour stroll, or swim or something. Tell him pretty much every other dad can cope - I'm sure he can too
I do think it's quite rare to find a man that understands what a sacrifice it is to give up a career - mine did to an extent.
He sounds useless.
I would strongly advise NOT accepting this below par parenting - if you do you will be making a rod for your own back for many years to come...
I understand that looking after a baby is hard for him as he has had less practice but the only way to remedy this is for him to do more baby care. It is ridiculous that he can't cope with your showering. He's a parent now. The commute to/from work and lunch is the only weekday relaxation that he can expect until she sleeps through. He needs to be left in charge for a couple of hours so he knows that going to the loo in peace is a luxury for you.
He needs to explain what he finds hard. Is it comforting her? Feeding her? Changing her? If he's practical he might like suggestions on something to do while you're showering. He could put on some music, lie down on the floor next to her and chat, bathe her... when I was a first time parent I felt awkward doing stuff that came naturally with my second and third child like singing, talking, letting him scrunch the plastic spaghetti packaging while I cooked... Doesn't he know the saying Happy Wife, Happy Life?
He sounds like an extremely selfish knobhead. I'm almost lost for words at how selfish his behaviour is. I challenge anyone (ANYONE) to argue that working in an office/down a mine/driving around is actually not a walk in the park compared to looking after two small children. What a tosser. Good luck OP.
I had success in asking my DH if he thought looking after the baby was easy. I said that if the answer is yes, then he won’t mind having her for 1/2 the time at the weekend. If it’s not easy then then that’s why I need a break of half the time at the weekend.
You need to end up agreeing that 50:50 split is where you’re aiming for when he’s around?
He sounds really self centred and having a baby has highlighted it.
I hope he changes but its not a good sign as he seems to lack compassion.
Look back prior to the baby can you see other situations where he was selfish? How does he handle it if you are unwell? Often pre children its easy to cover up selfishness as you were both independent people taking care of your own needs.
Definitely keep working and take care of your career.
Tell him you might need to sacrifice him.
He's a father, not a helper, nor a child.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.