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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Received Facebook message about bf cheating

98 replies

Zoomb · 29/11/2017 17:52

Hello
So I have received two messages over the last couple of days about my boyfriend. I don't know what to think or what to do so some impartial advice would be great.
First I received a message from someone accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me and that he was on a dating app. This account then immediately disappeared so it looks like it was deleted. I bought this up with my boyfriend as I have been worried that he was on a dating app in the past. He denied this and said that someone must have the wrong person/ be a hoax.

I then received another message a day later (from a different account) saying that this person had been discussing with my boyfriend that they were going to rekindle their relationship and he had said that we were no longer together and she wanted to confirm that was true. Again I bought this up with him and he said he thinks it may be a crazy ex and that it's rubbish. I replied to this message (which seems like it's from a real account) saying that we are still together and that I don't believe her.
She's replied saying that's fine, I don't have to believe her but she believes me. And sorry for any upset.

Now i don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about it. I think it's a a hoax because of the first deleted account and that it would be too coincidencental to get 2 messages together. But I appear to have my doubts as I can't get it out of my head.

OP posts:

Report

Mooncuplanding · 29/11/2017 17:55

Yes, too coincidental would be my thoughts too

Sometimes the truth is staring us in the face

SandyY2K · 29/11/2017 17:56

Mmm. Where there's smoke.....

Coconutspongexo · 29/11/2017 17:56

I had this many years ago (2009) my ex told me it was a lie people just winding me up etc etc then In 2015 when I was pregnant with his child I found out it had all been true, he continued cheating on me throughout the years too.

How old are you? The chances of someone messing about over something like this when they’re an adult is slim.

Do you trust him?

Teensandfuture · 29/11/2017 18:09

I incline to believe it's true that he's on dating sites.
Think going through his phone and internet history is justified at this point.

Mousewatch · 29/11/2017 18:12

Id ask the 2nd message person for proof of what she's saying?

MrsHathaway · 29/11/2017 18:17

"Crazy ex" is usually code for "I treat women badly". Not always, but often.

I think this sounds bad for your relationship, but good for you: chance to dodge a bullet. And what a brave and principled woman she must be not just to take his word for it.

Leo07 · 29/11/2017 18:18

Same happened to me. Girl messaged me out the blue. Turned out it was completely true. As for the first account that messaged you then disappeared, I have seen and heard of women 'planting the seed' and then blocking the women there contacting so they don't get involved. Do not overlook this. It's a sign slapping you in your face

Lostflipflop · 29/11/2017 18:19

I would be asking for proof, screenshots etc

Zoomb · 29/11/2017 18:21

I'm 26, he's 30. We've been together 4 years. I have had doubts about dating apps because he's very private with his phone. He always has been though (private with is phone). I definitely don't think he's been actually cheating on me though. There's nothing on internet history and his phone is always locked/ on him. Don't know whether I should message the second person back. I just don't understand why someone would send the first message and the instantly delete the account.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 29/11/2017 18:22

If she was psyching herself up to it?

PNGirl · 29/11/2017 18:23

Well, there are several options.

It's true and 2 different women have messaged you (one being someone you or he knows, the other being this woman who does not mention an app).

It's true and it's the same woman being more insistent the second time.

It's not true and the second message was her being pissed off you didn't kick him out for the first lie.

I think if it is someone who has it in for him both messages will be the same person... But you did say you worried about dating apps before.

MrsHathaway · 29/11/2017 18:24

Ok I need to send this.
Come on.
Ok.

...
OH MY GOD I'M SUCH A TWAT

...
Ugh, I'm such a coward.
Come on.

What's the worst that could happen?

Hassled · 29/11/2017 18:24

I'd message the second person back and ask for more details. The answer should give you some sense of whether this is bollocks or true. If you do nothing, it'll just eat away at you.

TangledSlinky · 29/11/2017 18:27

In my younger years I sent a similar message after discovering the guy I'd been seeing had lied about being single. I tried to give as much detail in terms of dates and times and apologised profusely for what had happened. I never logged back into the account as I didn't want to be dragged into the situation and had already cut ties with him.

annielouise · 29/11/2017 18:29

Why don't you ask what dates, times and places she spoke to him and then you can try and work out where he was that day. I don't think people just do this out of the blue for no reason.

OnionKnight · 29/11/2017 18:30

I'd be asking for proof, the fact that you've received two messages surely means that the same person is behind them.

Zoomb · 29/11/2017 18:32

Yes 2 messages from different accounts. The second does not relate to the first so it seems like if it is one person, they want me to think it's 2 people.

OP posts:

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/11/2017 18:38

I've once told the wife of a cheater that he was hitting on me and trying to sleep with two of his students.

He told her I was a lying stalker and she believed it hook, line, and sinker. I wonder if she ever figured out his true colors.

redexpat · 29/11/2017 18:48

Ask for screen shots.

Set up fake profile on the dating app and search for him.

hmmmmm · 29/11/2017 18:54

Thus has happened to someone I know. She's torturing herself. He does lie though.

Does your oh lie?

AngelsSins · 29/11/2017 19:05

It doesn't look good OP, especially as you already had suspicions about him being on a dating site.....

Pinkpillows · 29/11/2017 19:09

This says alot about your relationship

In a good solid respectful relationship you wouldn't have doubts after talking to your OH

These doubts are telling you something isn't right, trust yourself. Only look for answers if you can handle the truth because quiet frankly it doesn't look good for him

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Coconutspongexo · 29/11/2017 19:30

If it’s tinder she might not have proof unless they matched.

Zoomb · 29/11/2017 19:36

Okay so I've message the second person back she says she has no proof because she deleted it when I told her I didn't believe her.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 29/11/2017 19:42

Okay so I've message the second person back she says she has no proof because she deleted it when I told her I didn't believe her.

Oh come on, I'd be a bit now.

Has she cleared her deleted items folder? If it was screenshots they might be moved to a deleted folder rather than being deleted straightaway

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