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Dating Thread 125: Grab Dating By The Xmas Baubles.

(1000 Posts)
Smeaton Wed 29-Nov-17 17:01:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biddylee Wed 29-Nov-17 17:11:34

Love the jokes at the end of the old thread! have a gold star star

flowergirl5 Wed 29-Nov-17 17:25:03

I'm still on the smitten bench but still keeping up to date with you all xx

Lovemusic33 Wed 29-Nov-17 17:36:58

Marking my place.

Nothing to report here, date on sunday, maybe last this year.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Wed 29-Nov-17 17:42:17

Smeaton you always finish in style!

Sadik Wed 29-Nov-17 17:53:19

Just checking in. Thanks for new thread and jokes Smeaton

AntiGrinch your last post really resonated with me - I feel like I've been trying to do this across all of my life in the last couple of years.
I'm also trying to listen to and understand what my dating experiences are telling me about what I really need/want from relationships and life more generally.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Wed 29-Nov-17 17:57:00

Grinch it sounds like you’ve really done some serious ‘work’ on yourself and got to a good solid place for the next phase of your relationship life. I love that saying “what’s for you won’t go by you”. I told Mr TaiChi that saying last week and I told him I don’t want to go by him unless he asks. I might have scared him 😂

ItsNotSnot Wed 29-Nov-17 18:22:00

Been lurking on the old threads but thought I'd make an effort to contribute to this one, hi all grin

Been dating for about 4 months after 10 months of being deliberately single. Been ghosted. Had the 'Im looking for the relationship' man who decided (after sex) that he actually wanted a fuck buddy hmm and came across a psycho and a total mummys boy along the way.

Currently seeing someone that I will call MrTshirt. We are on date 9. He's actually nice and normal and good company and good in bed shock but I've got so cynical about dating that I'm just waiting for it to all go tits up...

RunsforCake14 Wed 29-Nov-17 20:03:51

I got a bit bored this evening so I thought I would have a go at setting up a new OLD profile.
I dug out a few photos, wrote a bit of blurb and sat back and waited to see what would happen.
So far Bob the Builder would like to chat. Who puts a cartoon character as their profile pic and expects to get a reply?

atomicnotsoblonde Wed 29-Nov-17 20:24:36

Trying to prepare for maybe joining you in the new year... need to fix my childcare problems first.. is there a good site for professionals? Work is a huge part of my life and I need someone who ‘gets it’ in terms of the pressures and juggling everything

Jonsnowsghost Wed 29-Nov-17 20:26:25

Hi, not got anything going on but just marking my place to see how everyone is getting on smile

UnicornInTraining Wed 29-Nov-17 21:31:58

Thanks for the new thread and love the jokes Smeaton!

Grinch I could have written your post six months ago when I had a dating breakthrough moment of "wait, this is not about finding someone, it is about knowing what kind of person that someone should be and being strong enough to not settle for less". Yes to what's for you won't go by you.

I also believe that I am single for a reason. I used to think I was just unlucky. It took me about two years of dating to realize that I was actually not dating material. I was the "convincer" who chases guys down and goes on dates thinking "please please please like me/validate me". Somehow I thought a relationship would magically improve my self esteem, cure my PTSD and make everything else under the sun better. Well, dating made everything worse. So I stopped for a while, had a long hard look in the mirror, and realized I had to fix myself first because no one worth dating would want a relationship with me. Sorting my shit out has taken me over six months and it is still a work in progress, but so far I have moved on from the past, learnt who I was, got my self esteem back and started to work on changing the things I do not like in my life. I definitely do not see dating in the same "miracle cure" way as I did before. Instead I know what I am worth and what I want. I make my own happiness. If I meet the right person to share that with then great, but he will be the cherry on the happy cake, not the base. And there will be no half arsed/rotten cherry on that hard-earned cake!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Wed 29-Nov-17 21:43:36

Fabulous post Unicorn

Biddylee Wed 29-Nov-17 21:47:25

That's lovely to read unicorn.

AntiGrinch Wed 29-Nov-17 22:17:47

great post Unicorn

Thanks for the encouraging words from everyone else too!

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 29-Nov-17 22:28:00

Brilliant post Unicorn. Just checking in on the new thread. I'm not really dating at the moment either though I need to decide what to do about Mr Vegetarian. I think I probably need to not see him again as feelings won't grow I don't think. And I'm too tired and bored by the whole shallow dating industry to bother much.

VictoriaandBump Wed 29-Nov-17 22:29:27

Antigrinch, and Unicorn - such lovely reassuring posts. What practical steps did you take to get to where you are now? Did things just click into place for you, or did you do anything in particular (meditation/counselling etc)? Sorry for being so nosy!

UnicornInTraining Thu 30-Nov-17 10:15:48

Thank you guys.
Victoria it kind of clicked yes when I accepted that my dating failures were not a case of "it's not you it's them" but rather "it is you. Not them". Which is ok - or, better, empowering - because there is nothing you can control better than your own behavior, including the reasons why you date and the people you choose to date. And it is also fine to accept not being dating material. It just means admitting having stuff to work on and learning to value personal growth.
In terms of practical steps, I find that yoga, therapy (CBT in particular), meditation, developing self-care habits, and self-help books/videos are all very helpful.

MargoLovebutter Thu 30-Nov-17 10:17:02

Help, help, help. I am trying online dating and I'm not sure if I'm doing it wrong, if my profile is wrong, if I'm being to shy about it - or what the hell is going on but it feels like it's not working for me.

About a month ago, I joined Tinder. In the space of two weeks I got about 10 matches, but only one conversation of any significance but that seemed to be going nowhere. So I binned Tinder & signed up on POF.

Masses of interest initially, but a lot of what I would call 'chancers' just randomly sending out hellos to see if they get a bite. The kind of guys whose profiles I like, are not getting in touch with me at all - so I'm wondering if my profile is wrong - or if I should be more proactive about getting in touch with them? Any conversation that I am having tends either to be going nowhere or guys who start out normal & then reveal their inner nutter!!!!

Help me!

UnicornInTraining Thu 30-Nov-17 10:30:11

Very good Amy Young video on why thinking about dating as the magic path to happiness just does not work:

UnicornInTraining Thu 30-Nov-17 11:07:00

Margo only you can figure out if there is something you are doing wrong and what it is, but just a couple of general tips:
- get back on tinder/try other apps too. Casting the net wider can only increase your chances to meet people
- yes to being proactive! Sending that first message puts you on people's radar and that might just be what they need to notice.
- make sure your profile gives a positive first impression and provides conversation starters (opinions are better than just facts). Fun, light-hearted, wholesome descriptions are more appealing than descriptions that scream "baggage" or "take me as I am!".
- add value to conversations. E.g : answering "how are you?" with "I am great - doing x/y/z later and I am totally excited because..." leads to better conversation than "good, you?"
- unless the "chancers" are an absolute no go, send a "hi!" back and let them take it from there. You might be pleasantly surprised if you give more people a chance.

Does that help?

MargoLovebutter Thu 30-Nov-17 11:21:49

Thank you Unicorn. I'm going to put up my profile blurb, for your dissection if that's ok:

Headline is "Better Together"
About me is: "Happy mum of two nearly grown up children. It would be lovely to find someone to share interests. I enjoying skiing, swimming, a good book, baking and I go to the gym regularly - although I'm not always sure I enjoy it! I'm fairly independent and am lucky enough to have a great job, which I love."

I've got two photos up - one is a selfie and one I'm at an event.

Is the blurb too Pollyanna sounding? I wondered if I sounded too perky.

RunsforCake14 Thu 30-Nov-17 11:44:23

Margo not sure about the "happy mum" opening line. This should be about you. I know for most of us our children are very important but for someone looking for a first date this could be a bit off putting to see right at the beginning.

MargoLovebutter Thu 30-Nov-17 12:04:47

Thanks Runsfor - I find it really hard to describe myself! I'll have another think about how I could introduce myself.

UnicornInTraining Thu 30-Nov-17 12:19:04

I would start by changing the headline. To be entirely honest and probably too blunt and harsh, "better together" can be read as "I am bored and will be looking to you to make my life better" which is probably very far from what you are as a person and the impression you want to give!

Try giving more opinions and show things rather than tell them - e.g.: what makes a good book? What kind of books do you read? What is the last one you read?. In the same way, what is your job (or field if too identifying), why do you love it?
It should help you move from "i have interests I want to share with someone", to "I am interesting and a great person to be around" IYSWIM? It is not the same to say "I love traveling/I am adventurous" and "I am the kind of person who can pack a suitcase in less than 5 min"

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