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Relationship advice

(34 Posts)
Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 15:44:29

Hi I'm new to this but could really do with some advice
I have been with my partner for 10 years since I was 18 he was 17 done everything together bought 2 houses good jobs nice holidays etc. It has got to the stage where I really wanted him to propose around 2 or 3 years ago but it didn't happen I just get on with it but it does get to me when people ask so many times you not married yet etc.
I have never really had the urge to have children I'm a only child and both of our parents are divorced so it's never really came up I've just been enjoying life and our relationship, but recently a friend of mine got married and some questions have came up in the relationship and my partner has basically said he hasn't proposed as he's worried I don't want childeren . Ok I understand that but now I feel pressure to make a decision or that if I decide I don't want kids then we are over . It's really upsetting as we both love each other but I wanted a proposal years ago now I feel like I'm not worth it to him and having kids is and that he doesn't love me enough to propose and hope I change my mind it's so confusing but I don't want to loose somoeone but am so scared of pregnancy?? Is it harsh that I wanted him to propose to show he loves me no matter or am I being harsh by being unsure if I want kids and making him except that ?

MissConductUS Wed 29-Nov-17 16:00:38

Why would you be over if you decide that you don't want kids? Wouldn't he be happy to carry on as an unmarried couple, or is that not acceptable to you at this point?

Smeaton Wed 29-Nov-17 16:07:45

How have you been together 10 years and not spoken about this.. ?
I'm seeing a woman, its been 4 months, and we've spoken about all these issues..
If you can't have an honest, open, truthful conversation about big issues.. Why ate you with someone..
Also... You've been wait in for him to propose... Why? Of marriage is so important to you why have you not asked him?

GladAllOver Wed 29-Nov-17 16:13:02

Why on earth are you waiting for him to propose?
If you want to get married, tell him so. It's not hard!
If he says no, at least you will know where you stand. You don't know at the moment.
Don't accept any excuses about having to save up for a wedding. That just means he doesn't want to. You can get married for £100

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Nov-17 16:13:19

OK - proposal is not the issue here.
The issue is what do you both want long term?
Do your goals and dreams match?
Do you both the same things in life?
i.e. the biggest one, children???
You are only 28 - if you don't know yet then that is fine.
But he will need to know sooner or later because if he wants them and you don't then he will have to end the relationship and find someone who does want them.
I don't think there is any rush but I can see his reasoning behind this.

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:15:23

We have spoke about things in the past but then other things crop up and life goes on etc but suddenly he seem to have hit a brick wall where he's ready for kids and I'm ready fo marriage and maybe kids in the future but still I'm unsure . Obviously he knows he wants kids but he will not marry until I'm certain and I feel that's the wrong reason for a Propsal surely you propose as you love that person no matter what but also I understand why he wouldn't want to marry if he's so set in having kids

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:15:56

We have spoke about things in the past but then other things crop up and life goes on etc but suddenly he seem to have hit a brick wall where he's ready for kids and I'm ready fo marriage and maybe kids in the future but still I'm unsure . Obviously he knows he wants kids but he will not marry until I'm certain and I feel that's the wrong reason for a Propsal surely you propose as you love that person no matter what but also I understand why he wouldn't want to marry if he's so set in having kids

TammySwansonTwo Wed 29-Nov-17 16:18:00

If he definitely wants kids and you aren't sure he's absolutely right not to marry you.

MissConductUS Wed 29-Nov-17 16:18:14

I think it's reasonable to want both parties to be in agreement on the having kids issue before marrying. It's not something you can compromise on and it's a major life decision.

MiniTheMinx Wed 29-Nov-17 16:20:11

I think he's being quite rational. If he wants children he's probably been biding his time hoping eventually you will too. Why would he commit to marriage if that means foregoing having children. If you don't want them then it would be fairer to say so now and go your separate ways.

RandomMess Wed 29-Nov-17 16:20:51

I think it's really important you both share the same future vision when you marry. Perhaps it's time to have the discussion that if he wants DC would he take on the parenting role, do you share the household tasks and mental load equally?

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:21:04

I agree but then I wonder this may sound silly would I feel different about the kids things if he had of proposed years ago and I felt that he was 100 % committed?

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:22:10

I work full time he has his own business so it would be me doing mostly everything I'm just scared of the strain it could have on us etc

PNGirl Wed 29-Nov-17 16:22:44

You can't expect him to marry you regardless of what he wants if he is already telling you children are a non-negotiable. What would be the point? You would have to get divorced!

PNGirl Wed 29-Nov-17 16:23:39

He isn't saying I will only marry you if you agree to children - he is saying he doesn't want to marry you if you don't want them. Those are different things.

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:23:47

Also I understand if my head was clear and I said defiantly no I don't want them then I would not expect him to stay but because I'm really unsure and scared about things it's hard to decide if you never really get that maternal instinct

Babyblues052 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:24:37

I think he's right not to commit to marriage as he is unsure if you are both on the same page when it come to children. I wouldn't want to get married unless I was 100% sure my partner wanted the same things out of life as me.

QueenAravisOfArchenland Wed 29-Nov-17 16:26:18

It would be crazy to get engaged or married before the two of you are sure you are on the same page about kids. So he's right to focus on that.

Nobody loves anybody "no matter what" and it's foolish to get engaged unless your life goals are compatible. Marriage is about making a life together not about grand romantic gestures. If you're really not sure about kids yet then the two of you will need to play this out as bf/gf a while longer until you can resolve it.

Babyblues052 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:27:16

It's a touch situation and you must feel a bit under pressure, but I agree with PNGirl from what you've said it doesn't seem he is saying kids are make or break.

Ruby88 Wed 29-Nov-17 16:31:12

Ok thanks a lot of what everyone is saying makes sense it just seems so hard to make a decision. I look at life and think yes I would love memories etc with children and family times but just very scared about the whole thing maybe that's my biggest issue

TammySwansonTwo Wed 29-Nov-17 16:35:05

AT your age I wasn't ready for kids either and my DH and I were both of the mind that we might have them or we might not (I had some gynae issues that meant it was unlikely to happen without assistance). Finally had twins at 35, don't feel like we are missing out on anything now. It's normal to be scared, it's a massive life change, but you have to do it because you want them, not because he does. It's wonderful but also extremely difficult and I wouldn't cope if it wasn't what I actually wanted.

CoyoteCafe Wed 29-Nov-17 16:37:06

When you say he has his own business and you fear the strain that having kids would put on you, do you mean that while he wants to have children, it is clear that you would do most of the care taking of the children while he was working at his business?

That's a fair thing to work out before marriage. If part of what he wants is you to be the one to put everything aside and raise babies and run the home while he works, then you are quite right to be concerned. But a honest conversation will help, not naïve nonsense about love and marriage.

Josuk Wed 29-Nov-17 16:40:58

Ruby - if the situation were reversed and you wanted kids and he wasn’t sure and wanted you to wait for him to (maybe) change his mind -
And you posted this there - most of the advice on here would be - run, and find someone who wants kids.

You have an idealised view of marriage and proposals. It is not NO MATTER what and hope it works out. Alignment of life goals and rough direction is needed before marriage. One can’t hope that the alignment would happen after.

So - absolutely - you shouldn’t be pressured to want to have children. And if kids are important to him - he needs to realise that he shouldn’t pressure you. And that, being a male, he does have a little bit more time where he can wait to stick around. But then, he has to make his own life goals a priority and make a choice.

Equilally - you can’t pressurise him into a proposal. It almost feels like you are testing him and needing him to prove his unconditional love to you by proposing.
You can’t force your romantic idea of marriage (and life conquering all) on him.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 29-Nov-17 17:19:32

Don't agree to DC without marriage if he expects you to do the main childrearing.

It's fine not to want kids, and it's fine not to want to marry, just as it's fine if you do want marriage and children. What can be not fine is men who want (or are at least happy to have) children, and for the mother of those children to either give up work or reduce her hours considerably, while not marrying her. A man who resists marrying a woman is quite often motivated by making sure he doesn't have to give her any more money than he sees fit, especially if he decides to walk away.

RandomMess Wed 29-Nov-17 17:32:10

Hmmm does he really want DC or just the fantasy of having DC and a family? Its a bit of a cheek if he's expecting you to do the bulk of the work... discussions around why you are expected to give up your job to be had!

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