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Best friend's boyfriend - control?

(39 Posts)
caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 04:09:56

So, my best friend has been with bf since September.

He has always been a bit odd ? maybe but just these last few days she went to his home (4hours away) for a few days, she's come back over (we are housemates also) and it's got weird.

We went out on a night out, and he wanted her to 'check in' evry 1-1.5 hours, this alarmed me, she said things like 'he's lovely' 'he's a gentleman' 'he's just worried about me' bearing in mind this is the place we live, she was with three good friends who all care about a lot.

At one point, friend asked me to check in with the bf, by sending a message from her phone, I agreed because she asked me to do it, put her mind at ease etc etc. She was sat next to me as I typed, but didn't feel able to herself - a night out after all.

I sent a quick, nice message - this is J, X asked me to msg you to let u know she's fine etc etc.

He replied with a really long, hostile message like give her her phone back she needs to ring me.

I told friend, she said ' he just gets funny like that'

Other friend said something like don't worry about him you've let him know, just enjoy yrself.

Friend v emotional and sad (way more than usual).

We got the bus, on the way back we had general chat i.e. chips when we get home, and friend kept saying I need to ring X, he'll be so mad.

Her phone died, other friend sent msg along same lines, he replied with weird message again. Friend whose bf it is rang him, lots of apologising, which I was uncomfortable with.

He also has temper issues, hates me, dislikes other friends, told her not to get the implant because HE doesn't want her to have it.

HE also keeps talking about what he'd do if she were to get pregnant. They are 18&19 and she is firm she doesn't want a baby for a good few years.

She's also being saying like of ' I know you hate him'. I don't I want her to be happy, before they were in a relationship me and him had a political disagr because he was being v racist, which I do not like at all.

What should I do? I love my best friend to pieces, but she is vulnerable ( I think) and keeps saying how stupid she is, how clever he is. I just want her to be happy.

We all go to the same uni, he lives nearby and tbh has no friends over here except her.

Thankyou all XX

X said she wants to go home, so we did

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 04:11:48

bit at end out of place, sorry x

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 04:13:48

also, other friends all concerned too, not just me

Rhynswynd Wed 29-Nov-17 05:19:36

I would be very concerned too. I don't know what I would do in your position but you do seem to have the measure of this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Nov-17 06:34:35

You are right to be concerned re your friend; she is with a controlling man and such coercive control like he is showing her is abusive behaviour. She is unfortunately in his thrall and is being brainwashed by him to think that he is The Big Man and she is useless. Her words are really his. Reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft would be helpful.

I would keep in contact with her both direct and indirect and try to talk to her very gently about what she wants out of life because she won't get that with him. However, the scales may not fall from her eyes and she may well think that her love for him can somehow make him change and be the nice person he previously was; the "nice" man who came along (but really in truth targeted her). That won't happen because his "nice" persona is an act and one that cannot be maintained. The cycle of abuse is a continuous one and she is well caught up in this with him.

Do you know her family at all?.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes Wed 29-Nov-17 06:49:52

Apart from the control on her social life, and cutting you all out, he's also undermining her self confidence.

The idea being that when she has no self worth she will never leave him because no one would have her, and he's doing he a favour by being with her.

Pregnancy would be one way to trap her. Please, please encourage her to have the implant and protect herself. I wouldn't put it past a boy like this to interfere with birth control.

You are all wise beyond your years. Keep protecting her, uplifting her and support her independence.

What about her family members? Does she have a close relationship? I only say this because my niece became involved at the same age with a guy like this. Her parents and friends couldn't approach her about it, but by god her auntie could, and did!!

You sound like a great bunch of friends. I hope she can lift the veil before it's too late. He sounds frightening. At such a young age, positively frightening.

CandleLit Wed 29-Nov-17 07:18:18

There's a good article on gaslighting on the bbc news page today that might fit this behaviour. If so, maybe ping her a link to it?

PsychedelicSheep Wed 29-Nov-17 07:59:21

I was a bit confused that you said she went to his home 4 hours away and then said he lives nearby? If you’re all at uni I guess you meant his hometown though? Shame, would be a lot better for your friend if he was 4 hours away!

You are right to be concerned, he sounds very controlling and your friend sounds anxious and unhappy. Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do except listen and support her. The more you slag him off the more she’ll defend him.

It’s better in these situations to ask what she thinks rather than give your opinion. So if she tells you about something ridiculous that he’s said (like about the implant or the racist comments for example) ask ‘what do think about him saying that? How did him saying that make you feel?’ Try and draw her out rather than telling her.

You must be very worried for her, if she gets pregnant and drops out of uni to live with him that would be a massive mistake. Do her parents know what’s going on?

Bananalanacake Wed 29-Nov-17 08:09:08

Since September is only 2 months so this is very quick. She's lucky to have friends like you.

LaContessaDiPlump Wed 29-Nov-17 08:15:05

Please tell her to get the contraceptive injection, op; no way for him to know if she's had that. Hopefully that will reduce the risk of accidents until she realises how unpleasant he is and dumps him.

TheNaze73 Wed 29-Nov-17 10:33:48

You need to support her.

Whether it be 2 months, years or decades, no one should except this as the norm

Greedynan Wed 29-Nov-17 10:54:58

Wow. Massively controlling. Perhaps show her the woman's aid website info re coercive and controlling behaviour.

Disquieted1 Wed 29-Nov-17 11:22:42

It's obvious what she needs to do. You can see it.

Now this is very important: if your friend does not do it, and sometimes these dramas can go on for a long time, then don't let her problems become your problems. You're already getting dragged in.

You're young and at university, you should be having the time of your life. You will never get this time again. Don't ruin this opportunity over your friend's problems. They are hers, not yours.

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 12:31:33

yes his hometown, which is on the other side of Scotland. We all live here for uni. Should've made that clearer, sorry.

He offered to drive all the way over (4hr) to 'taxi' us (it'd just be her tbh) around. We said no v firmly.

Don't know much about her family as she is from N Ireland, we live in Scotland, but she is very close with her mum.

Whilst she is clear (to us) she wants the implant or similar, from what she's starting saying I don't think she'd take the morning after pill if it was ever needed.

Over xmas he is going over for a few days to meet them.

Thankyou all xxx

other friend is also going to get implant, so they will go together (hopefully)

LaContessaDiPlump Wed 29-Nov-17 12:54:13

I repeat: get the injection because a) he won't know and b) she can't be persuaded to remove it afterwards!

Iooselipssinkships Wed 29-Nov-17 13:22:46

My experience is very rare (it might not be but I've struggled to find anyone who has been through the same) and I appreciate this may not happen but my abusive ex who begged me for a baby within weeks of meeting tried to remove my coil himself against my wishes.
That's why I'd also suggest she has the injection rather than the implant. Also as hard as it is she's not gonna leave him until she sees his behaviour what it is and that can take some time. You sound like a really good friend to have OP and I'd suggest just be there for her when it inevitably gets worse. flowers

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 14:02:55

thanks, misread for a second - contraceptive injection - I will suggest x

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 14:07:06

however she seems apt on running everything past him, so he would know sadly x

Hissy Wed 29-Nov-17 14:12:04

Oh yes this is control alright and it will only get worse. At this stage he will most definitely hit her, perhaps worse. If he's like this now, he could very easily kill her.

THAT IS HOW SERIOUS THIS IS

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 14:27:28

I know it's v serious, but what can I do?
The only thing I can think of but can't do just now, would be to go to her mum/family with it? but at the same time idk
if I had any proven evidence i'd be down the police station asap, but I don't think atm I have a legal leg to stand on.

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 15:16:18

so, big thanks to you all btw
she has also said she has had sex when she hasn't wanted to.
so its without her consent, its rape.
but she doesn't see it that way at all, I think she thinks she has to have sex
he's been telling her I'm a massive feminist (too right) but I think this is invalidating everything I say now in her eyes
fuck

mickhucknallspinkpancakes Wed 29-Nov-17 15:19:42

He's really worked a number on her in a very short space of time, hasn't he?

pollythedolly Wed 29-Nov-17 15:20:05

He sounds dangerous.

Hairgician Wed 29-Nov-17 15:31:32

If I were you I'd be speaking to her family, as this is seriously all kinds of wrong. He defo sounds dangerous and she's not able to see it yet. She also needs some form of birth control asap, injection prob better for now as he won't know and can't tamper with it.
Last thing she needs/wants is this dangerous creature trapping her with a baby.

caremummy Wed 29-Nov-17 15:37:57

thanks

her family consists of her mum, older brother, younger sister and much younger half sister.

parents split up, step mum she gets on with - is 33

I can't go to family instantly as I have never met them. I think i'll have to work on it.

I don't know whether to go to mum or step mum though, and I don't have a clue what to say.

Think only time I can go to family would be after xmas

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