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Can't see a way out

(10 Posts)
AForest Tue 28-Nov-17 23:32:00

Been married for 15 years, I've not been happy for quite a long time but have put up with it for the sake of the children (we have 3). I have thought about leaving for years. The marriage is loveless, no sex for the last 6 years. I am a SAHM, and was fully intending to go back to work when our youngest was at school but my eldest has had problems which have meant I have been her carer for a while as her school hours have been irregular. This is improving but she is still part time at school.

H has control of the finances, deals with practical stuff but there is no emotional support for me. No touching, hugging, kissing even saying goodnight. I can't deal with it anymore. Then I feel selfish for feeling this way as we have a nice home, the kids have a good standard of living. I would love to be able to stick it out until they have left home (youngest is 6) but I don't think I can do it anymore. I am depressed and finding it hard to function. I think staying will take a toll on my mental health but leaving seems impossible.

We went to Relate, and H is happy with the way things are, agrees we are not perfect but doesn't want to change. All I could say was I can't live like this, I can't do it anymore, I feel worthless and he was impassive. He showed no emotion at the thought of separating either. It is always me who raises the unhappiness of our marriage, he would carry on as we are.

I've no idea why I am writing this, I just don't see how I can leave or how I can stay. As a dad I cannot fault H, he does a lot with the children, to the point of spoiling them (although when they were younger he did very little with them). I can't compete with that as I don't have the money. When I have tried to apply for jobs he undermines me and tells me not to, that there is no need for me to work and that I have to be available for the children. I am so cross with myself for getting into this powerless situation, I'm desperate for change but can't see how. Just reading this back makes me sound pathetic. Has anyone been in a similar situation? The things stopping me leaving are no financial independence, no profession, a child with complex needs, no confidence, depression and lack of energy. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Disquieted1 Tue 28-Nov-17 23:57:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Worriedrose Wed 29-Nov-17 00:32:02

Lots of people stay forever like this.
It's your life, no one else's. You can make of it what you want. Easier said than done, but if you've felt like this for years, ask yourself do you really think it will get better.

Do you want to lie on your deathbed regretting that you sacrificed your own life for just an existence. Regret is a killer.

custarddinosaur Wed 29-Nov-17 00:54:30

Perhaps try and make an appointment to see a counsellor - but this time by yourself so you can talk about what you want without being shut down by him.

It's a bit concerning that he won't allow you to have your independence and get a job - he's currently making you totally financially dependent on him, isn't he? That means he's got you trapped and completely reliant on him so you can't leave, and some people would say this is financially controlling and abusive.

DiscoDeviant Wed 29-Nov-17 01:01:15

This was me, exactly a few years ago. Although my husband was a serial cheat too. Everything else you said was the same though. I spent a year on the sofa struggling with anxiety and depression after my youngest started school. Then I went out and got a job. I was terrified, and it was basic part-time role a long way from where I was before. But it gave me a purpose and my confidence and self esteem back and I was able to leave eventually. Your husband is trying to control you and keep you where he wants you. I didn’t think I’d be able to leave, financially or that I’d cope on my own as my ex made me feel useless. I wasn’t though and neither are you. I am so happy now. It’s possible. You just need to get your plan in place.

user1466108618 Wed 29-Nov-17 05:51:58

Hi im going through the exact same right at this moment and feel entirely powerless. I told my other half i want to split up he then thinks im having an episode and threatened to phone the hospital for no other reason than i want to finish with him. We have 4 kids and a mortgage and im just so unhappy my life is miserable with him.
I started sw and was slowly loosing the weight i received no support from him like your doing good etc amd when i put on weight he laughed. He is trying to act all nice and innocent but by heck if i had somewhere to go i would be going and fast.

AForest Wed 29-Nov-17 13:12:29

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know the power is in me somewhere I need to find it. You are right we do only have one life and I am not living the one I want to. I understand that my H is controlling me, not necessarily in a devious or malicious way, he just doesn't want the apple cart upsetting so is probably doing what he can to keep the family together. His lack of empathy to my feelings is part of why I am so unhappy and is the problem. And I know he won't change I have told him many times how unhappy I am with things and how our relationship is unfulfilling. We are just incompatible and I know that we never will be.

I know nothing will change unless I make it happen, I need some clarity and a plan. The first step is finding a job.

user 1466108618 you have my sympathy. Well done on losing weight, that is a good first step to feel better about yourself and give yourself a boost. Likewise I have lost a stone and H hasn't made one comment.

Discodeviant - thank you for sharing your story, that really does help. Its great to hear you are so happy now.

DiscoDeviant Wed 29-Nov-17 20:33:00

@AForest I really am. I met an absolutely wonderful bloke and had a proper love at first sight thunderbolt as well. Never believed in any of that shit, or thought I’d ever want another relationship, but it happened to me at the age of 43. After years of a loveless, sexless marriage I’ve got my zing back. And the thunderbolt it still going strong 14 months on.

AForest Thu 30-Nov-17 23:21:57

That's really fabulous @DiscoDeviant. There's definitely hope then.

I had a counselling appointment earlier. Came home and told H we will have to separate. He didn't take it too well, but it shouldn't be a surprise as we sort of agreed that is the way forward last week. It is a scary first step and we have agreed not to do anything before Christmas. Then we will have to sort finances and see what the options for us are. In the meantime I will start looking for a job, even just a small one to start with. I feel a bit sad and like the bad guy but I know I have to do this. H told me I should be grateful as there are worse husbands out there. I get that, but just because there are awful abusive people out there doesn't mean I have to settle for this unfulfilled life.

Cricrichan Fri 01-Dec-17 04:56:55

But he is controlling, which is abusive as well as financially abusive. That's not a good example for your kids so not exactly a great father. Very easy for him to be generous to the kids when he has the money and you're not allowed to work and not paid for the work you do at home.

From now on, ignore everything he says. Realise you're not the one splitting the family up. no affection, no support, no equality. It's him splitting the family up.

All the best op.

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