Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do men get the better deal?

(35 Posts)
Nevergiveupdreaming Tue 28-Nov-17 22:13:30

My DH seems to come and go as he pleases and it’s really getting me down.

We both work and have 4 dc

I plan my work around dc and arrange all childcare.
He has one day per week off when he does School runs and looks after dc4.
He has applied for and got a new job where he will be working on that day. It’s great that he has a new job, I’m pleased for him. However he has just shirked his responsibility for childcare on that day and hasn’t even considered a solution. Yet again it’s all left to me. I have had to reduce my hours at my job so I can do school run and put dc4 in nursery for the extra day. I will loose money, he will gain money!

Anytime dc are I’ll its me who takes time off to care for them.

I have tried talking to him about it but he just turns it into an argument and says I don’t want him to have a new job etc etc.

Aibu?

crazyhead Tue 28-Nov-17 22:19:23

Nope, not unreasonable. It’s common and shit and unfair. But you need to create a vacuum. Tell him it’s entirely up to him to fix that day. Next time the kids are ill and you get a call literally hand his direct line at work and tell the school to fix it with him.

Heratnumber7 Tue 28-Nov-17 22:31:32

I will loose money, he will gain money!

But will you gain as a family unit?

passthecremeeggs Wed 29-Nov-17 07:56:25

I hate this so much. This kind of behaviour pervades every part of my life and the life of so many women. See here...http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3088346-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-Part-2

I would also be tempted just to not sort it and make him do it. But do you think he'd actually step up or would he drop the ball completely leaving you to pick up the pieces?

Codlet Wed 29-Nov-17 08:05:49

He should definitely have discussed this with you before applying for the new job. That is really rubbish. Is there no chance at all that he can arrange his working hours to carry on doing some of the drop offs and pick ups?

You need a serious conversation with him about this. I’m not saying he shouldn’t take the new job but he needs to understand the impact on you and you need to discuss possible solutions together.

wowbutter Wed 29-Nov-17 08:06:20

But you didn't have to do it, did you?
When he told you he was working that day, you could have responded it's your concerns about childcare and offered him help with sorting it, but explicitly told him you will not be responsible for it. And he has to.

And I don't understand how he gets more money and you get less? Surely it's family money? And if it isn't? Why aren't the nursery fees for that day coming from his account?

You are enabling him. Either suck it up and get on with it, or stop.

Thebluedog Wed 29-Nov-17 08:12:17

I’d torn it round on him and simply ask him what he intends to do with dc 4 in the day he’s now workIng?

If he comes up with childcare, say that’s great and he’s paying for it. And why don’t you have a pot for childcare etc. Surely he can’t expect you to pick up the additional costs of your finances aren’t split?

I know it’s dofficult but unless you actually make him responsible then he’s never going to step up (chances are he won’t anyway).

Pinkpillows Wed 29-Nov-17 08:12:44

So I assume his wages pays most of the bills? If so why moan

Single parents work, look after home and child. If your partner gives you a comfortable life from his wages but does his fair bit on days off I can't see the problem

otherdoor Wed 29-Nov-17 08:15:29

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I'd be furious if my DH took a new job with different hours and left me to sort the childcare!

Why will he gain money and you lose money? Please tell me you're not paying all the childcare costs from your salary??

bristolone Wed 29-Nov-17 08:16:17

Pink pillow - why are you assuming the OP earns less than her DH and/or he pays for most of the bills?

Scrowy Wed 29-Nov-17 08:20:05

What the actual fuck pink pillows?

rollingonariver Wed 29-Nov-17 08:31:24

Do you not have family finances? If not maybe suggest you do that because you will be losing money and also be working constantly because of having four children.
It's pretty grim he didn't ask you and just assumed you'd sort the kids out. Maybe just don't sort out the childcare and make it clear that's what you're doing because it's his responsibility. I'm not saying it's your fault at all but by doing the work, you're allowing him not to.

abilockhart Wed 29-Nov-17 08:38:32

Why do men get the better deal?

He can only get a better deal if you go along with it.

I will lose money, he will gain money!

Please, please, tell me it is family money as you have four dc together. It is also worrying that he did not consult you about the new position as it should be a family decision.

Whatever about the penny not dropping for him straight-away immediately after the birth of the first child, how can this still be the situation after four children.

user1493413286 Wed 29-Nov-17 08:48:33

You need to make it his problem - tell him you’re very happy about his new job and ask what he’ll be doing about childcare.
Also wondering why you’ll lose money; however you organise your finances his extra pay needs to pay the extra childcare costs

mindutopia Wed 29-Nov-17 09:37:37

You have to demand what you expect of other people. If you don't, then you're setting yourself up for that being the way it is. Yes, traditionally women have taken on these roles, but there's no reason it has to be that way if you just do it differently. Realistically, I do a bit more of the school runs and taking time off for sickness than my husband, but that's only because I work in a salaried professional position where it really doesn't matter. So I don't claim those days as leave, they're paid like any other day, as long as the work gets done, same with doing the school run. I work slightly shorter days, but still get work done in the evenings and on weekends (when my husband does the solo parenting). My dh on the other hand is self-employed, so time off work with a sick child is lost earnings from delayed projects and cancelled client meetings. So it's better financially if I do a bit more of it, but he still takes off and does his fair share (for example, does the school run probably 3 mornings a week and then does the afternoon school run still maybe 1-2 days a week). In the end though, money is money and it's family money so it's not like if he works til 5 every afternoon he gets to keep that money and I go without. Similarly, we both get evenings off and weekends away when the other does everything. But it's because that's what I've always expected and that's what's always been normal for us.

If you want to be working more, then he needs to figure out how to sort out childcare for the days when he can't do the school runs and for days when children are home sick.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Wed 29-Nov-17 12:53:27

Why do men get the better deal?

Because too many women sacrifice their lives for family, putting themselves below their children and partners. They give up their careers to be SAHPs (so the man doesn't have to rein in his career). They don't insist on getting married before having children (which leaves them vulnerable if he buggers off). They move away from friends and family to live nearer the man's work (she gives up her support network but he doesn't). In other words, many women make themselves vulnerable.

They pick up the slack when their partners don't deliver, thus making their own lives harder yet not impacting on their parters'. They automatically fall into roles which negatively affect them in the long run. They make rods for their own backs. They keep having kids with men who have proven to be unsupportive, crap husbands and fathers. They become martyrs. They forgive affairs because they don't want to divorce the bastards and risk upsetting the kids.

All this probably because we're raised to be helpful, caring, and understanding. To stay and fight to improve crap relationships, because leaving and being single seems worse to some.

Men get the better deal because, many times, women let them.

Quartz2208 Wed 29-Nov-17 12:55:03

because you have enable him

how are your finances split because it does not have to be such a clear split of he gains and you lose

BenLui Wed 29-Nov-17 12:57:06

Men get a better deal when women style for a worse one I’m afraid.

Pick a time when you are both calm and explain your concerns.

Creatureofthenight Wed 29-Nov-17 13:05:14

Well you've let him have the better deal if you've sorted the childcare to your detriment. It was pretty shit of him not to consider this when applying for a new job. And childcare should be the responsibility of both parents.

Nevergiveupdreaming Wed 29-Nov-17 21:05:14

We have separate finances, his choice initially, but now I couldn’t deal with the why did you buy questions (usually extra food shopping).
I know I have enabled him so I’ve only myself to blame. I just feel like he’s taking the piss.

Walkingtowork Wed 29-Nov-17 21:27:07

I don't buy this 'women enable it'. Would we seriously, as female partners, screw over our dc's fathers like this if they 'enabled' it? Of course not (in most cases).

You're looking at structural inequality here.The system's set up this way and there's precious little an individual woman can do about it, so don't blame them.

Nevergiveupdreaming Thu 30-Nov-17 21:35:18

I’ve just attempted to talk to him about it. I said if my boss doesn’t not grant my request does he have any ideas what we could do. He appeared angry and said I shouldn’t be stressed about it now, let’s waut and see. I said I’m not stressed but would like a plan, he told me to work later another day to make up the time. My company closes at the time I finish so that’s not an option.

I really want s happy ending where he does care and take responsibility but that is seeming more unlikely by the day.

Nevergiveupdreaming Thu 30-Nov-17 21:40:50

We pay half each of bills and I pay all childcare as I receive child tax credit towards this. Money is tight but he will have more disposable than me and already does as I pay almost everything as well as half the direct debits

magoria Thu 30-Nov-17 21:45:54

He is basically telling you that he is more important than you and he doesn't really care.

He will do the job he wants, get the extra income, have less hassles and more for himself.

You can sort out the mess, take less hours, risk your job, take lesser pay, pay in less towards your pension, have less disposable income because you are not important.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Thu 30-Nov-17 21:49:45

This is about much more than childcare. He's taking the proverbial.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now