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Husband always criticising my hometown

(79 Posts)
Jaded85 Tue 28-Nov-17 03:58:35

Wierd post alert! So frustrated. I've always know that my DH had a derogatory opinion of my hometown. He made no secret of this before we married but only made a few fleeting comments that I gave no deep thought to. Once we were married I realised that these thoughts were heavily influenced by my mother-in-law. She claimed repeatedly in her generalisations, all people from my hometown were crooks, sharp and cunning. I found these very bizarre comments and again tried my best to ignore them. However over the one and half years we've been married, my husband has gone as far as saying certain member of my family are the way they are because of our hometown. My family are all working professionals who live comfortably in a reputable area. This has started to irk me now, as I find it strange that a highly educated man can make comments like this. I've tried to challenge him and his argument is so weak but he still thinks it's ok to insult members of my family, who have done nothing but be pleasent to him, purely because of where they live. Most recently he said my young teenage niece was sharp and manipulative because of where she lived. She is such a pleasent high achieving young girl. I'm utterly baffled.

Vitalogy Tue 28-Nov-17 04:09:43

I think there's more issues going on here. The critique of the hometown is just being used for an outlet for it all.
If your husband wants to make the marriage work, surely this subjected should be avoided. Which wouldn't be that difficult to do really.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 28-Nov-17 04:44:29

He is indirectly criticizing you. I predict as time goes on this will develop into direct criticisms of you. It is like a golden stick to beat you with because there isn't anything you can do about it. I would be worried that he would set you up to take the blame for something. Be careful.

CoyoteCafe Tue 28-Nov-17 06:34:30

agreed -- it sounds like red flags for emotional abuse. he's putting YOU down. He also doesn't care about how you feel or about how his words hurt you or make you angry.

YouWhoNeverArrived Tue 28-Nov-17 06:43:50

Are you from Liverpool? I've encountered prejudice ever since I moved away from Liverpool aged 18, including from one of my long-term boyfriends. It was a sign of something deeper, namely that he didn't like me very much. How is your marriage more generally?

Bekabeech Tue 28-Nov-17 06:58:47

I thought of Liverpool too - as the place that some have such views about.

Anyhow I would have it out with him. It is insulting to you.
But also to hold and express such prejudiced views are not something I could put up with. It’s something worse than the “common or garden racist” who derides a group “except for Hari” who he works with and is a good bloke. This guy doesn’t even allow exceptions for those he has personal experience of.

SandyY2K Tue 28-Nov-17 07:49:15

I thought of Liverpool as well. It's my hometown and people do joke about it.

I wouldn't tolerate DH running it down though.

I can deal with jokes showing pics of an office chair without wheels .... but that's it.

Have you told him you don't want to hear your hometown being run down and you find it hurtful?

If not tell him to stop right now.

PickAChew Tue 28-Nov-17 07:58:27

You need to tell him to stfu every single time. He's trying to pull you away from your family, which is a common abuser's tactic.

One thing I will advise is not to start a family with this man, if you haven't already because that will become something else that you can never do right, in his eyes.

With the benefit of hindsight, I would walk away. For good.

AlternativeTentacle Tue 28-Nov-17 08:02:37

Could you tell him to fuck right off and file for a divorce? This is what he thinks of you and if he wasn't happy with people from that place then why did he marry you? He is always going to fall back to this every time you have a disagreement so just end it now before it blights the rest of your life.

Joysmum Tue 28-Nov-17 08:31:05

Tell him directly that every time he snipes at your hometown he is insulting you and the people you love and grew up with and to knock on the head as it’s damaging the respect he has for you.

Joysmum Tue 28-Nov-17 08:31:42

*and it’s damaging the respect YOU have for HIM blush

cato75 Tue 28-Nov-17 08:41:03

Liverpool hometown here too. When visiting a friend at her University, her boyfriend constantly made jibes about where we were from. He clearly had his own issues but used this as a stick to beat her with. I just saw his deep insecurities. Funnily enough he only acted like this in front of her female friends.

Fekko Tue 28-Nov-17 08:44:00

I though Manchester myself.

Lovemenoooooww Tue 28-Nov-17 08:53:07

Does he criticise you, things you like or other things about you, OP?

My ex is hugely abusive. He started out by critising and mocking the music I liked.

Jaded85 Tue 28-Nov-17 10:19:08

I'm from Bradford. We have a little girl. I've tried to have it out with him but he continues to maintain his point that our environment shapes our personality. He sees me defending myself as being biased.

Devilscope Tue 28-Nov-17 10:28:55

He sounds like a lunatic.

Why should you have to “defend” your hometown? confused It’s like he’s got this obsession with it and he’s now some urbane, sophisticated man who is “let down” by his in laws (does he know he and his mum sound socially inept and very nouveau riche/desperately lower middle class?I’d point this out )

I also think that this could be the start of “testing your boundaries” Often abusers start with something a bit “small” (so small that you feel ridiculous/defensive/touchy for even bringing it up and he can smile indulgently and go “X is embarrassed about coming from Y”) in order to make you doubt your own judgement in your feelings. He wants to see you “ashamed” or deferring yo his judgement.

Then it moves onto the bigger stuff.

SlowlyShrinking Tue 28-Nov-17 10:32:02

I used to work with 2 Liverpudlians who had to listen to a lot of jokes about nicking car wheels. It must have been pretty tedious for them.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 28-Nov-17 10:36:38

he continues to maintain his point that our environment shapes our personality

'DH you really should think about what you're saying there. Firstly, you need to stop this silly paranoia about Bradford. It is just a city. It is a big place. You are beginning to sound as if you have a real problem with just this one place. It makes me think that maybe something happened there that bothers you? It's really not normal.

Secondly, if you believe what you say about environment, then all you're saying there is that your parents must have brought you up to be paranoid, obsessive, and silly, and rude to people you supposedly care about as a result? - and there's nothing you can now do about that? How insulting to your parents!

Thirdly, take this as a last warning. I won't stay in a marriage with someone who puts me and my family, and therefore my daughter, down. You are not only coming across as a fool, you're coming across as a nasty mean little bully. Very hard to like or respect someone like that. Grow up or you'll end up without your family.'

PeachyCandle Tue 28-Nov-17 10:53:07

Fellow West Yorkshire lass here waves smile

That is really weird of him, and your MIL! I where these ideas came from in her head? Do they think you were brought up by a Fagin type character in the Victorian era? Bradford has a diverse and fascinating history, some lovely old buildings and is close to Bronte country! It’s had its problems but no more than other areas. I had an ex years ago who was critical of my (not overly broad) accent, and the fact I hadn’t moved far to go to uni. Like he saw himself as very cosmopolitan and well travelled in comparison...he was always banging on about how good his home city was in comparison to mine confused

AlternativeTentacle Tue 28-Nov-17 11:57:17

Why did he marry someone from Bradford if he has problems with people from Bradford?

GreyOwls Tue 28-Nov-17 12:05:11

Another one here saying that its a red flag for an abuser.

My first long term boyfriend was like this. I was from a midlands city and he was from a borough just 5 miles away.

He constantly put my parents and friends down with little jibes, saying they ‘arent bad considering they come from Beiruit.’ My family were prominent christians, church-going, tea-total, home owning, semi-professionals, married for twenty years. He’d also introduce me as ‘Anna from ‘local notorious council estate’ when I came from a very nice private estate over 10 miles away from there. I dumped him after one insult too many.

He looked me up years later to apologise following therapy. He said he felt innadequate and insecure and that he was sure I’d leave him if he didnt keep me down. He said he used to enjoy seeing my crestfallen look and embarassment at his remarks as I was too polite to call him out. He was regularly beaten by his abusive father and told he was no good. Ah, the cycle of abuse.

Jaded85 Tue 28-Nov-17 12:09:14

I ask him the same question about why he married me if we're all so bad. He's grown up with his mum berating everyone from bradford. Tbh I've never heard mil ever say anyone. He says he's not like her and he's not in many ways, but in this instant he echoes her. If I tell him anything about my family, or an issue, it always comes back to them being from bradford. I've got to a point now where I don't even want to tell him anything.

BrandNewHouse Tue 28-Nov-17 12:10:25

Is it in that book called “Shit Towns”?

Jaded85 Tue 28-Nov-17 12:11:32

Sorry. I meant I've never heard mil say anything nice about anyone, regardless of where they're from. But Bradford has always been top of her hate list.

Velvetbee Tue 28-Nov-17 12:17:14

'DH, every time you say that my respect for you dies a little. If you want to stay married you will STFU on this subject.' And walk away.

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