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Getting married with an interfering MIL!!

(67 Posts)
eirrah Mon 27-Nov-17 12:16:29

Hi. My boyfriend and I have started to plan our wedding and his Mum is doing my head in! We are having a smallish do and I don’t want a huge fuss. My mum died when I was 18 and obviously I’m missing her loads right now as id love to plan it with her. I don’t want his mum interfering and trying to replace my Mum. We bought the groom and best mans outfit this weekend (getting married abroad and in shorts) and she kicked off saying what will our dads wear as they can’t wear shorts and we should have thought about that. Firstly, I couldn’t care less if my own Dad turned up in jeans and trainers really. It’s our wedding and we will wear what we want!

She also has her own Pinterest boards with decor ideas and things I personally do not want at my wedding. She’s asked to come along to all the wedding fairs with her and I don’t want her to. I want to go to the first one with my boyfriend and after that I want to go with my bridesmaids.

I know she’s excited but it’s really getting to me as I want to have a special day that me and my boyfriend want - not his Mum.

He said he will mention it to her but he doesn’t know how to. He recommended giving her something to do to make her feel involved but I don’t know what role I could give her? I don’t want to sound spoilt but I just don’t want her interfering. They aren’t contributing anything to our wedding money wise and I just want a special day that me and my boyfriend want.

Any advice? Thank you xx

Hiphopopotamus Mon 27-Nov-17 12:19:48

I’m sorry for the loss of your Mum but I do think YABU

You’ve just said you’d like to be planning it with your Mum. You’d be going to wedding fairs with her and getting her involved. Your boyfriends Mum has a child getting married in exactly the same way - it’s really not fair to cut her out like that.

champagneplanet Mon 27-Nov-17 12:25:59

You need to give her a job to do to focus her enthusiasm on. She has every right to be excited, you'd probably be disappointed if she wasn't interested.

Don't get married life off to be bad start by falling out with your MIL. Be firm but fair with her, she might actually be useful to you.

Melony6 Mon 27-Nov-17 12:26:35

Perhaps play it all down a bit. Go quietly to wedding fairs. Make the decisions and stick to them.

You can't know that you and your DM would have happily agreed on stuff. My DD's made up their own minds. They would let me know what they were planning but my input would not have tallied with them as I would rather have the money!

I don't agree that you can let her join in as your ideas could be miles apart. If DP is only child perhaps let her arrange the table decs complete over blown expense imv

eirrah Mon 27-Nov-17 12:29:16

She has a daughter too. I know I might sound a bit bratty but all my friends who have got married said their MIL’s never really got too involved as it’s mainly the brides mothers. I just don’t want her ideas forced upon us and hugging and puffing because my boyfriend isn’t wearing a suit to the wedding etc. We had an engagement party and she did loads of decs that I didn’t agree on or like but had to keep them to be polite. I just don’t want that to be the case on my wedding day.

MrsJayy Mon 27-Nov-17 12:31:50

Her son is getting married she is uber excited and wants to share her excitment with you and her son. Try and be a bit more understanding and she won't annoy you so much let her in give her a thing to do she wants to know what the dads are to wear because she doesn't want to upset you you could have shown an interested said something to her.

MrsJayy Mon 27-Nov-17 12:34:16

If you feel she is overstepping then you need to just tell her what you want to, if you are getting married abroad there won't be an awful lot to do here

CremeFresh Mon 27-Nov-17 12:34:19

Try not to fall out with her over what essentially boils down to 'stuff'. I know it's your wedding and you rightly want it to be just how you want it, but flowers are flowers however they're arranged, food is food and no one will remember ( or care) who wore what.

WhiteVixen Mon 27-Nov-17 12:36:30

If you (or your OH) cannot manage to have a conversation with her telling her that she will not be involved in the planning of anything to do with the wedding then you may just need to practice your non-commital 'oh yes that's interesting' face/response then ignore ignore ignore. If she wants to spend her time on Pinterest making wedding boards then let her crack on.

Why couldn't your dads wear shorts? Is there some reason behind her kicking off or is she just creating a fuss where none is required?

She does not need a 'job' to make her feel involved. She is not the one getting married. She especially has no right to an opinion if she is not contributing financially. Dealing with an overbearing MIL is no easy task, and you need to make sure your OH does his bit to prevent her from getting too invested. This is not your responsibility, it is his to tell her to back off.

Yes you may have involved your mum if she was still with you (sorry for your loss), but that does not mean his mum gets to take her place. Tell him he can involve her is his side of the plans if she absolutely must be part of it. She is his mother, not yours.

PeaPodPopper Mon 27-Nov-17 12:36:36

He recommended giving her something to do to make her feel involved

I just want a special day that me and my boyfriend want

Just read back these two sentences from your OP. It's not just your wedding, it's yours and your boyfriends wedding. If it's the only thing he's asked you to do then surely there is something you can ask her help with - no matter how small.

Your Op reads to me that you are missing your mum badly - for which you have my absolute sympathy - and are taking your anger re the fact that she can't be at your wedding, out on your boyfriends mum. It's not her fault.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 27-Nov-17 12:36:45

If your DP wants to give her a job he can give her job that is normally done by his side.

Why do you need to take her along to things your doing.

Your DP can take her along to the fitting of his outfit or something.

I love my mil, she’s won’t have any input into my wedding dress our choice of decorations or venue. But then she wouldn’t be so presumptuous.

MrsJayy Mon 27-Nov-17 12:37:28

I assume your boyfriend has a say in the organising

MrsExpo Mon 27-Nov-17 12:38:19

I think YABU. If you’re getting married abroad then he thoughts on decor etc (presumably for the ceremony and reception venue) will be less easy to pull off, so use that argument if she wants to “suggest” ideas. But your DPs idea of giving her a role so she’s involved in some way is a good one. Maybe she thinks that, as your own mother has passed away, you might like a mother figure to be involved with the occasion. There must be something she can do to “help” which will keep her busy whilst not taking over. It is her son’s wedding after all.

mummyretired Mon 27-Nov-17 12:40:32

Tell her it's your one and only wedding and you want the planning to be a special project for you and your partner to do alone together. You need to make it clear that your relationship and decisions are private between the two of you, or she will be a nightmare when you have children. Give her some hen party responsibilities.

I paid for my daughter's wedding and would not have dreamt of inviting myself to wedding fairs etc.

category12 Mon 27-Nov-17 13:18:28

Give her something to arrange, like your fiancé suggested. Perhaps a meal for your guests the night before the wedding or the day after, or finding accommodation for guests, or something like that.

Childrenslivesmatter Mon 27-Nov-17 15:52:16

If theres something you are not particularly bothered about. Can she have that job? Could be something like flowers... or whatever you arent bothered about. I havent had a wedding so i cant think of anything. But something not too small a job, bit enough so she feels like she has been involved?

heavenforbid Mon 27-Nov-17 16:06:05

Could she make confetti parcels for you? Or help with favours? Or write place cards? I agree that giving her something to do might focus her attention, and make her feel wanted and involved without letting her overpower yours and your boyfriends ideas/wishes.

heavenforbid Mon 27-Nov-17 16:07:44

Another thought - could she do a reading? You could even suggest that she researches readings, find a few and then you could decide together which one she'll do.

OrianaBanana Mon 27-Nov-17 16:09:31

What’s your boyfriend involved in planning? He can give her some of that to do, and talk it all over with her. If he’s keen to involve her, he can take her to the wedding fairs x

bellsandwhistles89 Mon 27-Nov-17 16:16:38

I lost my mum when I was 18 as well and am currently engaged. The thought of organising my wedding without my mum being there still makes me upset. Your mother in law might be involving herself more because she feels like she has to make up for the fact that your mum is not going to be there - not because she wants to replace her but more to make it easier for you?

If you dont want her input then just explain it to her in the nicest possible way - or your partner could. If you want to involve her in the wedding then maybe give her a job (reading at the wedding?).

Its going to be hard as I think every little girl thinks her mum will be there when she gets married and when it turns out different it hurts.

Are you going to remember your mum on the day? You could have a picture of her in your bouquet or a picture at your table? Something that will make her a part of your day and possibly make you feel better.

DancesWithOtters Mon 27-Nov-17 16:17:08

It sounds like you need to manage her expectations by giving her some information on the type of theme you are going for.

You are getting married casually on the beach, so if she is thinking of suits with waistcoats and top hats she could have completely understood what you are planning.

I agree with giving her a task - flowers or table favours or something.

Or if not, just be straight up and tell her that it will be very relaxed, you already have it all in hand but thank you for her offer of help.

Davespecifico Mon 27-Nov-17 16:20:51

When you gave children, she’s going to be an interfering PITA. Are you ready for that?
She’s his mum, you shouldn’t gave to feel pressured by her.

badg3r Mon 27-Nov-17 16:26:12

Can't your DF just tell her the truth? The wedding planning is making you especially miss your mum right now so you will be planning the day just the two of you and will ask for help as and when.
I would try and include her in something, maybe coordinating rsvps from family, getting everyone's addresses, helping with family seating plans. Things that don't really require an artistic stamp on them and just need to get done.
If she still really wants to go to the wedding fairs she can go with your DF wink

Ropsleybunny Mon 27-Nov-17 16:28:07

I’m sorry for the loss of your Mum but I do think YABU

You’ve just said you’d like to be planning it with your Mum. You’d be going to wedding fairs with her and getting her involved. Your boyfriends Mum has a child getting married in exactly the same way - it’s really not fair to cut her out like that.

This post nails it.

user1493413286 Mon 27-Nov-17 16:35:59

I don’t have very much advice but I’m going to go against what some people have said and agree with you that it’s your day, she has already got married and had her day so it’s not her right to be involved and it’s up to you how much you want to involve her.
Both mothers drove me a bit crazy when we first started planning our wedding but over time they have been less and less involved; in part because they only know stuff when I tell them and if they disagree with me I just tell them politely that it’s alreay decided or it’s a money issue

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