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I need you to share your reaction to the way my ex treated me

(123 Posts)
Iris65 Mon 27-Nov-17 09:08:55

I am struggling to stop missing my ex and I keep finding ways to explain away his behaviour and minimise his abuse. It really helps to hear other peoples’ reaction to the way that he treated me so please share your thoughts and feelings about my experiences:

……… when we travelled he told me not to speak Dutch or German because it sounded horrible, then telling me that I ‘had stepped over the line’ if I defended myself. Talking about how awful my family are at the dining table in his brother’s home on the very first time that I met him and his extended family. The time that he told me after a brief conversation I had in German with a hotel owner that my attempts to speak German were embarrassing and that no one liked hearing their language mangled by the way that I spoke it.

………after meeting my son for dinner he told me that I talked too much, was attention-seeking and that my son and his partner thought that I was boring and stupid. The New Year’s lunch with my son that he ruined because beforehand he decided that I should tell them how awful my childhood was. I tried to explain that it was not the right time or place, that it was mine to discuss, but he refused to listen and threatened to tell them himself if I didn’t. I arrived at the restaurant with bloodshot eyes and a puffy face from crying and spent the meal anxious that he was going to bring it all up. Of course he didn’t.

…………all of the times that he ignored my needs: the two 10 hour trips that should have been 3 hours to save £300 when he had almost a quarter of a million in the bank and a salary 10 times more than the monthly bills; the 1.5 mile walk from the bus stop after those trips because he would not get a taxi. All of that occurring during a weekend before and after which I had been at work in a hard, stressful job and with his full knowledge of my serious health problems. The refusal to buy me a cup of tea at the airport because according to him I didn’t need it. Asking me why? whenever I mentioned feeling ill or tired. Returning from my Dad’s funeral after a 300 mile round trip to find nothing done and the kitchen dirty. He stayed in his chair and barely glanced up when I came in, not even bothering offer to make me a drink, let alone ask me how I was or how it had gone.

……….that he refused to write a will or make any provision for me if he died when we discussed the future. That what happened after his death was ‘my problem’ and if his family inherited his estate then ‘they were nice people’ and would look after me. His dismissing my need for security as of no account by refusing to reply when I pointed out that at if he died I would be heartbroken and dealing with his death at the same time as facing the loss of my home and financial insecurity. That he knew how much I wanted to marry him and said ‘You’d like that wouldn’t you.’ with a sly smile when he said that we would marry if it meant that he could stay in the UK following Brexit, while refusing to consider it for my sake.

…………..his refusing to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Valentines day or anniversaries because they were meaningless; regardless of how I felt. His refusal to buy me any gifts or an engagement ring even though he knew how much I would have liked a ring from him.

……..that on holiday, after I had told him that, as I paid for the accommodation and travel, he was responsible for buying the meals and trips, he insisted that we only needed to eat once a day and my having to buy cheese, bread and fruit to eat in the hotel or on the bus. Hi insistence that I pay for the hotel which we had booked then decided not to use when a family member told us that it was known for renting rooms to sex workers and drug users.

…………him pushing me to leave the house with no job and nowhere to go just after my redundancy and my Dad’s death. His standing watching me break my heart over my redundancy, my Dad’s death, the loss of my home and us breaking up and doing and saying nothing. He refused me a hug when I was sobbing and asked him directly to please put his arms around me. He walked away saying that ‘It would be inappropriate.’

………his calling me crazy and ‘nut job’, insisting that I had BPD (the previous diagnosis of which even my psychiatrist disagreed with) and his opinion that I would never improve. His pointing out how badly it reflected on me when I watched certain TV programmes. He then went on to tell me that his brother and sister had found their father’s partner reading gossip magazines and how disgusted they were. The implication being that they would also be disgusted with me for watching those TV programmes.

………his telling me that he felt sorry for me because I ‘never had never had a chance’, my life was such a mess and I wouldn’t get better.

…………his agreeing that if I wanted to kill myself I should because my son would get over it.

………him telling me that I may have been smart when I was younger but I wasn’t now. Then explaining that this wasn’t my fault, it was the drugs, the surgery, the stress that had messed up my mind. His telling me, when I expressed my own insecurities and doubts, that maybe I was right and my friends and family really didn’t like me and that they did think that I was boring and stupid.

..............he had no interest in the things I love, and would either not listen or would dismiss and devalue those things. He told me that art, literature, philosophy, religion, history were all worthless and should not be taught at university or funded by the government. He told me that anyone with spiritual beliefs or a faith was crazy and he wanted nothing to do with them.

…………his telling me that women who cared about their appearance were stupid and shallow and not respecting my desire to care for my appearance. His telling me that when I first met him I was a bad kisser, and that he taught me how to kiss properly.

It helps to write it down again.

Pajamagirl Mon 27-Nov-17 09:20:10

Yes it does help to write it down
I also think it would help if you could talk to someone in r l . Do u have someone you could offload to ?
He sounds like a nob but it is over and things will get better for you without his constant negative and unreasonable behaviour
If a friend told you this was happening to her the. You would quite rightly be horrified so apply the same standard of what is right to yourself and see him for what he is
Hugs OP X

hellsbellsmelons Mon 27-Nov-17 09:20:13

You wrote all of that!
No re-read it and try to understand why on earth you miss this bullying, abusive, fun sucking, asshole!!????
He brought nothing at all except misery and the ability to make you feel shit about yourself which in turn has lowered your self-esteem.
You really need to get yourself onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme and do it fast.
You missed a gazillion red flags and just ploughed on with a nasty abusive vile creature.
Find out why. Find out about red flags. Find out how to be assertive and end things.
The Freedom Programme with help with all of that.

WindowWiper Mon 27-Nov-17 09:21:26

You’re well rid, you did the right thing. flowers

ShatnersWig Mon 27-Nov-17 09:24:11

I never understand how people can't see when they are with a bullying, controlling, abusive partner. Or one who is just a total wanker. And often they do the "but I LOVE him". No, you don't love them, you've somehow become dependent on them. You can't love someone who treats you like shit.

Totally second hells with the suggestion of the Freedom Programme (which sorts out my previous paragraph).

Cricrichan Mon 27-Nov-17 09:28:14

Omg how can you miss that abusive piece of shit?? What a pathetic, disgusting creature. He's the one who must have had a bad childhood to treat you with such contempt and not even be able to offer the most basic of human reaction and be so insecure that he has to bring you down all the time.

mummyretired Mon 27-Nov-17 09:30:13

He hates and despises you (maybe all women) and is deliberately cruel. Why would you want to be with someone like that and how could you possibly not be better off without him?
He has made it very very clear that he doesn't want to be in relationship with you or appreciate you at all, he has no consideration of you at all.

If I was aware of someone acting like that I would avoid them and any of associates who condoned that behaviour.

mummyretired Mon 27-Nov-17 09:30:42

*their associates

KalaLaka Mon 27-Nov-17 09:35:27

Psychotherapy helped me in a similar situation. Worth a shot.

I think you're well on your way to realise what he is like and how badly you were treated.

If you can afford to, give yourself a treat day once a week. Massage, afternoon tea... reading all morning on the sofa, nice hot chocolate (budget option!) Show yourself generosity and kindness. List all the lovely things about you. Write them down. List all the things you can do well. All the kind things you do. Focus on YOU, not him. He's gone and you don't want to waste any more time on him.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes Mon 27-Nov-17 09:38:59

He’s a monster. An absolute monster.

You are well rid. Free to buy your own tea at the airport, speak crap German and take a taxi when you like.

Get some RL support if you feel vulnerable.

SassySausageSupper Mon 27-Nov-17 09:43:55

I could’nt even read it all. He sounds bloody awful. You deserve so so so much better.

Cheekyandfreaky Mon 27-Nov-17 09:48:46

He is an ex- HALLELUJAH! Seriously you should be breathing a sigh of relief.

If you find yourself feeling weak, reread everything you just wrote and remind yourself that no one has the right to treat you like that. Don’t allow yourself to be his punchbag.

I had an ex like him, very similar emotional abuse and picking away at my confidence. When you spoke about him pushing you to reveal your childhood history to your son before dinner, upsetting you and then living in fear that he would bring it up made me go cold.

Take some time, be single, go out, read, listen to podcasts, engage with the world and push that shithead out of your mind.

munkynutts Mon 27-Nov-17 09:52:02

My reaction is "this woman was with a psychopathic abuser and Im glad she's free"

mickhucknallspinkpancakes Mon 27-Nov-17 09:52:02

Oh übrigens - er war ein kontrollierender Arschloch Wichser!

tribpot Mon 27-Nov-17 09:56:51

I could’nt even read it all.

Me neither, it was so unbelievably grim. What on earth can you be missing? I'm just glad that you're free of that and you can get to live your life and enjoy it again. I'm sure it's what your dad (as well as your ds) would want for you. I'm very sorry for your bereavement.

Rainbowqueeen Mon 27-Nov-17 09:59:48

My reaction is that he hates women and looks for ways to abuse them

I really hope you go on to live a fabulous life, free from this loser

Bucketsandspoons Mon 27-Nov-17 10:02:43

Well done getting shot of that tedious and nasty arse flowers

Iris65 Mon 27-Nov-17 11:09:59

I’ve been thinking about doing the freedom programme. The problem is that I know the theory, I’m just been rubbish at applying it to my own life. What I am dealing with is called a trauma bond so it is hard to separate, especially as I have a history of being abused by others. With MN help I am getting there. Your replies have helped and I am going to keep them.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes your post made me laugh outloud. I really needed that.

Iris65 Mon 27-Nov-17 11:18:14

No, you don't love them, you've somehow become dependent on them. You can't love someone who treats you like shit.

shatnerswig I am co-dependent. I know that. I disagree that no one can love someone who treats them like shit. People in those kind of relationships focus on the good times and minimise or even deny the abuse, that’s why I have the list and why I started to thread, to keep me in touch with those memories and reinforce how bad it was. My own judgement is unstable at times.

Anyway, if you are interested in why some feel like this way you might look up trauma bonding. It explains why abused children miss their parents and has been applied to adult relationships too.

Cool name by the way. Captain Kirk was my first crush as an 8 year old.

holrosea Mon 27-Nov-17 12:05:51

I am blown away by your strength to keep going and your emotional intelligence to keep a lifeline going for yourself on here and with your list.

I could not finish reading it either because it sounded like such grinding misery from someone who sucked all the love and joy out of everything. You are so much more than "better off without", just thinking of not having to deal with that constant negativity and sniping feels like a weight being lifted from my neck, and I'm not even involved!

Please keep up your morale and remind yourself daily that you deserve better. flowers

Iris65 Mon 27-Nov-17 12:53:06

Thank you holrosea writing it all down was gruelling. It all took place over four years and yes, he almost destroyed me.

He ended it as one of his cruel games and told me that he knew I would be back.

Having moved out a month ago and I have got some perspective and been brutally honest with myself about what was happening.

Thanks for saying that I am strong. Sometimes I don’t feel it.

I have somewhere to live, am growing my own business, go to the gym most days and am starting to feel like a human being again. It will take time to fully recover, but I will get there, although I won’t be dating for a very long time!

Tiredmum100 Mon 27-Nov-17 13:09:57

Wow. How on earth did you put up with all that for so long. Be free, be happy. You are well rid of him. As someone else said he seems to have a dislike to women!! Do not go back! Good luck with your future. Who knows what's out there!

YorkieDorkie Mon 27-Nov-17 13:32:15

Jesus. I don't even know what to say. I would throw myself off a bridge rather than be with 'that'. Please, please, never stop reading this. Never stop writing it down. I don't care if I see this thread every day if that's how many times it takes to keep you away from him. He is a waste of oxygen.

TheSecondMrsAshwell Mon 27-Nov-17 13:46:34

Well, play a cruel game of your own and don't go back.

So he's completely psychic, is he? I mean, he could read your son's and your son's partner's mind to know they found you boring? I was in a similar situation at work. One of my colleagues took it upon themselves to let me know just what everyone else thought of me (none of it good). Next morning, the person who he told me was really fed up with me said good morning to me and I realised she wasn't that good an actress. She couldn't hate me and be so nice to me. Bet your son couldn't either.

If you need strength, get it by thinking that he is probably looking at his phone every 10 seconds waiting for the grovelling "I'm-sorry-please-let-me-come-back" text which isn't coming. He'll be looking at the calendar and trying to work out just how much longer you can last without him. "Can't be long, surely. Any minute now, any minute. Alright, then, tomorrow.... By the weekend, tops."

Think of him as Miss Havisham, waiting by the fireside (but with a phone and not a wedding cake).

And now read this post out loud in Dutch, then German. You're two languages ahead of me.

holrosea Mon 27-Nov-17 14:16:12

Iris65, I think "growing my own business, go to the gym most days and am starting to feel like a human being again" is exactly the right tonic and what you should focus on.

When you feel like you are struggling for control or aren't living your "best life", micro projects and micro victories are important and I keep track of them when I'm feeling low.

I've not been through anything like your relationship, but I have silly strategies because I'm single, I live alone and am away from my (emotionally close) family. I don't have any problems but when I get lonely or feel I am "missing something", I focus on the gym and actually give myself a gold star on the calendar when I work out. I write down when I've done something different or fun (new restaurant, saw a film, been invited out, etc.) and sometimes I'll email a friend I've not spoken to in a while (not to vent but to say hello and find out their news, and cheerful replies are always nice to receive).

You just have to take it day by day and keep plugging away at the things that make you feel stronger and happier. Again, you deserve to be happy.

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