How do I talk to my mother?

[SkaPunkPrincess]

ok, so il try not to ramble and keep things simple. Il also try paragraph but I find formatting a bit difficult on this app.

Two weeks ago now I fell out with my mum.
The fallout was over her not babysitting for me whilst I did a few hours overtime one morning but she lied about it. She told me she was busy then contacted me the day before to see if I was in for a visit in the middle of the time I could have been working.
I'm ashamed to say I lost it a bit and said something unkind and told her to contact me when she was going to be less selfish.

This particular incident is simply a red herring for bigger issues.

When I was 13 my dad had an affair. She chucked him out for 6 months during which time she spent most of her time drunk and neglecting me and my younger brother. Luckily I was a capable young girl and looked after all of us cooking and keeping on top of the washing ect. I had counselling through school during this time as a went a bit nuts and became badly behaved at school.

She took him back. Over the next 10 years they were both emotionally and my mother occasionally physically abusive towards me. My dad is an alcoholic and used to call me some awful things when he was drunk and she used to sit there and smirk.
I was an arsey teenager but my natural instinct has always been to fight back and be resilient so I feel that I gave back as good as I got.

(since I moved out at 18, mine and my dad's relationship has been a much much healthier one- especially now he is drinking less and we were always close when I was a small child)

After these 10 years past he did it again. This time Mum divorced my Dad. They lived together for another two years before mum put the house up for sale and as soon as that happened Dad over out.
Mum bought a new house and moved in but has never moved on in the 8 years since she divorced my Dad.
I feel that she resents my good marriage and home life and that I still have a relationship with my dad.
She has put on more and more weight to the point she is now having mobility issues because of it and she makes nasty comments constantly towards me (DH had to point this out as I must be so used to it I don't really notice)

She has issue with the fact I no longer speak to my Brother. He was physically abusive when we were young and has always had anger and control issues. (threatened to get DH killed when we first met for example as he considered my first husband - who I had been divorced from for a year his 'mate')
I cut independant contact with him when he attacked me and broke my laptop when I was 6 months pregnant with DC1. I then went completely NC with him when he asked my 2.5 year old DC1 one Christmas time if he was fucking stupid. I ask my mother if she thinks it's right for me to put up with this or risk my children's safety around him whenever she starts and all she says is 'well no, but this isn't how I thought it would be'
She takes any opportunity she can to talk about what a bastard my dad is/was. She does not like the fact that my eldest DC is now spending one on one time with my Dad occasionally.
I do not want to continue to hear her badmouthing my Dad. I have had it now for almost 20 years and it is becoming extremely wearing and is resulting in me having little to no sympathy for her situation or feelings on the matter. She is becoming bitter and cold and the only people she shows any affection for are my Brother and her grandchildren (not quite so much my DC2 though as he wasn't the girl she wanted 😒)
I feel that she is depressed. She refuses to aknowledge this and won't see a Dr or therapist. She just accuses me of trying to upset her when I have mentioned this in the past.

She never goes anywhere or does anything with anyone. just work home work home over and over d spends her days sleeping at weekends I try to invite her out whenever I can but if it involves taking the bus or walking anywhere it's always an instant no. She won't even come to the park across her road with the kids because it involves walking 100m 😕.

I am just sick of walking on eggshells around her or listening to her be miserable and nasty an judgy about me and others.

I feel that she only does things for others if there is something I it for her. We are struggling money wise atm which is why I got cross when she lied about being able to watch the kids for me. She never had to make ends meet whilst juggling childcare as she was a SAHM for 13 years.

I hardly ever ask for any help with anything I am very independent and have always paid back money ect if borrowed so I don't feel like I take the piss at all.

sorry this is long and complicated and I still dont feel like iv included everything I feel or all the issues I am having with her.

Any suggestions on how to communicate all this to my mother and employ her to seek help appreciated.
I really do love and care about her but I can't do this anymore.
if tried to be factual in my post as opposed to emotional.

Thank you for reading.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

I think you have to talk to her in person, on your own

Whilst I am not excusing her behaviour I can see actually why she would be hurt at you for not supporting/taking her side - your dad was an alcoholic and cheated twice - why are you angry st your mum for this? Do you think on some level she deserved or caused it?

The not babysitting thing is annoying and upsetting - but is her health stopping her from doing these things?

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Ps maybe you could try counselling again for you? Give you the resilience to cope with her?

[SkaPunkPrincess]

rainbow her health is stopping her she says but I am angry because she has done this to herself.

I'm not angry that my dad cheated. I think she thinks I should be. It's not that I don't care but I don't feel that my dad cheated on me iyswim.

My dad was an alcoholic yes, but she never protected me from him or his outbursts. intact she seemed to actively enjoy him calling me a fucking bastard and a slut. I am angry about this too.

[NotTheFordType]

She's a total negative drain on you. Time for you to cut her out. She's made it very clear her loyalties lie with your brother, not you. She's been throwing you under the bus since childhood, she won't stop now.

Check out the Stately Homes thread in the Relationships board, plenty of people in the same boat.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

I think you have to see her as weak not evil - she couldn’t protect herself from him - never mind you. I think you are right to think though that a mother should be a mother and protect her child. But I would be exploring with a counsellor why you are angry at her and not your dad.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Ps please don’t think I’m not on your side - I am. But I think to go Nc would be to bury the issues not deal with them. By all means limit contact but surely better to work through why you feel this way and reach some sort of resolution as to your relationships with your parents. As to your brother - nc is right when you and your family are at risk of violence which you are.

[Tinselistacky]

She isn't a positive addition to your life, or to your dc if she favours one openly, no dc should have to experience that. Keep a distance and enjoy the dc and you life together.

[category12]

I don't think any method of talking to her is going to get the result you want. She is what she is. She's not going to suddenly see the light.

Tbh I think you would be better off with less contact with her.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

My friend suggested I write to her. I do want to try to make this a better relationship if I can but I know it has to be two way.

We went away last year with the boys to center parks for the weekend which was actually quite nice. But I did still end up doing all the grunt work with the kids (I know they are my children, I don't mind) whilst she just bought them stuff or let them do as they pleased on the condition of cuddles being received from them to her.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

category I have such a small family as it is. no aunts or uncles and I am already no contact with my Brother. My DC adore my mum. I just don't know what to do for the best. it is making me so sad.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

I don't think what she did on the holiday was wrong. She doesn't have to do the grunt work. I think you're mixing up what you're angry about, tbh. She was a shit mum to you, and you seem to be trying to get her to make up for it by being a better grandmother than she was a mother.

Why would she be? If she was a shit mother, she'd be a shit grandmother too.

If you want to have her in your life, you're going to have to accept that.

Out of curiosity, did you ever have it out with your dad about his behaviour towards you when you were younger, or has it just been brushed under the carpet as he no longer behaves that way? Because I really think some of your issues should be with him. You seem to be holding your mother solely responsible for what happened to you. Your father may not have cheated on you, but he left you with her when she was clearly unable to cope, and did nothing to step up and BE a father. Don't get me wrong, it's good that you have made peace with your dad, I just hope that your method of making peace with him didn't involve your laying all of the faults that were 'his' at your mother's door.

[butterfly56]

So your mother was/is a shit mother.
Your father was/is a shit father.
You want her to make up for it by babysitting your DCs a lot more often.

She now has health problems and is still working full time.
You think she should stop being ill and help you more on your terms.

No matter how much babysitting your mother does for you it will never be enough or make up for your anger that you feel towards her.

You blame her for your crap upbringing and are not ever going to let that go.
You talk about one on one time your children have with your father i.e. babysitting...so he is now the good guy because he babysits.

Some people can accept that their upbringings were dysfunctional and move on.
Others will waste so much time and energy trying to make their parents atone for their mistakes and will never let it go.
No one wins in the end.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

category I have such a small family as it is. no aunts or uncles and I am already no contact with my Brother. My DC adore my mum. I just don't know what to do for the best. it is making me so sad.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

My dad and I had it out a long time ago. like I said I gave back as good as I got when we argued. I never let him get away with it or just took it lying down so he knows my feelings on the matter.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

And I don't care if she never babysits. Though that would be nice. It's the complete disregard of the situation I am in money wise and the lack of wanting to help. In any way. Wether that be babysitting or advice or anything. She only wants to help if she gets something back out of it.

She lent me money for the deposit on our rented house for example. This was amazing as we had been given notice to leave by our previous landlord and only had half of what we needed to move already set by and would have no way of saving the rest in the two months we were given. her suggestion was that we 'work' it back instead of pay it back. Meaning I come over and clean and my husband does her diy until she considered the loan repaid. I declined and insisted we pay her back instead. She sulked about this and asked who was going to do it then? erm, you? 😠

Sorry that was a bit ranty I am feeling angry today. She has not even attempted to contact the kids in two weeks. not even through DH (could accept her not wanting to speak to me)

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I think I am holding her responsible for CONTINUING the drama. or trying to.
My dad doesn't do this, he has moved forward and he lives in the now. all my mother does is dwell in the past and it is making her bitter and horrible to be around.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

That's great that you had it out with your Dad, and that you have been able to move on from it.

Sadly, I don't think you can move on with your mum. She believes that she is the victim in all of this, and cannot see that she fucked up monumentally too when it came to her children. In her perpetual victim mode she will force you into the role of the person who is letting her down. Don't let her see herself as your victim.

Please accept this, put some distance between you, and be happy. Trying to deal with this all the time must be heartbreaking for you.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

So what do you think then, shall I suck it up and appologise for the sake of the kids and my (very elderly and lovely) grandad? Then personally just keep polite distance and occasional visits.

I really really don't want to be the one to apologise again. It always ends up being me for the sake of the peace.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Why apologise? Does she expect it?

I think you should just stay cool and detached. It's much easier to keep the peace at a distance.

Remember that she is not the mother you want her to be, and will likely never be. Give yourself the chance to mourn the mother you should have had, but never did. Then accept her for who and what she is, and put a great big barrier between you to protect yourself.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Do what she clearly has done. Pretend it didn't happen.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

It just think it would be easier for me to apologise and brush it under the carpet.
NC is not an option for me whilst my grandad is still alive and I don't want to HAVE to do that unless we end up in some kind of danger. which I really don't think we would ever be.
I just REALLY don't want to appologise. Although know it was not particualrly kind I meant what I said to her two weeks ago.
She would expect a grovelling appology as well yet still act hurt and victimised likely for some time. like a kicked dog. it's pathetic really and your right she is weak. I think this as you say is also why I am angry with her.

I'm finding it really difficult to keep up and remember previous posts on this app. sorry if I am repeating things.

[elliemillie]

My dad cheated on my mum. She was a stay at home mum. Put her career on hold to bring us up. My sister was a handful a few years after. Apart from her getting into any and every trouble under the sun that my mum had to sort out, she was very nice to my dad and horrible to my mum. My mum didn't cope very well and now my sister insists she owes her for all sorts of things. We are slightly older than she is and remember how shitty she was to my mum when she was a teenager. Someone my mum is supposed to forget and forgive all that although my sister will.not forgive any parenting mistakes she makes.

All my mum wanted was us to acknowledge that she had sacrificed a lot and what My dad hurt her. She wanted to talk about it without being judged or blamed for the situation at home. My else sister and I get this and our relationship is much better with mum.

Maybe just as you have things against your mum she also is still hurting from all the things you did when you were a teenager.

Perhaps she doesn't feel like you appreciate her babysitting. It sounds like you expect her to if you ask. That is a bit unfair I have to say.

As someone said above some people move on from toxic relationships. Some drag it out. In my family we have both and I can see how damaging it is to everyone.

I don't have any answers but maybe ask your dad to babysit. Sounds like he is the "good" parent. He is as responsible for the grandkids as your mum if there is anything like that. If you are not asking him as much as you are asking your mum but on friendlier terms with him, I don't see how that won't hurt her.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I can't ask my dad to babysit, he would have no idea what to do with my 17 month old. They wouldn't come to any harm I don't think, but he is definitely not child knowledge equipt to deal with the sole charge of a baby.

I was never horrible to my mum over the affair. I just don't want to listen to my mum go on about what a bastard my dad was. I know he was.

It's been 3 weeks now. 😕

[SkaPunkPrincess]

She has told my grandad she is working 'overtime' for the next few weeks. Fucking bitch. She isn't.
She hasn't even tried to contact the kids in 4 weeks now.

[St4rfish]

Have read your story and you have my sympathy. My mum has seen my son twice in the past 18months; he doesn’t even know who she is. But as some of the other posters have said, I have had to accept that he is not missing that much, because she is a shite mum and is consequently a shite grandmother. You might have to do the same, but will have to work through your anger first. I’ve had 20 years of my mother’s manic depression, mental health issues and alcoholism to watch and would say it’s only been in the past 5 that I have felt happier with more distance/less contact.