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feel so let down

(30 Posts)
happygolulu Sat 25-Nov-17 21:54:00

Lost my mother 4 years ago after a short but agressive battle with cancer, I nursed her in final weeks, - very tough, then my father who depended on her was diagnosed with parkinsons shortly after and I cared for him along with my brother for a year or 2 before he lost mobility completely, had a couple of long spells in hospital and we had to arrange full time care at his home. just before my mother fell ill I started my own business, I'm a single mum and during my parents illnesses, I supported my DS through a degree (which was difficult for him beloved gps so ill) and DD through GCSE's onto futher ed. Toughest and most exhausting 4 years of my life, I broke down with exhaustion Jan 2015, spent a weekend in bed sleeping but pretty much got up the following Monday to get on with running my business, my home and supporting my family. My partner was living with me, in the home that I owned. Long story short, I have had a the first good year in five years. My business going from strength to strength. I was really feeling recovered from the loss of mum and coming to terms with dads' parkinsons. My DS had gone and spent some happy time in Australia after his degree and returned this year. I said to my DP, that this year on my mum's 4th anniversary, instead of feeling sad, I am going to look forward. I told him I had put away enough money to put in a new kitchen and office for us at home and wouldn't it be lovely to have both our families here for xmas, and with DS home from Australia. DP has commitment issues however. His mother walked out on him at 15 (she said his dad was difficult to live with). As a result DP doesn't believe in marriage, won't get married, despite that it was my hope to marry whilst my father still alive. Sometimes when I have looked forward to doing things, my partner has talked me out of them and disappointed me with his attitude. When I told him about doing the kitchen he turned on me and said what the f do I know about doing kitchens. I said look, I own the house, you don't want to pay to buy into it, you have to let me invest in my home to keep it maintained and you ought to let me at least choose the kitchen style and colour I want and yes of course I will involve you in the final planning and installation. DP just ranted at me that I haven't got a f-ing clue and really put me down. We ended up not speaking at home and I felt devastated as well as anxious. I begged him to come on board and be supportive, that I was doing this for all of us, but he was spiteful and bitter towards me. In the end he said to me, its your house, your money, so you sort it, I want nothing to do with it. In the end we had to separate as I had to commence work in order to be ready for xmas in time and he refused to acknowledge or help. I was investing £10k of my hard earned money for 'us'. As I own the house, my partner has always let me pay for the big stuff. New bathroom, carpets, sofas, curtains, anything of significant cost. He would pay for paint and small stuff but never the big stuff, that was always down to me, and with 2 kids to support also. I have now invested in this new kitchen and he has basically just buggered off, gone to live with his parents who are now helping him to rent a flat. - the family I was going to host for xmas. I feel so let down I do not know how to deal with this. I was in such a good place for the first time in four years after such a painful time. I feel like I have been punched in the chest and I cannot get up off the floor. I literally feel floored. I wake up in the morning, see my DP is not here and I can't believe what he has done to me. On top of this, my daughter's school friend committed suicide on my mother's anniversary recently, so we have had another trauma to deal with and just no support from DP at all. My DS DD and I are taking care of each other but this is tough. Any advice to help me deal with this much appreciated.

Nomoretears56 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:01:14

Sweetheart I can't begin to imagine how you feel but be kind to yourself. It's your house, you do what pleases you, if you want a new kitchen have a new kitchen. Leave him to get on with his life and tbh he sounds like a knob. You deserve better, I've always said "no man is better than the wrong man". Be strong for you and your kids, have a wine, have a bath, have a good night's sleep, everything will get easier winecakeflowers

Liz38 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:03:44

Don't want to read and run but I don't know what I can offer but sympathy. I'm not surprised you feel let down. It's so hard to stay strong all the time flowers

Spellcheck Sat 25-Nov-17 22:06:18

You are amazing. He is not. He knows this. He doesn't like it, and seizes 'power' by pissing off. Don't let him get to you. You've faced far worse, and will get through this. Honestly!
My advice is to be grateful for dodging the bullet. Enjoy the lovely kitchen with your loving kids, grow the business further. You don't need him. You are amazing xxx

Josuk Sat 25-Nov-17 22:06:39

OP - you are amazingly strong. It comes through in the way you write about yourself and what you went through and achieved. Which tells me that, despite everything, and how low you are feeling - you’ll be Ok in the end.

The person you are referring to as ‘DP’ is certainly is not a ‘partner’ to you. And neither is ‘dear’.
Aversion to marriage is not a reason to freeload for years and to not support you as you went through the difficult times. And not recognise your achievements, not feel happy for you, not to share your joy.

He went back to his parents? They are ‘helping’ him to rent a flat?????
So - he is sponging off his parents now? Good riddance.
If he were in his 20s - i’d say - maybe there is still hope for him. But I have a feeling is not. And, hence, there is no hope.

I know you feel lonely now. But - it looks like things are, finally looking up for you - with business and life in general. Getting rid of him - will, hopefully, be a blessing. And you might meet someone who CAN be a real partner.

Annelind Sat 25-Nov-17 22:13:22

Your "D" P sounds like a spoilt child. You'll be much happier without this freeloading loser in your life. I hope you realise this soon, once the initial shock has worn off flowers

Worriedobsessive Sat 25-Nov-17 22:17:49

You just dodged a huge bullet, and it sounds like he was only happy when you were down, with your hands full. What a tosser. It’s hard but good riddance!

RandomMess Sat 25-Nov-17 22:28:44

We'll ensure he is an ex, keep your DC close and move forward one day at a time thanksthanksthanks you are an amazing warrior.

Squeegle Sat 25-Nov-17 22:34:30

I’m sorry he has turned out to be so weak, heartless and ultimately disrespectful to you. I have a feeling this won’t have been the first time, but I suspect you have previously had other fish to fry. He doesn’t sound like a supportive person AT ALL.

MadeForThis Sat 25-Nov-17 22:35:59

You sound like you have survived a lot and you will survive this.

Be glad that you didn't marry as he could take half your house.

He doesn't sound like he is worth your time or worry. Spend a great Christmas with your Ds and DD. Let him stay away in his rented flat. He doesn't sound like he is any big loss.

I know it will be hard initially but what did you really gain from being with him?

Lesley1980 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:38:35

Look at how strong you are & what you have achieved despite everything that has been thrown at you. You are stronger than you think. He is trying to drag you down. Don't let him. Have your family Christmas with your children & get on with making your life a success.

Ellie56 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:51:50

You sound like a very strong person OP. It may not feel like it now but things will get better. flowers

Enjoy your new kitchen and growing your business.

You don't need this knobhead in your life. You deserve better.

rainbowlou Sun 26-Nov-17 10:00:08

You are amazing and well rid.
Enjoy your new kitchen in your own home with your lovely children.
I have a feeling it will turn out to be one of the loveliest christmas days you’ve had flowers

NotTheFordType Sun 26-Nov-17 10:17:45

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it sounds like you're well shot of this prat.

How long had you been together? I take it he's not the DC's father. It sounds like he feels very threatened by your success and strength and prefers it when you're vulnerable. My exH was like this. We got together when I was very low and needy, and when I got stronger he resented that - he couldn't conceive of a reality where a strong woman would want him. It was very sad but ultimately I had to accept that it was down to his lack of self-esteem. I couldn't fix him, because he didn't agree that there was anything to be fixed. It was just I'd become a massive bitch, apparently 🙄

Barbaro Sun 26-Nov-17 10:28:14

All that has happened here is that you've gotten rid of a heavy weight that you have been supporting and carrying round with nothing in return. You don't need him and never will. Don't take him back either he doesn't deserve you.

Helena17 Sun 26-Nov-17 10:33:32

You deserve someone better. someone who will cherish and value you for who you are. I have no words for your pain but I hope you get better soon. hugs!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 26-Nov-17 10:54:23

Whilst it obviously doesn't feel like it now you are well rid of him.
Enjoy your new kitchen & fuck him.

debbs77 Sun 26-Nov-17 11:26:29

I echo what everyone else has said. You've suffered loss, brought up children alone, and simply put, been amazing.

NO ONE gets to put you down and make you feel bad. He is jealous and insecure. Kick him to the curb. You don't need him

munkynutts Sun 26-Nov-17 11:32:00

You sound very impressive. Look at everything you have handled, what you do for others and for your home, your accomplishments.
And look at your partner - needing his family to help him find somewhere to rent, and too scared to commit.

I suspect deepdown he doesnt feel man enough for you. He possibly has an inferiority complex which is expressing itself as rage.

Thats not your problem. You take care of yourself as you have taken care of others.

Westworld Sun 26-Nov-17 11:43:25

It feels like the end of the world now - but it sounds like this is the best thing ever that could happen. He sounds like a spoilt, ungrateful brat.
Please look after yourself and don't take him back. You are much better off without.
You sound amazingly strong.
Enjoy your Christmas with your Dd and Ds and look forward to your future- onwards and upwards.
P.S. "Commitment Issues" is total bullshit - it's his get out clause.

Cricrichan Sun 26-Nov-17 11:48:58

So the pathetic man child needs his parents help to rent a flat?

What was the problem with a new kitchen and office? Is he jealous of your accomplishments? Does he work?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 26-Nov-17 14:46:38

OP you have been through so much already and came through the other side. Him walking is nothing to what you have been through already!! Totally his loss! Onwards and upwards for you and you DC!

It always makes me think that those people who say they won’t get married because their parents divorced, are just using that as an excuse.

happygolulu Sun 26-Nov-17 15:14:27

He works yes but not the hours I have been. We're both self employed but he'd always happily spend days or half days on the golf course and never worry about saving money or increasing his contribution to the home. He wasn't paying his VAT on time either and HMRC were sending us debt collection letters which really stressed me as I was his accountant! He paid me the same rent for 3 years and when I asked for more as the bills had gone up, he said he wanted to see evidence of the bills. Even the sky bill went from 25 on an offer to 105 (for all the sport he enjoyed) and he didn't give me even half of the difference even though I hardly watched TV. He was to everyone such a nice friendly guy that it breaks my heart I had such a battle getting him to take responsibility without him feeling like my child. He would never make the bed, never pick his clothes off the floor, never get rid of his cigarette butts, never put the rubbish out... without me asking 2, 3 4 5 times... And then he said we had silly arguments - I wonder why? I miss the nice things about him, like walking the dog on a Sunday afternoon. Having had so much loss myself, I don't feel as strong as I once did to deal with this break up.

RandomMess Sun 26-Nov-17 15:19:19

He has treated you badly, that's pretty financially abusive tbh sad you are worth so much more!!

Duckaluck Sun 26-Nov-17 15:23:18

Why do you value yourself so low that you are willing to accept this person in your life. From what you have written there’s nothing to miss. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to be truly happy after all these years. Let it go and be happy.

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