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Have you had a midlife crisis?

(244 Posts)
Mylaststraw Sat 25-Nov-17 15:15:24

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

PoorYorick Sat 25-Nov-17 15:25:01

Perhaps it would help to make a list of what is going well and what is going badly. I'm not a very level headed person and I have often had times when I think my entire life is in crisis, but when I write it down I realise it is only actually one area of life that's troubling me, and often just one area within that.

For example, I recently thought my entire life was a total failure and saw no way of improving it. On writing it all down, I realised that actually most things were ok, it was just work. And within work, it was actually just one person. But I had catastrophised beyond any reasonable level and somehow convinced myself that everything, including my marriage, was in jeopardy, because I'm an idiot.

Obviously that's not always going to be the case and I have had times when I was genuinely in a lot of crises, but it can be a useful exercise. It also helps you to see what you can change.

It is important to remember that you do always have a choice.

doolaadoo Sat 25-Nov-17 15:26:27

I'm smack bang in the middle of it too, I think. Not a comfortable place, I'm questioning everything, career, marriage, the lot.
Be interesting to see what responses you get.
Sending a big mid life crisis kind of hug!

Mylaststraw Sat 25-Nov-17 15:34:50

Hugs back at you doolaadoo. smile
Probably a good exercise pooryorick, although everything was fine before certain revelations re dh came to light, so I'm pretty sure it all stems from that...

PoorYorick Sat 25-Nov-17 15:48:14

Obviously you dont have to go into any detail that you don't want to discuss. But whatever these revelations are, they're unlikely to reflect on you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they do and therefore everything else about you must be wrong.

spankhurst Sat 25-Nov-17 15:51:35

Yes but I’m quite liking it. I think it’s good not to plod along forever thinking and feeling the same way.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Sat 25-Nov-17 16:04:16

Ah...you're not going to like my answer. Sorry.

2015 and 2016 was my midlife crisis. I questioned everything. I drove home from work crying every day because I didn't want to go home. I had good reasons for it, but still.

My husband wasn't an ogre or cheated, but we had no more intimacy and I couldn't see my life in the future with him. Career was in the pan, etc.

I almost cheated. Thank God I didn't.

In Jan 2017 I was in a life changing car accident. My 'awful' husband came through for me. Showed me everything I thought he wouldn't do if I was 'hit by bus' one day. My mid life crisis is over and I appreciate him again. But then. . He was never a bad guy to begin with.

Unless you're in an abusive relationship or super, super unhappy... try to remember the good in him

Xx

GerardButlersBeard Sat 25-Nov-17 16:34:39

Yes I have and still am. In some ways it has been beneficial. I have become fit from going to the gym and let my hair grow longer. However, other aspects have been awful. I was just feeling down just now and saw this thread. I am just so alone really apart from work and the gym classes. I think relationships can go stale over a long time and in particular when there is a lack of family support and you cannot spend time alone. This is where the doubts set in and a yearning for recognition of yourself as an still attractive person. Then there is the career aspects especially if you have taken time out for children. There are so many things that affect us, so it's no surprising some of us go a bit loopy!

whoareyoukidding Sat 25-Nov-17 16:50:46

Yes I did. Very painful but needed to happen I suppose. I effected major changes in my life and now I'm really glad I made those changes. I have never been a brave person though and it did put me through a lot of pain at the time.

MoreProseccoNow Sat 25-Nov-17 16:51:48

I'm mid-40's & it's a difficult stage. Like you, OP, I'm looking back over my life & wondering "what the hell was I thinking". I've messed up in my poor choices of men, but am lucky to have a good supportive family & network of friends. 2 lovely children & a reasonable career.

Many relationships are breaking down or going through bad patches. Lots of conflicting demands between work, children, ageing parents, finances, redundancy.

I don't think my relationship will survive & I don't think I want to save it.

I'm finding my 40's to be a grim decade in many ways.

GerardButlersBeard Sat 25-Nov-17 17:02:45

I find myself questioning things all the time. I don't have a support network, so it's just me giving myself answers. My relationship is non sexual now. It used to be great but financial issues and having to sell home has killed it off. It was his fault not mine and I feel resentful. He has got large and I don't find that attractive. Although, I could look past that if other aspects were ok. I sound terrible.

derxa Sat 25-Nov-17 17:04:38

I did and it was very painful. I won't go into detail. The thing that jolted me back into reality was a cancer diagnosis. As a pp said it showed me how wonderful my DH and DSs were as they supported me 100%.

CheggarsPlaysPlop Sat 25-Nov-17 17:23:20

I am having one now. It's like I have suddenly hit mid 40's when yesterday it seemed like I was still 25. Made two horrendous mistakes in the two fathers of my children and need to get out of the second one, pronto, but can't. Changed career, Going grey. Started fancying women - it's crazy!

YoshimiBigfuckingsigh Sat 25-Nov-17 18:29:19

Absolutely. Just before I hit 40 we relocated, left friends behind, then not long after I ended my marriage. After a bit of a mental health crisis i have started over completely, including trying to get a new career going. I've recently had moments of thinking wtf have I done! But sometimes it also feels exciting. I (mostly) see it as finding the courage to make necessary changes.

offside Sat 25-Nov-17 18:58:39

Yes I have, well, I was in my 20s but I still refer to it as my mid life crisis.

My relationship was rubbish, we’d been together 7 years and I felt like I was carrying him, he didn’t work and I worked 2 jobs 7 days a week, struggling to get by, had a house but regularly went in arrears with the mortgage, lived away from family, lost touch with all of my friends, my main job wasn’t working out and I really wasn’t enjoying it and I remember asking myself “is this it for the rest of my life?”

It was about a week after my birthday and I told him to leave, I went through some shit times in the immediate aftermath, had to move back home, changed job but with a serious pay cut, lots of changes!

8 years on and life couldn’t be better! Married to the man of my dreams, a beautiful DD, a career I love and I don’t regret anything, not even the hard times, not the times with my ex, because I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am and I wouldn’t have what I have and appreciate life the way I do if I hadn’t have gone through it.

I know this is very different to having been in a relationship for decades with children, but sometimes you’ve got to take the risk to get what you want, that doesn’t necessarily mean leave your DH, but find the route cause of your unhappiness and fix it as best you can, whatever it takes.

CoyoteCafe Sat 25-Nov-17 19:02:49

I'm there now. So far, I've tackled my weight problem, fitness level, and diet as that part was more clear cut than the rest of my life.

As far as everything else, I'll be reading others' comments. I don't know what to do about the rest of it. Vaguely unhappy, career didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Kids are now grown and independent. DH has both strengths and weaknesses.

I have this sense of, "so this is it?" I think the career failure is the part that bothers me the most. And I'm 52. It seems over. Like those were my choices and I blew it. But nothing is really wrong; my DH makes plenty of money so I'm fine, but I didn't want to be married to someone successful; I wanted to BE someone successful.

YoshimiBigfuckingsigh Sat 25-Nov-17 19:19:45

CoyoteCafe I don't know if this makes sense.... But can you redefine what being successful is? I left a career I loved before DC and for various reasons when I returned I couldn't make it work.

I'll probably never earn as much as I did in my old job, or do something with the same prestige, but ive found a retraining path that has the potential to be very fulfilling. Im certainly enjoying the challenge of getting it going.

I wonder if there might be something that would work for you, maybe even voluntary alongside your day job.

Well done on the fitness etc. I need to tackle that.

JustWonderingZ Sat 25-Nov-17 19:32:25

Yep, a midlife crisis. It is when the treadmill of having/raising children, building a home, building a career, doing a job etc slows down and you have a chance for the first time in years to look about at what your life has become. Typical thoughts/complaints: my life has little/no excitement, my spouse does not notice me/appreciate me, I have lost who I am, I do not like who I am now, I want to go back to who I used to be, young, beautiful and carefree etc. It is a little earthquake and some families break up, but some come out stronger once you have worked out the answers to your questions and your identity going forward. It is a crisis point, but where there is a crisis, there is an opportunity flowers

Lozzie12 Sat 25-Nov-17 19:33:53

I'm so glad to see this thread, I'm mid 40's and in a similar position. Life just feels so directionless at the moment. There's some lovely advice / experiences on here.

TopOfTheCliff Sat 25-Nov-17 19:39:18

I left my H the week after my big birthday. I had been behaving atrociously for over a year, had an affair, taken up high adrenaline sports and been utterly vile to H. I went to counselling to find out why and understand what was happening. We had a year of joint counselling which made things much worse and he was revealed as a violent control freak. So I ran away! I spent a year alone getting over it and then met a wonderful man who I am happily married to and have never been happier.
Yes I feel guilty about the mess I made and the people I hurt including H but it was a matter of survival.

Misty9 Sat 25-Nov-17 19:44:55

Yep, I think this describes how I’m feeling too. Nearly 37 and e questioning everything from career and kids to marriage. The daily grind of small children and keeping a house going is taking its toll and I find myself asking “is this it?”. I feel like I’m always hurrying the kids or myself through the day - but towards what?! Little excitement in my life is definitely one of my complaints, but often too tired to do much about it.

Just back from a night away with dh and it has helped. Only a few hours away from the kids and I could have used more but he couldn’t wait to see them again!

MoreProseccoNow Sat 25-Nov-17 19:47:52

Coyote - I can completely relate when you talk about having "blown my choices".

The thing that is most important to me (having a good marriage) is the thing I've done most badly at. I am kicking myself for the choices I have made; I wish I'd set the bar higher with men. All the shitty ones get under if it's too low.

And it just seems so overwhelming to change it - I will have to sell the house, moves kids' schools, live with no support at all from family. And I'm poverty.

I'm trying to concentrate on my friends, family etc. I've started running again as an outlet.** And have booked some counselling for myself.

Racmactac Sat 25-Nov-17 19:53:54

I can really relate to this. I'm 40 and keep looking back at the horrendous mistakes I've made in my life. My marriage really but other things as well.

I'm terrified of making mistakes in the future. I feel very lonely, I don't have great friendships, I've just ended long term relationship and fell out with my Mum over a year ago.

I need to make some changes but actually don't know what or how

TheFallenMadonna Sat 25-Nov-17 20:00:51

I did. I left a senior leadership job in a lovely school for a classroom teacher job in Alternative Provision (PRU). I also went down to 0.8. Everyone (except my lovely DH) thought I was crazy. But a year and a half in, I am so much happier both professionally and personally, the hmm faces are less frequent.

babycow38 Sat 25-Nov-17 20:06:26

47 here and think I am finally over the worst, it's a definite thing though, kids late teens, seeing there choices, opportunities that are so exciting and you have stayed static whilst you have given them that. My main MLC was staying in the same shite town I was born in, number 2 in the worst places to live🙄 I just want to move my life, my hubby, my kids to a beautiful place by the coast and restart our life, reality is we are stuck here because of house in neg equity, job ties my OH to this area, he isn't brave enough to upsticks and all the while I feel like is this it? Born and die in a shite place when my kids are getting out, really messess with my head but I just try to be thankful and grateful for what I have got, lots of people are far worse so why do we still feel in crisis in our late forties?

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