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Relationships

DP not happy about financial setup

105 replies

fluffycuddlez · 25/11/2017 07:04

We were coming back from a lovely day out last night and he made a remark about how it's too bad he's broke and it'll be a while till we can do this again. After talking about it a bit more it emerged he thinks that since I earn more than him I could also contribute more to days out, vacations etc.

He lives in my house (bought years before we met) and pays no rent or mortgage, we split the bills. Not married and no children. We're both self-employed in the same field but I make several times more than him, depending on the month. We've been together for almost 6 years (living together for 5ish) and we've always gone 50-50 on everything (although I do go over 50% often, unlike him). Not married and no children.

Am I being unkind here? Should I be spending accordingly to what I make instead of just half? He's never said anything before and I always thought our setup was more than fair but now I don't know...

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/11/2017 07:07

Why is it fair for your long term DP to be broke?

MyOtherProfile · 25/11/2017 07:09

001 he already lives rent free with the OP. Perhaps he needs to focus on earning more.

pog100 · 25/11/2017 07:09

Of course it's fair. I can't see how any self respecting person could feel OK about living rent free and still expect subsidies. What planet is he on?

Runningissimple · 25/11/2017 07:11

Sounds fair to me. More than fair if he lives rent free.

00100001 · 25/11/2017 07:11

So, you'd all be perfectly happy to have no money at the end of the month, whilst your long term partner has plenty? Confused

MonaChopsis · 25/11/2017 07:11

Is your house mortgage-free, or do you pay all these mortgage?

If is the former, I think you are being a little unfair... If it's the latter, he is.

acornsandnuts · 25/11/2017 07:12

Could you both contribute the same percentage each month into a social fund to use when needed.

So say you both put 10% in, you would be contributing more but you both would be spending a fair cut if your monthly income on social events and days out.

Longdistance · 25/11/2017 07:12

I’d like to know what else he spends his money on, if he pays no rent/mortgage?

MyOtherProfile · 25/11/2017 07:12

001 she's already subsidising him by paying all the rent / mortgage. How much more should she sub him?
They do the same job but she earns masses more. Clearly he has the potential to earn more too.

00100001 · 25/11/2017 07:18

OK. Interesting.

I'm intrigued, would it make any difference if they were married?


Would it be OK, for example, if DP was earning (let's say) £100k, and OP £20k, and OP was broke by the end of the month, and DP turned around and said "suck it up, you live tent free in my house?"

confusedlittleone · 25/11/2017 07:18

He needs to start paying rent as well. his finances are his own business don't start adding more when he should actually be paying more money to you

Sofabitch · 25/11/2017 07:19

It depends. Why is he earning less. Has he been in the field less time and will get to equal earnings eventually?

When you say you split the bills. Does that include the mortgage?

If you say he earns less is there a reason...health part time etc?

How much money does he have left after bills etc.

You aren't married so its slightly different. In a marrage i think all monet shoukd be equally shared.

I you got pregnant and wanted maternity leave would you expect him to fund you?

Toprate · 25/11/2017 07:19

There's the complete opposite of this thread on aibu where the op is the one who doesnt pay rent and is complaining about going 50:50 on everything.

00100001 · 25/11/2017 07:20

It's not clear, is the house paid for or on a mortgage?

QueenAmongstMen · 25/11/2017 07:22

It's very interesting that there is an almost exactly similar post in AIBU except ty roles are reversed: the male earns the most and she lives mortgage free in his home.

The majority of the posters imply the high earner is in the wrong, he's not very generous, they wouldn't be with him, of course he should pay more towards activities and meals out etc etc

It fascinates me how different the responses are in threads like this dependent on which sex is in which role.

Sofabitch · 25/11/2017 07:23

I think there comes a point in a relationship where you need to agree to be a couple.

I'd hate to be in a very unbalanced finacial relationship. 50:50 is perfectly fair and fine for a casual relationship. But anything more needs to be respectful to both partners. So the high earner doesnt feel they are being taken the piss out of and the low earner doesnt start to resent the high earner or feel unequal.

Sofabitch · 25/11/2017 07:25

My answer would be the same regardless of gender.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 25/11/2017 07:25

This is exactly the same as a thread I've posted on today but the sexes are reversed. Hmm

I think you should be a bit more generous really.

Jenala · 25/11/2017 07:25

Queen I was thinking the exact same thing.

NaughtyRed82 · 25/11/2017 07:27

Just read another thread like this but the mans earning more, his house and woman thinks he said pay more than 50-50 for treats etc Hmm

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 25/11/2017 07:31

YABU, imagine if there was a thread where the wife earns very little, the husband earns a lot. Imagine the wife goes without new things but the husband splashed out on himself all the time. It’s not as simple as saying, well she can get a better job. Maybe she’s not qualified, maybe she’s not as confident, if everyone could just “go out and earn more” they would!
If you love your partner OP, if you really are a team, you will see it from his point of view. Work out the bills on percentage of wages because they way you are doing it is going to breed resentment which isn’t conducive to a long, happy relationship.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 25/11/2017 07:31

Naughty but the other thread was first before this one.

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RebeccaWrongDaily · 25/11/2017 07:33

for me it would depend on how committed i was (6 years implies some degree of commitment? but no marriage ?? why is that (if that's what you're after?)

it would also depend on why he earned so much less and what he was doing to address earning disparity? If he's working less then that's fine, as long as he then doesn't start bitching about the money he's not making- if this is his 'limit' with the skills he has then there's not a lot you can do about it is there?

I personally wouldn't want to be living the high life while my partner was on his arse- and wouldn't expect him to be either.I also wouldn't be contributing to a mortgage that I had no stake in and no guarantee of getting one.

fluffycuddlez · 25/11/2017 07:35

Sorry I don't know how to quote and reply on here.

He's not always broke, he's had some unexpected bills lately but otherwise he's fine. He just doesn't make near enough to always go on vacations or nice restaurants etc that I can easily afford.

House is a mortgage, he's never paid a cent into it, the only thing he pays is half the bills. He can't really make more money than he already does, while we do work in the same field my sub-section is much more niche and tougher to make money from, very few manage to. He tried for a few years and gave up eventually. What he does is far less lucrative but safer and more stable .

He also said that if he was making my kind of money he wouldn't think twice about treating me all the time. Sad

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 25/11/2017 07:39

But you are treating him- he has no housing costs! He sounds like a cocklodger. I think his business cannot be viable.

It's easy for him to say he would treat you. Guilt trip right there.

Have you pointed out that you do support him by subsidising his living costs?

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