Not sure what to do

[terrified101]

Just hoping someone is there and listening. I can't give too much away because it's potentially outing.

Husband has anger issues. He dealt with a very stressful situation today involving his extended family - something that's caused conflict between us in the past. It's very complicated and difficult.

He has taken his anger out on me in the past - usually verbally. Tonight in a rage he threw a cushion at my face. Yes, a cushion - but hard enough to leave a red mark on my face. We have four lovely kids. Thankfully they were all in bed asleep.

I just need someone to hold my hand. Am sitting in a dark room alone knowing a huge line has been crossed....

[VelvetKK]

I'm sorry to hear that. Has he calmed down now and do you feel safe enough to be there just now?

Is he aware of his anger issues if you don't mind me asking?

[terrified101]

I know it's not ok. I just don't know what to do. We used to be so great together. The kids are very happy. Breaking up would destroy them.

[terrified101]

He's gone to bed. It sickened me but I even went to him just now to try to make sense of it. He's apologised but begrudgingly.

[terrified101]

I have no immediate family myself (apart from kids - parents and very sadly my one sibling are dead). Lots of amazing friends who think we are the most wonderful couple. If only they knew. I feel so ashamed.

[terrified101]

Velvet - he's aware of anger issues and has apologised, now and in the past. We probably need to go to therapy. I just need someone to listen right now because I'm alone and reeling

[VelvetKK]

I think it's probably for the best that he sleeps on it anyway in case he makes matters even worse with saying something in anger.

I really feel for you as it's obvious that a line has been crossed and people will be here so to tell you to leave him, but it doesn't always feel that easy. Would you both consider talking to a counsellor if there is something there to salvage for you both? He needs to know his behaviour has been completely unacceptable though and a genuine apology is needed, not a grudged apology.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Are you in a position to issue an ultimatum? He gets professional help and you attend marriage counselling together or you split up.

Overwise just make your own plans to split up now.

[VelvetKK]

Cross post there, at least he recognises the issues and therapy is a consideration

Virtual hand hold

[terrified101]

Thank you.
I know it's not okay. I know if this were one of my daughters in 30 years I would be horrified and telling them to leave. But it'S not that easy. We have had a lot of stress over the past year (bereavement, house move, unemployment, illness)...I'm better years this hasn't been an issue. Not so much anyway.

[terrified101]

Thanks for the handhold and advice. Would be so difficult to leave now for so many reasons - added to which it's really one issue in our lives that affects him like this.

[terrified101]

But this issue ain't going away, and nor is his temper, unless he gets help.

[terrified101]

I was horrified and so was he but he actually said - 'this isn't working. Maybe there's not enough any more.' He's never said that before.

[Apileofballyhoo]

It sounds to me like you badly need help. Both of you. If he's willing that's good. It's there any other abusive behaviour? Are you waking on eggshells?

My DF was explosive and I wish my mother had left him instead of being afraid of him. He was also far more reasonable than he acted and she allowed him to act, in that she let him get away with being unreasonable because she wouldn't stand up to him or for us, because she was afraid of him. Four children - we all have made poor choices as adults and all have MH issues.

[terrified101]

Thanks ballyhoo. I don't walk on eggshells. If he behaves like a shit I let him know about it. But I don't shout, swear or throw things at him...this is what he does to me.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I can't imagine what the issue is involving his family that has the two of you in conflict. DH has a difficult family, and that caused conflict between us in the early years, but 10 years on we are our own family and it's very much us and them - I'd be more likely to stick up for his family now if he was on a rant about them!

I suppose I'm wondering why it seperates the two of you rather than uniting you.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I'm very glad you don't walk on eggshells! And you're able to let him know when he's being unreasonable. That's all good.

[terrified101]

Thanks. Issue in short is his parents hate me - they have been abusive towards me and DH in the past. I am NC with them, and don't want their toxic influence on our kids who have picked up on this in the past. DH has been NC with them and has attempted to put us first but as they become elderly he is struggling and trying to force me to forgive them and allow them in our kids' lives.

[terrified101]

He is trying to force an issue and not respecting my feelings and taking all his anger about them onto me. It's not ok.

[terrified101]

He just came downstairs and said 'I'm sorry I'm so fucked up' and tried to hug me. He is very fucked up about it all. But that doesn't excuse taking it out on me, throwing things etc. I know this and don't know how we move forward.

[terrified101]

We have been together a long time ballyhoo. But these issues with his parents have become worse.

[HelenaHB]

Hi terrified

I'm not sure how throwing a cushion at you could leave a red mark - so I'm assuming it's more that he hit you with a cushion - deliberately swung it at your face, is that right?

I see how you're struggling - you seem to be trying to rationalise it but at the same time you keep repeating that you know it's not okay - and you're right, it's not okay. The fact that he only apologized begrudgingly speaks volumes.

I just want to validate you and say yes, he's crossed the line into abuse. For your own sake please keep repeating that to yourself.

Can you call one of those close friends of yours? I think you really need to talk to someone in real life. You have no reason to feel ashamed.

[HelenaHB]

He should be saying he's so sorry he hit you, not just that he is fucked up. That's taking the responsibility off himself.

I'm just very angry for you right now.

[terrified101]

Thank you so much.
I just can't bring myself to call a friend. It's late and they would be completely horrified by all this.

[HeddaGarbled]

He needs to get some counselling. Not couples counselling. He needs help to deal with his toxic parents and his anger.

I think this needs to be a condition of you staying in the marriage.

Your children will not be "destroyed". They will be unhappy, of course they will, but there are things you can do to ameliorate that, and they will survive and be happy again in time.

[terrified101]

Yes actually he did swing the cushion at my face, so it was actually like he hit me with it.

I can't believe I am typing this.