Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Oh sh**balls(49 Posts)
As you may know from my previous threads, I am due to move out of my partner's house (been living together 4.5 years) on 1st December. I had (Still have) no idea how to tell him this. It comes following years of feeling under appreciated, and seemingly suffering EA (which I have now discussed with my GP).
On Tuesday we had an enormous row - I had a new PAYG SIM card arrive at the house, I had inadvertently signed up for one to enter a competition (I am already a user of the same network on contract, so have no use for it). I chucked it out and thought no more of it. My DP on the other hand thought it was a clear sign that something was going on, that I wanted to talk to other people without him knowing. Of course this is not the case, my mind is concentrating on million and one other things, I've never had a huge interest in flirting and certainly wouldn't do so now.
Anyway, we argued in to the night, I packed all my stuff up, was ready to leave, he talked me out of it. I took the next day off as I'd slept less than two hours. That day seemed a little tense, but Ok. My DP said he hadn't accused me of cheating, I said he had implied it, so we ignored it.
Then yesterday morning he started again, just as I got up. He then got up at the same time (unusual) and started work. I left, and text him saying I'd get a hotel and move stuff to my mums at the weekend (she's 150 miles away). It went on like that all day, he called the phone network operator and asked how I got the SIM, they told him I registered and he got mad (I understand this, but I would take him at his word if it was the other way around), then last night it's almost like he's trying to convince me to stay, it's where I am meant to be, my life has improved since I've been here (health and work, yes), he loves me and is always there for me, and today has asked if we can go to a Christmas fair next week.
I am lost. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. Of course I love him, my heart is screaming out to stay, but my head knows what it's been like and will continue to be like. He said he'd be devastated if I left, but that if it was to move down to my family he could try and be happy for me. I'd be staying in the same county as I am now, so not near my family..
What do I do? How do I do this? How do I leave?
Help, I am really struggling. I don't want to hurt him.
You already know the right decision
Move out, move on. He’s trying to manipulate you in to staying.
I haven't read your previous threads but this sounds like It could escalate quite quickly. If you feel it is over then maybe leaving asap could be better. Is staying in a hotel or at mum's a realistic possibility? What Is in place for 1st December? I know it's only a week but can you manage at mum's until that comes round?
This is your third thread in a month about this, always telling us you're going to be leaving on Dec 1st.
People started typing in very large capital letters on your second thread where you were having yet another wobble to re-read your first thread. Shall we all advise that again?
Because none of us have changed our opinion about him or the advice we have already given you twice.
Which is GET THE FUCK OUT. Don't give him any more head space and if he's hurt, sorry, but he's brought it on himself and you need to look after yourself.
I don't want to hurt him.
It's him or you, love.
He will never believe you. He will always distrust you and the only way you get off the hook is if someone outside of your relationship verifies your innocence in whatever he's decided you've done.
What will you do when he accuses you of something that cannot be proven? Your head knows you need to leave him. It will take your heart a while to catch up because right now it's breaking because you think you see the potential in him. But that's not potential. It's a carefully constructed veneer to hide who he is.
Follow your head.
@ShatnersWig Yes I am aware of that, I come on here to look for the back up that I don't have in real life, having been cut off from old friends and being so far away from home. I apologise if that frustrates you. I have nowhere else to vent!
@Imnotaslimjim, thank you - I think I can leave most of my things at work, take my animals to my mum and leave them there for the week, and then stay here in a hotel next week. I have a flat lined up for December 1st, and pick the keys up first thing.
I'm sure people that have experienced the EA cycle (which I have only just recognised I'm in) will understand how much of a mind fuck this is. In moments of clarity I know what I need to do, but they are few and far between. When he's holding my hand and saying all the good things I want to hear, it's hard to believe I'm going to walk away after five years..
But you don't actually need more back up. You've put in place a flat, to move into, in one week's time. You've made that decision. You've got your ducks in a row. You almost walked out this week but allowed yourself to be sucked back in. You've done most of the work, you just need to physically go. You don't need more new threads, you just need to re-read your previous ones. If they don't spur you on, then a fourth, fifth thread won't either.
Ok, it's possible. Just do it. Just leave. Don't wait. You said yourself it's a cycle and you recognise it as such. If you look at it as an outsider would you would see him work through the stages.
I do understand that it's tough but you're nearly there. You're nearly free of him. Just be brave and take that last step.
Shatner this is several times now I've seen you policing people about how many threads they write. I get that you get fustrated but this is not a soap opera. It's real life and sometimes it takes a few times for people to get the courage to ask. If you are fed up of the posts and threads then just ignore them perhaps? Id the o/p needs a few more times of reassurance or the place to vent then they have the right to do that I am afraid.
I am sorry if my repeated posting has offended anyone. I hate being in a position I have to rely on anonymous people for advice, but that's where I've found myself.
This morning he asked me not to leave him (he can sense something is up). I then drove to work in tears.
Should it be this hard? I am so scared of collecting the keys and signing the tenancy and then regretting it..
Has anyone else been where I am now?
You won't regret it. Just get the fuck out of there.
Nobody should spend so much time in tears, honest - this is not a relationship that is in any way healthy for you.
Please rely on people here, as a group they are reliable, even if a few seem to prefer to vent their frustrations rather than help you.
Of course it's going to be hard, you are admitting that something you really wanted to be for life, isn't going to be. This doesn't change the fact that it is really obviously the right thing for you! You will not regret it. Hundreds of people here will confirm it.
You'll regret it far more if you don't get the fuck out of there. You've got all your ducks lined up now make sure you go through with it. If you don't do it, believe me, you'll be back here in six months asking what to as you find yourself in the same position yet again. Only this time you won't have already taken the steps to organise yourself somewhere to live.
And once you've gone, DO NOT take calls from him, DO NOT communicate with him, if you feel lonely DO NOT make any efforts to reach out to him. That will take will power for a while but trust us - in six months you will be wondering why on earth you didn't do this LONG ago. Seriously.
We know what we're talking about from experience in many cases.
You won't regret it OP. I promise.
(having said that @Thebluedog it's not "easy" )
BTW you know for a fact that the phone network will have told him no such thing about how you got the SIM don't you? That's a blatent lie to start with! Just a stick to beat you with
Good luck OP. You are so close to freedom...
So he doesn't trust you at all,argues with you through the night to the point you can't function next morning and have to take day off Work?
Yep been there, finally thrown him out (had to get court order for that) after years of these nonsense. Lost a paranoid idiot and gained peace.
My life is so much better without him!
Thank you all so much.. I know, it's the right thing to do, I will do it, I just need to stop over-thinking.. It's not easy, I know he's not the one and I know it's not right for me.
@ShatnersWig.. I do appreciate your advice, and I probably need someone like you next to me in RL giving me a shake and standing behind me stopping me from turning around and changing my mind.
@Teensandfuture Well done, I am so happy that you've found your peace
@BitOutOfPractice it is though. We can all make excuses as to why we can’t leave, but if the OP has all her ducks in a row to leave on the 1st, then she just packs up and leaves, goes NC. I spent 10 years trying to leave an abusive ex and the upshot was, it was all in my control (even though I didn’t think it was), and what I needed to do was just pack and go. It really is that simple. It’s our heads/hearts that convince us it’s more difficult than it is.
We all have a choice. Might not be an easy one but we have the control to make a choice.
Just do it OP. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got.......a great saying.
"What you've got" cannot be how you want your life to be. Envisage a happier future and take that first step, his happiness is his to find, you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for him.
There will never be a better time than now, grab it while you can, go for it. x
So you say it's easy Thebluedog then in the last sentence say it's not
If these big things in life were that easy, nobody would be living in a shitty relationship, nobody would be overweight, or smoke, or be addicted to drugs. It's not easy and just glibly saying it is is a great way to make the OP feel shit!
Just to say OP that I've been there. Almost same situation and circumstances, although we had been together 5 years and it took 18 months for me to make my decision and build up the courage to go through with it but did I do the right thing? Too fucking right I did!! 6 years on and I've never been happier, I have an absolutely amazing fiancé who I know would do anything for me and we have beautiful 11 month old twins. Looking back now I felt trapped and scared, all down to him and his manipulative, emotionally abusive and vile ways. Do it OP and don't ever look back.
@Iwillbemrsminty thank you, it's good to hear someone who has come out of it and is doing so well.
I think if we hadn't lived together for most of our relationship (moved in after a couple of months) I would find it easier, I'd still have some of my old self left.
@Thebluedog I get what you are saying, and yes from the other side it sure sounds easy. From deep inside this awful cycle though it's not - I question every thought I have and have been conditioned not to trust myself, so everything is hard.
I really appreciate all of the support on here. I pick up the keys at 11am Friday so am working to that point now, trying not to hear all of the nice things that are being said (or at least trying not to believe them) and focus on where I'll be this time next year.. It would be so much easier if I loved myself more than him!
Rip the plaster off and go. It will be better when you do. It will be kinder to both of you in the long run
A relationship shouldn't be this complicated. You shouldn't be walking on egg shells. Your life is going to be so much better when you leave. Get out, and don't look back.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.