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Relationship woes

(10 Posts)
itsalottery Fri 24-Nov-17 12:36:32

After some advice please, been with bf over 2 years. We don't live together. We keep falling out because I want more commitment. He has a lot of stress and has pulled away more and more which he says is because he has to deal with his other stresses. This makes me needy and my demands make him more stressed so he pulls away more. I struggle to cope with this. I have broken it off but still ring him etc. How can I either accept him as he is or move on. It hurts so much.

Happyfoodie50 Fri 24-Nov-17 13:22:48

the hardest thing is when you don’t feel safe and loved in your relationship. After 2 years he should know what he wants.Maybe he likes your company but doesn’t want any commitment or stringing you along. I suppose at least he’s telling you how he feels. Funny enough when someone pulls away we can become artificially needy. By that I mean it’s not really in our nature so we fight it and then that makes us depressed. I pulled away from my partner last night for good and am heartbroken but you start losing your dignity and men are sometimes cowards and don’t tell you the truth.

itsalottery Fri 24-Nov-17 13:32:14

Thank you for your reply. Sorry you are going through similar, how long has you been together. You're right, I have become artificially needy and can't seem to switch it off. It's driving him away and driving Me mad too! He says all the right things (sometines) B8it his actions don't back it up.

Jumpinthepoolagain Fri 24-Nov-17 13:39:10

I've just split up with some I've been with for 2 years (I've got a thread on here about it) and I'm feeling shit today BUT you have to tell yourself that you wouldn't feel like this if he was right for you.

Who wants to be with someone when you are just an option to them? If someone really loves you they'd fight to commit to you not leave you feeling insecure.

How long since you split? Time will help.

itsalottery Fri 24-Nov-17 13:42:31

Sorry for your heartache too. It's only been a couple of days. We've been here before for all the same reasons. I need to stronger this time as it is making me too depressed and not able to be fun mum which I feel incredibly guilty about.

SparkyFire Fri 24-Nov-17 13:43:20

My emotionally unavailable boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me for this very reason (I wanted more than to see him once a week...)

Best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm now with someone who actually makes time and effort to see me and makes me feel wanted and loved.

Happyfoodie50 Fri 24-Nov-17 13:49:12

Yes that’s the key ,actions speak louder than words. They tell you want you want to hear. My relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster of 10 years. We’re both divorced and lived with our kids but now they’ve gone to uni so no reason not to marry or live together. We were half planning for next summer. The problem is he edits chunks out of his life and lies .Saying he doesn’t want to upset me. All concerning his female colleagues. Behaves like s single man. Not sure if anything is physical but then emotional. I started looking at phone and now paranoid. It’s hard if you feel they don’t want the same. Not sure if in your situation what happens if you distanced yourself. Concentrate on something else? In my experience it becomes allconsuming because you’re confused as they manipulate your feelings and you get obsessive trying to guess their thoughts. When I started discussing our relationship with him he burst out in tears and started saying he had no one but although harsh I think it was a manipulation as I confronted him about a lie he had told. Haven’t heard from him today and will not contact him again. I text him when I got home asking if he was ok? No reply yet. He will know I’m worried about him so I just have to let him go. Hard when you love them deeply.

itsalottery Fri 24-Nov-17 13:53:09

Goodness you've maintained a semi relationship for a long time, how did you manage that long without going crazy?!! Maybe I push for too much too soon and should have been more patient but when it's promised and not given that's just so confusing. How can one possibly know what they really mean if they won't tell you!

Happyfoodie50 Fri 24-Nov-17 14:07:32

To tell you the truth at first it suited me as well being like that. The kids were 8 and 10 when we met and only live 5 mins from each other. It was a perfect relationship and he pushed to see me every day and we eat together, I iron for him and he did very little. I once asked him to look after my dog and he said he’d do it for £30 apparently a joke but would always jokingly hypothetically charge! Last years been a roller coaster as he’s pulling away. When I confront him about his actions he blames me, starts crying. Won’t let me finish it. Calms down and then texts me saying he loves me and doesn’t want to end. He’s been away with female colleague. Made out he was on own. Says he’s allowed to work with females, tells me its innocent but doesn’t mention it. Says I am overly jealous. I feel it’s manipulated jealously . Never like this in other relationships. Sorry back to you I would relax abit , do t contact him and give him space, read Natalie lues books on NC and make plans with friends.

itsalottery Fri 24-Nov-17 23:14:03

I'm going to try the nc thing. It's just very hard. He always says otherwise but actions always say he's just not as into me as I am him which is a bitter pill to swallow and so hurtful. I have over invested and given so much more than he has. I am in danger of, in fact more than that, am totally acting desperate which is crazy!

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