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Seperating. Really struggling.

(50 Posts)
Nottalotta Fri 24-Nov-17 08:39:07

It's my doing, I'm not happy at all. Long long back story . 2 small children.

Why s it still so hard? I've been OK. But today I'm a snivelling mess and could do with time to myself but have a baby and toddler to be happy for.

Disquieted1 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:16:28

Some days are hard.
All I can say is, try to keep your mind busy. If you let it, your mind can go to some really dark places and you really don't want to go there. There are demons lurking!
Don't think too much and keep busy. Time really does heal everything.

Good luck.

ClaudiaFringe Fri 24-Nov-17 19:42:39

I've just separated too (also my decision). It's been much harder than I had anticipated. The sense of loss, of what could have been.
My advice to you (and me): go easy on yourself, allow yourself time to adjust/come to terms with it, do whatever you need to do to make life easier - call on others for help, etc. Most of all, be kind to yourself; it's early days. flowers

divorcenightmare Fri 24-Nov-17 19:47:01

Me too. Also instigated by me for good reason. Today I want him back. Am reminding myself that our relationship has been non-existent for years, that I don't find him easy to talk to, that he is often unpleasant / unkind to me and that I don't trust him.

Witnessing his loss and hurt is awful though. He is not sad about me but about the loss of everything else.

Olicity17 Fri 24-Nov-17 20:01:27

Another saying me too.

I cant go back. The seperation must happen. But i dont want to be alone. I cant forget all the shit he put me through. I dont want to be sulked at for going out. I dont want to be followed and every text questioned. And all the other shit.

But i wamted my marriage to work. I dont want to be on my own with 2 kids. No partner to come home to. Its so hard.

Really hard to accept that its still the right thing. Even though I am miserable.

JacquelineChan Fri 24-Nov-17 20:04:28

Op I could have written your post. Sometimes it seems so clear cut and other times I am so confused . We just have to soldier on .
The times that I falter are when I just feel so lonely , but I have to remind myself it's better than being with an abusive twat

Longwalkoffashortpier Fri 24-Nov-17 20:06:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nottalotta Fri 24-Nov-17 20:36:00

Oh god thank you all. I'm so sorry so many are in the same boat. He hasn't left yet. Maybe Sunday he said this morning, hence my total wobble. But I can't go back, I can't.

I feel sorry for him!! He's been controlling, emotion ally abus ive, distanced me from friends and family. Negative, critical. I've totally changed in order to keep the peace and I don't like it. I thought I could copen with it (why!?!?) Until the babies came . They shouldn't have to live in such a negative miserable house.

And yes claudia I'm mourning the lack of happy family I think rather than him leaving. And yes to divorcenightmare re witnessing his sense of loss and total bewilderment. And to think I'm causing it. I'm not of course but it's hard to keep a level head at times.

ClaudiaFringe Fri 24-Nov-17 20:51:38

I don't know if it's harder to be the one who has the burden of making the decision of splitting (all the guilt & questioning yourself that goes with it) or to be the one who is told it's over. My husband went into overdrive and starting going out on the pull almost immediately - while we still had to live together and play happy families! He's only just moved out and he already had a girlfriend lined up. It's his only way of coping but my god it's hard to watch.

It will, it must, get easier.

Nottalotta Fri 24-Nov-17 21:03:11

I was a bit taken aback when he told me this morning that he'd leave Sunday. I think also because he's been feeling very sorry for himself, complaining about not seeing the children. So I had said he could see them here anytime. This, apparently, was not acceptable. He wI'll see them once a week. And then announces he's leaving Sunday. It feels very much like he can't wait to be rid of the parenting role.

Pebbles1989 Fri 24-Nov-17 21:24:15

I don't know if it's harder to be the one who has the burden of making the decision of splitting (all the guilt & questioning yourself that goes with it) or to be the one who is told it's over.

This! I always thought it was worse to be the dumpee, but doing the dumping is horrible too. You feel so responsible for the other person’s pain.

scheners1 Fri 24-Nov-17 21:54:54

4 weeks into the separation and I’m feeling so lonely, I have no friends, the ones I had have abandoned me it feels, I guess they have their own happy busy lives or weren’t good friends to begin with. Moved to a new area with my partner and our daughter 4 years ago but he was an isolationist so we never really made friends, where do I go to make friends, feel very alone especially weekends, I’m ok during the week as I work full time but I work from home mainly, my daughter is a teenager so she goes out with friends, want to keep things as normal as possible for her so she has no idea I feel like this. Can anyone give advise

Nottalotta Fri 24-Nov-17 22:12:20

I'm so sorry you are fein good like that scheners. I am incredibly lonely within my marriage, I hope it won't be worse once he leaves . Though I might actually get visitors once he's not here. I don't what to say , I guess working from home doesn't help? I used to go to a few exercise classes and a beginners running club, and although didn't end up with lots of friends it's still social and made one very good friend.

Olicity17 Sat 25-Nov-17 07:13:16

I think the lonliness will be better when he isnt here too. I rarely have anyone round either. We are stuck together until the house sells. I can, hopefully, get a mortgage on my own.

We have a viewing today and house in my area sell within a few weeks. So maybe it won't be that long.

Shashgo27 Sat 25-Nov-17 07:33:35

You guys need to go easy on yourselves. Think of it like a major operation as it's the emotional equivalent. If you had a heart operation, would you all expect to be back on your feet and rushing around like normal? No you wouldn't. You would be in hospital for a week, resting at home for months and maybe getting back to something like normal six months later. This is no different, you just need time to heal.

Women are more caring by nature. Watching other people suffering does not come easy.

However, you must remember that you (and they) are in this position for a reason, in most cases and as described, it is because your husbands/partners have not lived up to expectations, have been abusive/continue to be and are not the person you thought would make you happy forever.

Relationships are hard to break away from as everyone has a fear of loneliness and living in abject misery for the rest of your lives. It is worse nowadays due to social media and the constant bombardment of "happy families" everywhere. These images are not always what they seem!

I have been through this 20 years ago. It was painful, emotions were all over the place but I and many others who have been through this will testify that it does get better slowly but surely, life moves on, good parenting can happen with respect and cooperation on both sides and you can move on and in time, if it is what you want, then you will meet someone else who you can be happy with.

Life is short. My parents died in their 60's after years of a very abusive and unhappy marriage. My mum spent 80% of her life with a controlling and abusive man who didn't make her happy. What a waste.

So my advice is be strong, always refer back to why you are in this position and carry it through. Don't rush back into dating. There are many men who take advantage of vulnerable women. It's easy to search for validation from another person when you feel lonely but believe me it doesn't end well in the early stages and can cause you more pain.

So grieve for what might have been, try and stay civil and let the healing process take effect. Don't rush into another relationship and use the time you have to really reflect on things and perhaps find some new interests that can help you understand what you are all about before you move on.

Good luck. It's a very brave decision that you have all made. Many don't and live in misery all their lives for the sake of the children. As a parent of older children, believe me, you get no thanks and they lose interest in you once they become adults anyway!

JacquelineChan Sat 25-Nov-17 08:06:44

Scheners I feel very similar to you. I work from home I have a 3 year old in nursery. I'm stuck living with my ex/partner until January at least.
So many friends saying all the right things but have many excuses not to meet with me. I guess as you say they all have their own lives.
Weekends are terrible I've already been near to tears this morning.
Shash thank you for your post it makes a lot of sense and helping me understand the process.

Olicity17 Sat 25-Nov-17 08:12:23

@Shashgo27 thank you. That was wonderful to read.

@JacquelineChan weekends are definitely the hardest. I was in tears last weekend and ended up volunteering for work for something to do. Luckily this weekend there are plans for both us and the kids.

We are here if you need to talk.

JacquelineChan Sat 25-Nov-17 08:18:27

Thank you olicity. I'm glad I'm not the only one ! Well I'm not glad we are all having a terrible time - but you know what I mean!

JacquelineChan Sat 25-Nov-17 08:22:02

I am going to an Xmas market later with my mum and ds.
Partner and his son will be here tonight so we can spend time as a family with my ds. Trying to keep things normal for the kids .

Olicity17 Sat 25-Nov-17 08:27:52

I knoe what you mean grin. Its just nice to know you arent the only one going through it.

I am going to a christmas market tomorrow. I hope you enjoy today with your mum and kids.

ClaudiaFringe Sat 25-Nov-17 10:46:06

Shashgo27 - amazing post. Will return to it when I feel low (i.e daily!).
scheners1 - try not to let your past define you - you can and will make friends. Spend some time working out what you enjoy doing and what makes you happy and then look into local options. Volunteering is a good way to meet people. Also look at local websites for clubs/groups ( ?) - everything from walking groups to choirs. Take comfort from the fact there are a lot of people who are in the same position.

Nottalotta Sat 25-Nov-17 20:03:31

Thank you for your post shashgo. I don't want to be here in another 20 years time and regret it.

He's said he's leaving tomorrow. He said he would move some stuff today. He has boxed up so early for his piles of stuff (semi hoarder) but I can't see that much has gone if anything. Just boxed and rearranged. Tomorrow is much much sooner than expected but once I got over the initial shock I really hope he does go .

I don't feel able to ask him though.

JacquelineChan Sat 25-Nov-17 20:23:41

Nottalotta I think you are right , the sooner the better. Stay strong tomorrow.

This one here saying he's going after Xmas, feels long and drawn out . Utterly confusing because we are getting on much better than we have in ages , probably my relief that it's over and the forced civility

Nottalotta Sun 26-Nov-17 08:21:07

Looks like it's happening.

We are both struggling with the forced civility. He keeps talking at me and there's only so much of can take before I get angry.

I might need a hand hold today and later if anyone is around.

Olicity17 Sun 26-Nov-17 08:31:13

I am here. Honestly the sooner the better. Me and ex are stuck together until house sells. I wish one of us could afford to move without selling.

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