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have I made right decision to ask my partner to leave

(27 Posts)
lulutherapies Fri 24-Nov-17 00:25:13

I was with my DP for five years, he is now 41 and I'm 49. He moved into my home 4 years ago. He got into some bad habits, not paying our new shared bills on time, I had to ask him every month all the time we lived together for his monthly rent. Sometimes he didn't have it and borrowed it from his mum and she would put it directly in my account. It made me angry when his mother paid it as I felt she was not helping him be responsible. He was a mummys boy. He was a pseudo husband as she had an unhappy marriage. Lots of things hav happened where she has trodden on my toes. For his 41st birthday, without asking me she booked a restaurant and invited his cousins, aunts, uncles but not my grown up children. We had such a row this day of the birthday meal, we split up. My partner was a tradesman, a nice friendly guy, but in 4 years living together, I still have a number of repairs to do to the home that needed fixing when he moved in. He likes a drink at weekends and would often spend much of weekend in front of tv or sleeping on sofa. Our weekends were very unproductive. More recently he was doing cocaine with friends before coming home to me on a Friday evening. I was increasingly disappointed, we had more and more arguments. I was working hard, my business doing well, I was starting to pay for some big home improvements but no contribution from him, not even to do the electrics in the end. Everyone says he is a really nice guy and fun, but the above behaviour was dragging me down. We had a big row, I told him he was making our house not feel like a home and asked him to leave. It's caused a big fall out of course, his mother has cut me and my children off as have his family. I'm a good woman, good morals, work hard but still found all of this hard to deal with. My children are hurt - they said he wasn't making an effort, acting more like a lodger... co-existing. DP would do anything for his mother in a heartbeat but wouldn't hesitate to tell me where to go... We could never have a row and resolve any issues because it was his way or the high way and if I didn't agree with him he would go to stay with his mother or father for a few days and then come back and never say sorry. I just thought he would grow up, man up and should I have given him more time to do so?


He’s in his forties. If he was 17 & in his first relationship then maybe. But he’s a man. He doesn’t pull his weight and he’s going on benders like a 20 year old, running to Mummy when he rinses all his cash on whatever he likes.

You are well rid!!

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 24-Nov-17 00:28:34

He's 41! He's as grown up as he's going to be and he's dragging you down. You've done the right thing.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Fri 24-Nov-17 00:30:12

Definitely the right thing. You deserve far better.

Disquieted1 Fri 24-Nov-17 01:03:15

I don't think you're really asking "did I make the right decision?" Based on the information provided, you clearly did. I think you're really asking "can I be on my own at 49?" And again the answer is "yes".

Changedname3456 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:22:24

God no, why would anyone need more time on top of 4 years? If he was going to grow up / change then he’d have done it many years ago.

Joysmum Fri 24-Nov-17 09:50:10

Why would you think you weren’t doing the right thing?

ToesInWater Fri 24-Nov-17 10:48:34

I think you are really brave for making the only decision a sensible person would. A lot of people would have put up with his bad behaviour, you had more self respect.

DownTownAbbey Fri 24-Nov-17 10:52:37

Well done!

SandyY2K Fri 24-Nov-17 11:23:41

You did the right thing.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 24-Nov-17 11:28:25

This sounds like the kind of guy for whom the word "cocklodger" was invented.

Isetan Fri 24-Nov-17 13:51:16

You write at length about his Mother enabling this supposedly grown arse man but you yourself put up with his crap for three years!!!! I understand your anger but you need to acknowledge and understand your contribution to your relationship dynamic with this selfish man.

There are no medals for martyrdom.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 24-Nov-17 14:02:24

Well done for getting rid. Being single is not only better than living with an unsatisfactory man, but wonderful in its own right.

LoveYouTimMinchin Fri 24-Nov-17 14:26:22

You have absolutely done the right thing! No question.

ahhhsalmonskinroll Fri 24-Nov-17 14:38:05



ImSoUnoriginal Fri 24-Nov-17 15:01:24

You know you have done the right thing really, don't you. He sounds like a dingbat! Far better off without him OP. cakebrew

Bananalanacake Fri 24-Nov-17 15:12:37

I would dump him for the cocaine alone.

Ellie56 Fri 24-Nov-17 19:03:15

Oh yes OP you are well rid. But you know that really, don't you?

expatinscotland Fri 24-Nov-17 19:06:44

Please, please, please do the Freedom Programme so you can avoid even getting into a relationship with a drug-taking, manchild cocklodger, much less question whether it's a good thing to leave one.

Jellyheadbang Fri 24-Nov-17 23:07:41

Sounds very similar to my irresponsible ex. He put on a good show of being a grown up but he soon showed his true colours.
Coke was involved there too.

lulutherapies Fri 24-Nov-17 23:49:00

thank you everyone. gives me some strength which I am lacking atm. This fall out has not been pleasant and I am not used to people cutting me off/not talking to me which I am struggling with. I'm 49, I need to be a big girl.

aftertheevent Sat 25-Nov-17 00:30:27

You are being a big girl by getting rid of this immature waste of space.
You owe him nothing.

trojanpony Sat 25-Nov-17 10:05:40

100% the right thing. Do not doubt yourself.

lulutherapies Sat 25-Nov-17 13:33:48

how do I deal with the fact all of his family have cut off contact with me and my children? We were together five years. He has a large family, mine is very small so my children feel rather hurt. As soon as the word drugs got mentioned to his family they just cut... deleted my children from their social media... my 19 year old daughter struggling as no closure/goodbye

CuriousaboutSamphire Sat 25-Nov-17 15:43:55

You deal with it by having a quick rethink: they are his family, they are how he was raised, he is, it seems, a pretty good indicator of the kind of people they are!

Your 19 year old daughter should be encouraged to learn the lessen her very generous mother has taken time to teach her (sorry, but it might raise a smile)

All in all, you fell for a twat. A real mummy's boy, a cocklodging wannabe gigalo (add your own perjoratives). He was raised by self centred idiots to be a self centred idiot and your life will be better without them, all of them!

That is how you deal with it. If at of them turn out to be decent people, that will be a happy surprise, a bonus.

Good luck with the mental re-structuring smile

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