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Relationships

Would you tell your current dp about an affair from a previous relationship?

27 replies

namechanged225 · 23/11/2017 16:29

Obviously have name changed.

I was married for 10 years to my ex dh (who I have 2 children with.) I had been unhappy in my marriage for about a year (because he was becoming increasingly aggressive in attitude/arrogant etc) and in the build up to Christmas that year my dh was unbearable to live with and it was kind of becoming the beginning of the end for me. I turned 30 that December too and something was clicking in my mind that I didn’t want this anymore. So judge me if you want to but I stupidly started an affair with someone at work (who also knew my dh.)

The affair went on, meeting up (although limited due to me having dc) and eventually in May the following year I left my dh and moved out (we have always shared the dc equally.) Although I am glad I left my ex dh (because I was genuinely very unhappy) the relationship I ended up having with the other man turned into an emotionally/physically abusive one which was a year of absolute hell which I always say is my karma for being such a bitch. The whole thing was a complete mess and I wholeheartedly regret it all (with the other man.)

I have never admitted to my ex dh that the relationship with the other man started in the last few months of our marriage and always maintained the story that it started as we were splitting up (although I doubt he believes that) mainly to protect my dc I suppose (who were 6 and 8 when we split.) I just didn’t want my ex dh to say I had an affair to them when they are older.

It took me a long time to get over the trauma of the other mans emotional abuse and violence towards me.

Now I am with my dp who I have been with for a year. I have told him about the other man and we have spoken to great lengths about it all but I have again always maintained our relationship started as my marriage was ending. I’m scared to say it actually started 4 months before my marriage actually ended meaning it was an affair. I’m such a shit aren’t I but I think I should tell him.

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hellsbellsmelons · 23/11/2017 16:36

Why do you think you should tell him?
It's in the past.
You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.
If you want to though, then do that.

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NCforthis12345 · 23/11/2017 16:37

It's YOUR past and has nothing to do with your relationship.

I know this is different but when I was late teens I cheated on a long term (well 3yrs!) bf. I had suspicions he had cheated but no concrete evidence so stayed and then I cheated on him a few times. Nothing emotional. I told new DP after we'd been together 4 years. Not sure why. Anyway he was fine about it but has since used my past against me. I.e. you did it to your ex. etc. Which is fair enough as I probably would be just as childish.

But just be warned!

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namechanged225 · 23/11/2017 16:38

I suppose because I just wanna to be honest with him. I hate having this lie there. Sad

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ShizeItsWeegie · 23/11/2017 16:38

No, I wouldn't tell him. It's nothing to do with him and four months is neither here nor there, especially in light of the fact you were on the receiving end of abuse from your then husband. Give yourself a break.

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MrsBertBibby · 23/11/2017 16:40

God no. It's true, really.

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namechanged225 · 23/11/2017 16:44

I would worry that my dp would always have in the back of his mind the thought that I might have an affair.

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PinkHeart5914 · 23/11/2017 16:44

Well it’s in the past but hopefully you learnt a lesson that cheating is never the way and wouldn’t be that way again.

If he asked you if you’ve ever cheated in a relationship, you tell him the truth. I think if your asked the question straight out and you lie it isn’t great as if you can’t be honest you’ve got issues imo. You cheated so you at least own up to it if asked. If he doesn’t ask if you cheated then no need to mention it because that isn't lying

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Justbreathing · 23/11/2017 16:51

if someone asked you outright then I would tell the truth. but I wouldn't volunteer the information
it was a complicated situation, and nothing in life is black and white.

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SaturdayNIghtAtTheMovies · 23/11/2017 17:40

If it were me... if asked directly, i wouldn't lie, but i wouldn't offer the information voluntarily because it's in the past.

However, if I only found out from a partner that they'd had an affair because I'd asked, then I'd wonder what else they'd done that I might only find out about if I asked the right questions. Having lived with that, it's pretty damaging.

The problem is that if a man yold me e'd been unhappy for a very long time (eg 5+ yrs), I'd still think they should have left and an affair is never the amswer, but I would understand the loneliness/damaging impact etc.

A year sounds like a potentially short term 'rocky patch' and I would wonder if every time we had a rocky patch he'd walk.

My view is largely clouded by the fact O was with my ex for 12 years. It was sexless after the first 18 months and loveless ajd sad and we were both unhappy...

I never once contemplated an affair. I made the (foolish) decision to ride it out for the children, but there is no way I would have had an affair.

I think it's unforgiveable.

However, I am also of the opinion that most men would cheat given the opportunity and, therefore, assume that most men would.

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LemonShark · 23/11/2017 17:46

I think your instincts are correct and you should tell him. You sound like quite an honest person these days (based on how much you're agonising over this) and I don't think you'll ever be able to fully relax and feel close and happy with your boyfriend knowing there's this deception between you. It'd be one thing if it just never came up but given you directly lied to him and maintained there was no affair I think you need to be honest now so you can move forward without lies between you.

I am of the view you should tell a new partner about past infidelity, many people would choose not to be with someone who'd cheated in the past and they deserve to be able to make that decision. And these things always come out so it'll be ten times worse when it comes out unexpectedly compared to coming clean now.

Sit him down, tell him why you lied and make it clear you want your relationship to be different and honest and that's why you're speaking up about it now. Hopefully he'll understand and you can move forward (maybe he's also lied about something). But if you keep quiet I think it'll eat you up inside and when it eventually slips out the damage will be so much greater.

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mindutopia · 23/11/2017 17:51

I would want to know this about a partner, yes. Personally, I've never cheated, so not an issue for me, but I have been an open book about my past relationships with my now-husband, as has he. I think there's no sense moving forward in a relationship that is built on an untruth. I don't think you need to unload every detail unless he wants to know, but that's different than intentionally deceiving. So I would be honest, though I realise that may be hard now that you've gone this far.

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ButterflyForest · 23/11/2017 17:58

It's eating you up, so I would tell them. It seems like you feel like this will be hanging over your head until in a few years, you ex husband may tell your children.

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ButterflyForest · 23/11/2017 17:58

I would tell him* (your current partner)

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SandyY2K · 23/11/2017 17:59

I wouldn't tell a new partner about it for the reasons you said either... because (if I was him) I'd be thinking as soon as things get tough instead of dealing with it or ending it...you'd choose an affair.

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namechanged225 · 23/11/2017 18:16

It’s such a hard, complex situation. I never thought my marriage would end in an affair, I really didn’t. I really feel there is something different between me and my dp that I have never felt before, not even at the beginning of my relationship with my ex dh.

My sister was one of the only people who knew about my affair at the time. When my ex dh and I had split I didn’t speak to my sister for 2 years (we have always had a rocky relationship over the years) and we have gotten in touch over the past few months. It’s been suggested I go up to see her and my dp is invited. Whilst I don’t think it would be an open topic of conversation I know I’ll feel nervous if it’s mentioned or if my dp and sister have a conversation and it comes up. I really wouldn’t want my dp finding out elsewhere from my sister for instance. I really have to tell him don’t I. I’ve been such an idiot!

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MsGameandWatching · 23/11/2017 23:54

No I wouldn't tell. It's utterly irrelevant to your current relationship and in my experience sharing that kind of information can create problems where none were before.

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Disquieted1 · 24/11/2017 00:05

^^
This.
Keep your mouth shut. Your past is yours, not his, and is an irrelevance.

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ShatnersWig · 24/11/2017 08:44

I'm not entirely sure I agree with PP who say "it's your past, forget it, it's not relevant to your new guy" but I do get why they say it.

While obviously physical attraction is what hooks us in the first place, for me at least, it's shared values that deepen it into something more. I am dead set against cheating in any circumstances and if I found out later that my partner had cheated previously, I'd be wondering whether our values were the same at all. It's not about judging someone, it's about whether we're on the same page about things I feel are important.

But I do get both sides. Only you know this new man and only you can really decide. I certainly wouldn't ever lie if asked as I think honesty is absolutely essential.

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SandyY2K · 24/11/2017 08:53

Why would your sister mention it to him? I would hate to think my sister discussed my love life with my DH.

The only other thing is would you expect to be good or wabt to know if your DP cheated in a previous relationship or marriage?

If so... then tell him on that basis.

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CheeseyToast · 24/11/2017 08:56

But it isn't difficult or complex at all. You are way overthinking this. There is absolutely no need to bring any of it up. Wanting to be honest with your partner is not the same as unloading all your emotional baggage, that should be parked in a counsellor's office.

On the whole I get the impression that you have a habit of moving on too quickly and thereby transferring your issues to your new relationships. It's pretty unhealthy. You're more likely to form strong relationships when you've dealt properly with your past.

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SaturdayNIghtAtTheMovies · 24/11/2017 09:16

Interesting isn't it. Lots of people saying it's none of his business, but i've read plenty of threads on here that ask would you date a man who'd dated in his previous relationship - there was one in the last week or so.

The general consensus was that his honesty in admitting it is to be admired, would have been worse had he kept it secret and not said anything, and then people were mixed on whether they'd date someone who admitted cheating.

I would expect to be able to make an informed decision on whether i wanted to be in a relationship with someone.

It would be less of an issue for me if i were told and the reasons explained than if i found out about it and had the excuses applied retrosepctively.

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TheNaze73 · 24/11/2017 10:19

Saturday makes a brilliant point

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namechanged225 · 24/11/2017 13:58

Well last night I told him. We have spoken about our past relationships in many a conversation and he has never outright asked me “did the relationship overlap” for me to outright lie but I’d always given the impression that the “other man” happened as I was splitting with ex dh (as opposed to 4 months before.) When I told him last night he was thankfully ok and thanked me for having the balls to tell him.

For some reason he said he trusts me more Hmm because I owned up and told him when I could have just kept it quiet. I said I get if now he’s having second thoughts and he said he wasn’t and told me if I was ever having doubts about us just to tell him. He said he’s fucked up in the past too (not an affair though) and we can move forward.

I’m glad I told him just over a year in before things get more serious with moving in/potential marriage etc. Now he knows everything there is to know and to be honest I feel much more content knowing there aren’t any skeletons in my closet lurking.

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ShatnersWig · 24/11/2017 13:59

Well done, OP

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SaturdayNIghtAtTheMovies · 24/11/2017 16:24

For some reason he said he trusts me more Hmm

Don't be Hmm!

It's a good think. It shows that you made a mistake but that, ultimately, you are an honest person who has integrity.

Good for you!

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