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I need to stop this and I need to be told off

(28 Posts)
CathysGhost Wed 22-Nov-17 20:05:25

I am having a crap time with DH. We've been bickering and not getting on, arguing etc for a long while now. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes there are glimpses of the man I loved before and I don't hate him at all.

Since September, I have a new trainee at work and I have a stupid crush on him. It's inappropriate and awkward and I need to stop it. I think about him all the time, I really fancy him. He's funny, extremely good looking and we have loads in common. If I was single I'd have been making an effort to establish something with him but I'm not and neither is he.

How can I stop this feeling? I know it's because things are rocky with DH. There's no way I'm going to have a fling with the crush , I just need advice on how to switch the feelings off.

The crush is my age, by saying trainee I think that may have been misleading. I'm in mid thirties and I need to get a grip.

Shouldileavethedogs Wed 22-Nov-17 20:16:28

Yes. You need to get a grip. You feel this way because your relationship has lost its spark. You only get out what you out in. The crush feelings will remain so long as you don't focus on your DH. Make the effort and think about the future. A life with DH. Or someone else. If you're truly unhappy move on. Forget the crush as that's not the answer. Temporary happiness maybe but not long term. Date night. Lots of talking. Touching. I hope you sort it. Good luck.

nightshade Wed 22-Nov-17 20:19:53

Start really focusing on the reality of being with your trainee....

Imagine him unshowered in his dressing gown cutting his toenails..scratching his arse..

Has he a pigeon chest or an annoying laugh that you could focus in on??.

Koala72 Wed 22-Nov-17 20:26:20

Personally I think that so long as you don't have an affair with the 'trainee', then it's ok to have your life made happier and to remember who you are ... for a bit. It will fizzle out, honestly. You can't imagine it ever could, but it will. It might take a few months. Or a year or so. Typically these crushes, if not turned into affairs, go on for a good year or more, and then, once both sides realise that nothing is actually going further, fall into a kind of affectionate occasional mild flirting. A kind of 'it might have been sort of in a parallel universe'. Basically, without even saying it, your mutual attraction and admiration is understood, and it makes you both feel better.

Of course you need to try to sort it with the DH. You sound in a total rut with him. These things also change - even if you mostly don't like him now, it might improve. The usual process is to try to like him again, and if that really doesn't work, either to decide to stay with him and be miserable, or stay with him and have someone on the side, or leave him. (I'm stating facts here - not endorsing any courses of action!!)

I myself would find out as soon as possible if it's salvageable with DH, and if not I'd leave him. Then something might happen with trainee, might not. Fancying the trainee could either mean he's better for you than DH, or just that you're unhappy with DH and trainee is something new and different.

Either way, you will have to address the real situation with DH.

And having said I don't advocate any particular course of action, I would actually say that whatever you do, you really should not have a physical affair with someone else while with DH. If you don't want DH, leave him. If you do want him, don't fuck someone else.

A bit of work to do on your part - try to sort out what you want, and what is fair.

But if you want DH, and Trainee just makes you feel happier over the photocopier for a while - I think that's ok. It helps remind you of who you are, independent of any relationship.

CathysGhost Wed 22-Nov-17 20:39:57

Thanks all. I had genuinely prepared myself to get blasted and you've been very kind.
Crush looks like he is sculpted from marble, he's an ex pro sportsman who is changing career. He's also clever and engaging. It's the perfect storm for me.
I am NOT going to sleep with him, I can't and I wouldn't.
Thank you all for the kind words and advice which I have taken on board and will certainly action!

nightshade Wed 22-Nov-17 20:44:27

Bollocks...I bet he picks his nose..snores or chews loudly!

BeanoNoir Wed 22-Nov-17 20:45:03

Whenever you get nice crushy feelings about him try and keep those feelings but put your dh in place of him - imagine it’s dh your getting the crushy feelings about. I presume you felt like that about him once upon a time. Try to make yourself associate those nice feelings with him, not new fly-by-night, actually attached, would be just as boring/shit/annoying if you’d been married to him for a while trainee.

If there’s stuff you need to sort with dh or a conversation you need to have with him, do it. But crush guy is just a red herring.

DiscoDeviant Wed 22-Nov-17 20:49:47

It's because you and your OH aren't in tune at the moment so you're enjoying the attention. Anyone would. Crushes usually fizzle out after a while but whilst you feel like this you'll also have less patience with your OH and finding things are irritating you more. It's human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

BeanoNoir Wed 22-Nov-17 20:50:24

IT takes a special guy to actually become a dh. I bet you’ve had crushy feelings before about boyfriends and it never turned into marriage. That’s just what this would be. But you must have seen something in dh that made him be the one you chose to marry. If it’s still there you need to accept it will never feel like the early days when you first meet someone - it’s different but better imo. But, again, if there’s stuff going on in your marriage that needs addressing, then you need to address it. Communicating about it will either show you it’s worth keeping and you can get through it, or you can’t and you need to work through it. Either way, crush guy can’t be a part of that at all. He’s just a symptom of the way you’re feeling.

Chimchar Wed 22-Nov-17 20:52:18

I read a saying once which is so true.....’the grass is greener where you water it most’.
Spend some time with your dh and take things back to when you first got together...do things that made you attracted to him, laugh together. All that jazz.
smile

loveablether Wed 22-Nov-17 20:53:37

Chimcar - wise words!

JoyceDivision Wed 22-Nov-17 20:58:38

Over crush: that's what you need to do.

Go overboard, think about him liads, think of lots of lovely times you can have together. Loads. All the time.

Then he'll (crush wise) get a bit boring and less entertaining and start to get on your tits. Like a husband.

It works, perfect crush overkill wink

CathysGhost Thu 23-Nov-17 22:18:20

I tried the overboard thing today. I also though what he would look like aged 20 years and what he'd look like with a cold. He cocked all of that up by being kind to small children and my husband was a twat when I came home from work. I went for a run to clear my head.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 23-Nov-17 22:19:56

Do you have children with your husband?

springydaff Fri 24-Nov-17 03:01:45

Would it pop the crush bubble if you told your husband?

CathysGhost Fri 24-Nov-17 05:09:12

I tried the overboard thing today. I also though what he would look like aged 20 years and what he'd look like with a cold. He cocked all of that up by being kind to small children and my husband was a twat when I came home from work. I went for a run to clear my head.

CathysGhost Fri 24-Nov-17 05:28:39

I do have DC, yes. Aside from the crish issues, my marriage is crap. I can't sleep at the moment thinking about this aspect if the whole scenario. Dh had turned into the most miserable, shouty, anti social, tetchy person I know. I don't know what to do about that side of things.

Found out today that crush will be transferring from my place of work come the end of January do that's a good thing.

CathysGhost Fri 24-Nov-17 06:12:53

I've been awake since 4. I feel sick.

KnockMeDown Fri 24-Nov-17 06:27:02

Why is your husband behaving as he is at the moment? Is he under a lot of pressure? Is it a new thing? I think you should concentrate on resolving the issues there.

AmeliaFlashtart Fri 24-Nov-17 06:32:36

This admittedly is disgusting and crass but you need to associate crush with something revolting so if skiddy undies doesn't do it imagine you go to give him a blow job and he has a really smelly cheesy unwashed knob.

PollytheDolly Fri 24-Nov-17 06:41:04

Amelia 😂** that should do it.

OP have you had a proper talk with your DH?

theredjellybean Fri 24-Nov-17 06:49:46

I just laughed so hard at ameliawidhearts comment my whole train carriage is looking at me...

Op - crush aside, do you know why dh has become so unhappy and miserable?
Crushes at work can be fun, it's nice to have those butterfly feelings, and it certainly perks up the day, but be careful.. You say you'd never have an affair but that's probably what the vast majority of people in affairs said once.

Your trainee moving on will most likely allow crushy feelings to dissipate but doesn't solve marriage issues.

I never suggest people do all those activities 'to put spark back', unless you really want it back.
Sometimes it's gone... And it's sad but people do fall out of love, perhaps try to get to bottom of dh's issues. Maybe he has fallen out of love too?
Maybe it's something else... Work worries, debt, health etc..

Myheartbelongsto Fri 24-Nov-17 08:00:29

Keep reminding yourself that he has a girlfriend.

He probably goes home at night and they laugh about you over dinner then she gets to shag him and they forget all about you.

DivisionBelle Fri 24-Nov-17 08:08:40

“Crush looks like he is sculpted from marble, he's an ex pro sportsman who is changing career. He's also clever and engaging.”

My guess is that he has been tne focus of many crushes.

Step back and imagine your colleagues sniggering at you mooning around after him. It can be SO noticeable if someone lights up a bit, or pays just that bit more attention when someone speaks... save yourself from humiliating gossip!

This weekend, carve out a bit of time to tell your DH how you are experiencing him at present. Ask if there is a reason he feels so shouty etc.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Nov-17 10:22:22

You’re husband sounds desperately unhappy. Is he depressed?

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