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Relationships

Still struggling with "Best Friend" attempted rape

21 replies

OwlyLady · 22/11/2017 19:47

September 2016 my best friend (who I thought was anyway) attempted to rape me in my hotel room whilst we was at a convention. I did report to the police but lack of evidence meant it didn't go anywhere and I have just started counselling too but really struggling on how I feel and coping with flash backs.

My DP is amazingly supportive but he gets so upset about it when I talk to him as he feels guilty for not being there.

I feel stupid as looking back on relationship with Best Friend its so obvious he was also emotionally abusing me. Earlier in 2016 I had tried to take my own life after a series of online bullying which now when I reflect on a lot of it was from best friend stirring. Best Friend tried to take me under his wing which at the time I thought was caring but now I see he was controlling me. He kept telling me what I shouldn't and shouldn't do.

I feel guilty as part of me wondered if best friend fancied me and I should have made it clear there was never a chance.

I also feel bad as he had previously made unwanted sexual comments which he always said was banter between friends so I feel like I should have known.

I feel guilty because I decided to go to the convention so last minute. I shouldn't have gone and stuck to original plan.

I also feel guilty as I was drunk. I didn't lead him on and I never gave him consent. But even the police asked "were you drinking that night, how much did you have" and when I explained I had their response was "you should have been more careful"

I struggle with flash backs over a certain smell which is unfortunately a common one, Sure Orginal Mens deodorant. And I have them when I'm hugged my by DP unexpectedly in bed (he can't help it as he just looks to hold me in his sleep). I also really struggle with any fat ginger men as that's what he looked like, I'm literally terrified of them.

Periods are an issue for me too as only reason rape didn't happen was because I had a tampon in from my period and it crossed him out. I feel this weird sense of protection but also complete repulsion when I have one.

Really just need some advice on how to cope and needed to vent a bit too. DS is 5 months and I've been using him as my safety thing to grab when I feel a flash back coming on or a panic attack. I feel so bad as one time when he was only 4 weeks old I held him so tight he screamed in pain and DP had to fight me to take him off. I worry I'm gonna inflict pain on him either physically or emotionally.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 22/11/2017 19:55

Are you in contact with Rape crisis?
You need help, has your GP referred you anywhere?
It was not your fault.

OwlyLady · 22/11/2017 19:56

Probably should also add that I lost all my friends by going to the police as the vast majority either didn't believe it happened or I was attention seeking. The few who I think did believe me then left me alone for fear of losing everyone else. I received a lot of hate from these once friends. Feel so rejected by them too.

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OwlyLady · 22/11/2017 19:56

Yeah GP referred me to CALA who I am now seeing after waiting for a year on their waiting list

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AiryFairy1991 · 22/11/2017 20:03

Firstly, you have nothing to feel guilty for. I am so sorry you’ve been through this and I hope the counselling can give you more coping mechanisms.

I don’t have any experience personally and I’m sure more posters will be along soon who can offer more support, but I wanted to let you know that none of this was your fault and offer a hand hold. Flowers

OwlyLady · 22/11/2017 20:04

Thank you x

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Bekabeech · 22/11/2017 20:44

Those “friends” aren’t worth anything.
They sound both immature and not worth investing in.
You need to look for new ones. Those ones showed their real characters.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 21:53

It's so difficult when it's someone you trusted and thought you knew. You are absolutely not to blame for this in any way.

There are some really effective therapies for trauma and PTSD now - EMDT is meant to be very good and works quickly. Maybe have a look at what's available in your area - you may have to pay for it but worth it if you can get help to move on from this.

I've been where you are and I promise it gets easier. I've had abuse flashbacks since my childhood, sharing a bed with any partner used to cause horrendous flashbacks and nightmares. Haven't had one for years now. Hang in there x

Angelf1sh · 22/11/2017 22:17

I can’t offer anything helpful but I’d certainly ask your boyfriend to use a different deodorant from now on. It sounds like you’ve got ptsd and that’s a trigger that’s avoidable. You can’t stop getting periods, you can’t stop the possibility of seeing ginger-haired men, but he can absolutely stop buying Sure deodorant. He can also stop making it about him and his feelings of guilt when you want to talk about what you went through. You need to talk to him imo.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 22:58

Depending on your circumstances, you could maybe consider a form of contraception that temporarily halts your periods (or tricycling the pill so you have them less frequently) - might help while you're working through things in counselling x

OwlyLady · 23/11/2017 01:36

Thank you all.

Angelf1sh luckily he doesn't use that deodorant. I only know it's that one that sets me off because one time he accidently bought it instead of his usual one. He instantly threw it straight into the bin.

TammySwansonTwo I shall perhaps go back to my GP? They have been helpful with my depression in the past with offering services. Sorry to read you've gone through crap x

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Slaylormoon · 23/11/2017 02:03

Years ago when I was 18, I was dating a girl and she was very pushy. It culminated in her sexually assaulting me, and despite our entire friendship group claiming to be super feminist and liberal nobody believed it was serious, or that a nice girl/any girl could do that to someone.

I'm sorry for all that you're going through but it will get better. You will meet friends that support you and won't take advantage. You are incredibly brave and I commend you for going to the police, I always regret that I didn't.

OwlyLady · 23/11/2017 07:44

Slaylormoon thank you for sharing your experience. Don't regret not going to going to the police. It was a horrible experience that has left me feeling stupid and got me so much hate from people, especially when the case was dropped as they all thought it proved his innocence

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Slaylormoon · 23/11/2017 11:01

@Owlylady it's definitely what you should have done, I imagine if you hadn't people would only have said that would prove he was innocent too. Sad

Huskylover1 · 23/11/2017 11:53

I'm no expert, but do you think you didn't give yourself time to process this at the time?

You must have got pregnant just 2 weeks after this attack. It's okay to have a break from sex when you are traumatised. It would be okay not to be held in bed by your Partner, if you don't feel like it.

OwlyLady · 23/11/2017 12:19

Huskylover1 fell pregnant a month later.
Should I not have continued with my plans with my DP then on having children? Am I to feel guilty also for feeling okay to have sex with the man who makes me feel loved? Am I wrong then in having my DS when I'm still emotionally struggling Sad

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TalkinBoutWhat · 23/11/2017 12:25

OwlyLady, I'm sure Huskylover isn't saying you were wrong to do that at all. I think she was concerned for you, a big difference.

You tried to slot back into your old life, when you had just been traumatised. Having sex with your husband wasn't wrong, but could have been triggering. Only you know if it was or wasn't. But only YOU should have been the one deciding whether to take a break from sex or not.

Giving birth can be rather undignified and intrusive and it would be completely understandable if it caused fresh trauma over existing emotional wounds.

Wanting to slot straight back into your old life is understandable, but sometimes it is better to take a break and allow yourself time to heal.

EngagedWithALeaf · 23/11/2017 12:29

EMDR Therapy was a life changer for me - see if you can get a referral.Flowers

OwlyLady · 23/11/2017 12:42

EngagedWithALeaf thank you I'll take a look into it.

TalkinBoutWhat I kinda feel that being told what I should have considered over a year ago is only making me feel worse right now. I did make those choices and I can't go back and change them now and I wouldn't want to as I love my DS

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Huskylover1 · 23/11/2017 12:44

No, no, of course you weren't wrong to carry on with your plans. As long as that's what you wanted to do. I wouldn't want you to feel that you weren't entitled to just look after you for a while. If that makes sense!

joystir59 · 23/11/2017 12:54

Stop calling him your best friend for a start. He is not any kind of a friend. Go to rape crisis and seek counselling to unpick and recover from this abusive journey with this man

OwlyLady · 23/11/2017 13:07

Huskylover1 it does make sense. Thank you x

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