September 2016 my best friend (who I thought was anyway) attempted to rape me in my hotel room whilst we was at a convention. I did report to the police but lack of evidence meant it didn't go anywhere and I have just started counselling too but really struggling on how I feel and coping with flash backs.
My DP is amazingly supportive but he gets so upset about it when I talk to him as he feels guilty for not being there.
I feel stupid as looking back on relationship with Best Friend its so obvious he was also emotionally abusing me. Earlier in 2016 I had tried to take my own life after a series of online bullying which now when I reflect on a lot of it was from best friend stirring. Best Friend tried to take me under his wing which at the time I thought was caring but now I see he was controlling me. He kept telling me what I shouldn't and shouldn't do.
I feel guilty as part of me wondered if best friend fancied me and I should have made it clear there was never a chance.
I also feel bad as he had previously made unwanted sexual comments which he always said was banter between friends so I feel like I should have known.
I feel guilty because I decided to go to the convention so last minute. I shouldn't have gone and stuck to original plan.
I also feel guilty as I was drunk. I didn't lead him on and I never gave him consent. But even the police asked "were you drinking that night, how much did you have" and when I explained I had their response was "you should have been more careful"
I struggle with flash backs over a certain smell which is unfortunately a common one, Sure Orginal Mens deodorant. And I have them when I'm hugged my by DP unexpectedly in bed (he can't help it as he just looks to hold me in his sleep). I also really struggle with any fat ginger men as that's what he looked like, I'm literally terrified of them.
Periods are an issue for me too as only reason rape didn't happen was because I had a tampon in from my period and it crossed him out. I feel this weird sense of protection but also complete repulsion when I have one.
Really just need some advice on how to cope and needed to vent a bit too. DS is 5 months and I've been using him as my safety thing to grab when I feel a flash back coming on or a panic attack. I feel so bad as one time when he was only 4 weeks old I held him so tight he screamed in pain and DP had to fight me to take him off. I worry I'm gonna inflict pain on him either physically or emotionally.
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Still struggling with "Best Friend" attempted rape
21 replies
OwlyLady · 22/11/2017 19:47
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