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feel like my life has fallen apart

(56 Posts)
rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 18:50:52

my fiancé broke up with me on Saturday. his reasons were that "he's tried but it's not working" and that he can't handle the fact I don't like many of the same movies or TV shows as he does, and that he thinks I don't trust him. I'm beyond bereft. there is physical pain in my chest and it's a real struggle to even get out of bed. I'm going to copy and paste below something that I wrote about it while trying to while away the hours before bedtime. reading it back I sound so stupid (please don't be harsh on me in your replies, I honestly feel so broken. I just go to work, come home, cry, go to bed, go to work. and it's my birthday next Tuesday) but for the first 3 years or so of our relationship he treated me like absolute gold, I had never met someone who I got along with so completely or loved so much and who loved me so much in return. I really and truly 100% thought this was "it" for me and he was who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I never worried about him leaving me or doing anything wrong, I trusted him implicitly. I can't even scratch the surface of how well he treated me during those years, the wonderful things he used to say and do. it was effortless, we had no problems. (as a sidenote, no DC, we both work but he makes more than twice as much as me and I can't afford to rent either our current apartment or anything anywhere nearby on my own.)

things changed when he got a highly stressful job (teaching, he has since left that profession but his new job is stressful too and has a bizarre culture of breakups and affairs). I first caught him messaging an 18-year-old girl (he was 24 at the time I think) he met on Omegle, he used a secret phone for it and would mostly message her at night while I was asleep, or while he was supposedly at work. I finally found the phone one night hidden in a drawer while I was putting laundry away and he acted so devastated, threw the phone away, apologised over and over and convinced me it was a a stupid mistake caused by his mental health problems (they did spend a lot of time talking about their mutual depression - I have also been depressed and even occasionally suicidal for a lot of my life but I had/have NEVER cheated). it was so convincing that I believed him even though it crushed me and boy do I feel stupid now.

over the years since then I have caught him buying and hiding sex toys twice, sending strange/inappropriate messages to a few coworkers, and messaging a friend of someone he knew who was a "professional dominatrix" (I wish I was joking), and in the messages he told her he had "recently started seeing someone" (we had been together for years by then, so he certainly wasn't talking about me) and wanted specific tips on having a BDSM relationship. that was news to me. every time I caught him he would cry (or sometimes get angry) and just say over and over again that he "didn't know" why he did it. every time he would eventually get angry at me for being upset and ignore me and shut me out completely. I mean, what was I supposed to do? how could he "not know"? but every time I let it go, I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. the stress and worry would make my heart pound out of my chest and my whole body physically shake and tense up and I just wanted it to go away. just tonight I found a fully naked posed picture of him on our desktop computer (I rarely use it as I have my own laptop), along with a folder of porn when he reassured me he hadn't watched porn since we got together (it's the constant lying more than the actual porn that's getting to me). I think it's pretty obvious there's only one reason to take a photo like that.

he has also increasingly been distant, lying about where he is and what he's doing (he lied a LOT and not only about cheating, he also lied about a previous job right up until the last minute when we had to make a downpayment for an apartment rental and he suddenly admitted he hadn't made any money), and in deep depression which he refuses to properly see anybody about or take his medication for, and has missed doctors/therapy appointments so many times. during the time he took his citalopram correctly/regularly there was an improvement but he thinks he "doesn't need it", or anything else, now (doctors and therapists would disagree). he is ALWAYS on his phone and on the one or two occasions he accidentally left it in the same room as me he rushed back in and snatched it up even though I was nowhere near it and it has a lock on it. he would get mad at me and make me feel guilty for being "paranoid" that he might be doing something behind my back but can you blame me after all the things he did? but it was all interspersed with months and months where we were really happy and he'd want to spend so much time with me and would randomly buy me little surprise gifts and treat me how he used to and talk about being excited to go on our honeymoon and it would be enough to make me think things were getting better and it would be okay. then something else would go wrong.

honestly I loved him so much, I don't know what I'm even going to do with my life now (literally - we were going to buy a house together next year and now I have nowhere to live). I never thought he would do anything like this. in fact every single time he did it I never thought he would do anything like it. every single time was a horrific shock and ground my self-esteem into the dust, even moreso when he refused to talk about it or explain why he did it. I know I was stupid for staying with him but I really wanted us to get married and be happy (he was the one who proposed and cried with happiness when he did it, he booked the wedding venue where we were supposed to be getting married in 5 months' time, he brought home tons of brochures for our honeymoon which we were so excited about and which he said there was nobody on earth he'd rather visit that place with than me - now I don't even understand why he bothered while he was doing all this in the background). I asked him why he acted so happy on our holiday two weeks ago letting me think things were okay and why he told me he loved me and talked about our future house and about going on holiday next year two days before he broke up with me and he said he was "indulging me". he's ruined my life and will barely talk to me but had the balls to say he's "upset too". he's completely 100% changed from the person he used to be. he tried to make me think that was my fault but actually I don't think I deserved any of this.

he promised me he'd never lie to me or hurt me but for the past few years that's pretty much all he did.

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 22-Nov-17 18:54:06

Why do you love this cheating liar? What do you think love is?

You could well be obsessed with him. You might be scared of being alone. But love?

He has betrayed you in so many ways. That is not lovable. He lies and cheats and takes photos of himself naked for others to wank over. That is not lovable, either.

What is it that you love?

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 18:58:12

I don't know, MyBrilliantDisguise. the way we were at the start was something to love but I agree that this is nothing like the way it was anymore. I'm grieving the loss. with this, every single person I've ever dated has cheated on me. it makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong but I don't think I am. then again I am clearly a horrific judge of character. I just don't know.

randomer Wed 22-Nov-17 19:01:29

For God's sake you are worth more

Fluffypinkpyjamas Wed 22-Nov-17 19:04:07

You are well rid. What a loser.

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:07:16

thanks guys, you are right that I deserve better and I do recognise that in myself but it segues into my second problem that I have no friends. we were so insular. I get along well with my coworkers and we always have a great laugh but I feel on the outside of the "real" friendship groups. there's nobody I could call up and cry down the phone to. it's just been a tough few days.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 22-Nov-17 19:07:23

Woah, I haven't even read to the end and just think you are better of without this cheating piece of crap.

It is natural to grieve the loss. Do you have friends in real life you can reach out to? Have big sob over a glass of wine?

I PROMISE you, you will feel better. You will look back and wonder 'Why did I ever settle for that? I deserve so much better.' It may take some time, but it will happen. Wait for the rage to kick in, it actually really helps!

I was dumped from a great height by someone I thought was the love of my life (for about 15 years off and on). Changed my entire life for him. My perfect world started to crack when I refused to pay 50% of the debts he had accrued with his ex, because it 'Him being sorted would help us get back on our feet together, quicker.' confused

He dumped me about 4 days after that.

Cried my eyes out for days, ended up moving back in with my Mum. Realised a few weeks later what a selfish, lazy arsehole he was.

You can do this. You're just in shock right now. Have you spoken to your family?

monkey42 Wed 22-Nov-17 19:09:35

Gosh your relationship sounded like hell.
You should be very pleased you didn’t marry him and I don’t think it will take you long to realise what a narrow escape you had.
Look after yourself and look forward to your life ahead, which will be a million times better than if you had stayed with him.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 Wed 22-Nov-17 19:10:08

OP you have to see him for what he is.
He's a liar, a cheat and has, actually, done you a massive favour because it seems that you would never have split with him, despite his behaviour.
You would not have been happy with this man. Where would the trust be?
The pain will go. You will feel better.
You are much much better off without this prat.

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:14:31

thank you GreenFingers for sharing your story and your kind words flowers I think shock is definitely contributing a lot!

unfortunately I don't have any IRL friends who I could do anything like that with, I get along well with my coworkers at my newish job but I don't have anybody who I could cry with, I feel on the outside of the "real" friendship groups. I have told my parents and they are devastated, they treated him like a son a lot of the time at the beginning and have done a lot for us as his own family are dysfunctional and horrible (his old therapist told him most of his issues and depression spring from a rocky upbringing). I will probably have to move back home as I simply can't afford to rent anywhere but there isn't much room at my parents' house and they live on the complete opposite side of town so getting to and from work will be difficult (equally I wouldn't want to quit my job or anything like that as it's the only social life I've got).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 22-Nov-17 19:26:39

It's OK to move back home for a bit. I did it aged 42 and swallowed the humiliation. But I don't know how I would have got back on my feet otherwise. And it has actually made my relationship with my Mum much stronger as it was a bit fractured before (although I have now moved out into my own place). How long would your commute be from your parents' house? flowers

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats Wed 22-Nov-17 19:28:53

One day you will look back on this and think holy fuck thank god I didn't marry him I wish I hadn't wasted so much time.

He sounds a total creep and probably has an account on fab swingers.

The reason you likely have stayed so long is because you don't have a friendship group, so were likely quite co-dependant on him. If I were you I'd try build a friendship group through people at work or get in touch with old friends or start groups. All my friends who started crossfit have made loads of new friends. You need more in your life than just a partner.

Sorry to ask but have you had a std test recently?

Lastly you deserve better than him. Friends, a better man who treats you better. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Fuck him!

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:30:05

GreenFingers thank you, my parents have always been really loving and supportive to me (although I'm finding it so difficult to find the words to talk to them right now, I know that sounds horrible) so it's not so much that my pride would be hurt, it's more just... I thought I would be married and happy and buying our own home, but instead I'm having to start from square one on my own. if that makes any sense. I'm just so sad. currently to get to work from where we live now it takes about 15 minutes tops, from my parents' house it would definitely take over an hour, and as my shifts sometimes start at 6AM or finish at midnight that would be difficult (public transport doesn't run all night where I live so it could potentially cost me £15+ one way via taxi to get there). it's just all such a nightmare.

Imalloutofoptions Wed 22-Nov-17 19:33:49

Wow. I know it's a cliche but he has done you a favour. What a creepy weirdo he is, you are well shot of him. There will be someone for you, you can have the house and the honeymoon and the lovely life with someone else. Someone who deserves you, not this douchebag.

Could you look for flat shares in your area so you can stay at your job?

Toprate Wed 22-Nov-17 19:34:06

What about a room in a house share? That's much cheaper than renting a place on your own and bills are usually included.

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:34:21

Fucksake, I would love to build up better friendships with the people I know at work but ridiculous as it sounds I don't really know how? I know they LIKE me and enjoy chatting to me at work (we have been in tears of laughter many times and a few of them seek me out any time it's a bit quiet to chat more) but I don't know how to move things on from there and hang out outside of work. I feel like I am sometimes too full-on when I meet new people because I really want to be their friend and it's probably offputting (apologies, I know that makes me sound like a freak!). there is a workplace Christmas dinner coming up on December 9th that pretty much EVERYONE is going to so maybe if things go well there I might get more chances to socialise with people from now on. (you could probably tell from not only this response but all my previous responses that I'm quite an anxious and unsure person so it makes things a bit difficult, sorry.)

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:36:17

Imallout and Toprate, I did look for houseshares but the only one I could find anywhere near my job was less than a month less than having an apartment all to yourself (which I would prefer due to being highly anxious and an exceptionally light sleeper) and without bills included. I will keep an eye out but anything and everything in that area gets snatched off the market quickly.

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:36:44

*less than £100 a month, sorry typo

swansong81 Wed 22-Nov-17 19:41:37

He’s a fucking wanker (putting it lightly) why do you even want to be with him? Seriously!!!!

Imalloutofoptions Wed 22-Nov-17 19:45:06

In that case, are you allowed to sub-let? (If you have more than one room.) Your relationship with your colleagues sounds lovely! Give it some time and friendship may develop.

Obviously, sorting out your living situation is really important but maybe try and do some small things that make you happy in the short term. I had a break from my BF earlier this year, it was my choice but I was so sad. I started using instagram as a temporary distraction, it took my mind off things and it was a small positive thing I could do.

cherryontopp Wed 22-Nov-17 19:53:03

How can you love someone like this?
This is not a one off, seems like its been going on for years. How have you been trusting him and getting back with him?
Your self esteem must be really low.

After all his lies and betrayal and apologising and making excuses each time....he puts it down to not liking the same tv shows and movieshmmseems like hes met someone else and wants out quick.

You shouldn't be upset and grieving over the loss, you should be angry at him for treating you like shit for years and be angry at yourself for letting it happen.

Hold your head up and be glad that this tosser isn't part of your life anymore

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:56:33

Imallout we're currently in a two-bedroom apartment but unfortunately the landlady wants to put it up on the market in February, so either way I have to get out! it was a good idea though flowers

my coworkers are all genuinely lovely people, I did tell one of the managers (although for some reason I made out like I was less devastated than I really was/am, I sometimes find it difficult to really let on when I'm struggling with something) and he was very nice and kept checking up on me and acted a bit goofy for the rest of the day to try to cheer me up. I think if I was able to open up to some of them about how I really felt about this they'd be supportive but I always hate to burden people with my problems. I'm usually the one people go to for support and a friendly ear, not vice versa!

I love instagram! all my most recent posts are of our lovely holiday though, alas. I might start tackling my big pile of unread books though. reading always used to bring me so much joy.

rowlett Wed 22-Nov-17 19:58:51

cherry honestly my self-esteem has been in shambles for years, before I met him even. when we first got together he made me feel really happy and great about myself for the first time in so long but, well, back to square one now I suppose. I'm definitely angry at myself and at him, but right now I'm just really sad too.

SandyY2K Wed 22-Nov-17 20:05:36

Why are you upset over this serial cheater? You should have finished with him ages ago ... he's nowhere near good enough to be a husband.

If you did marry him he'd have done more of the same.

It just looks like desperation when you repeated accept such behaviour.

CityOfStars Wed 22-Nov-17 20:07:46

I didn't even get to the end before thinking "I'm so thankful this girl isn't with this horrible man any more".

OP, four months ago I felt as you did now. I was with someone who I ADORED and IDOLISED for two years, and had had a crush on him for five years before that. I would have done anything for him. It was the type of relationship where I would end up apologising to him, for things that he had done wrong, because I was so scared of losing him. And then one day he broke up with me because he didn't think we were compatible and I'm not joking when I say I thought I was going to die.

I was physically sick, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even see straight for the first few days. I went to work and honestly just stared at the computer for 9 hours.

I'd go to the supermarket and break down and strangers would stop and ask if I was okay.

And then about two weeks into the break up, I started to see that piece of shit for what he was. He was emotionally abusive and not only that, but I thought, why the HELL do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me? F that. I am worth so much more than to be someone's afterthought.

I never ever ever thought I would be okay again. I really didn't. And now a few months later I have NEVER been so grateful to anyone than what I am to him for ending the relationship and giving me my freedom and self-worth back.

I PROMISE you that you'll get over these awful feelings you're going through right now.

Go into YouTube and watch Susan J Elliot's videos on relationships and read her articles too. She honestly got me through my break up!

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