Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
MIL alone on Christmas(26 Posts)
My divorced MIL in her seventies has recently become housebound and practically bedbound. Poor state of health for several reasons. Broke hip and now struggles to walk more a one step and is petrified of falling over. has carers come to her home to dress, wash and bring her meals and snacks etc.
DH and I have just separated. Totally different kettle of fish. Anyway, MIL has 3 children: DH, DBIL and DSIL. I will spend Christmas day with my parents. DH says he will stay at our house on Christmas Day and is likely to visit his M for a few hours and watch some TV with her. DBIL and partner are not local and own dogs that they could not bring to DMIL's house as she does not want the dogs messing in her house/garden. DSIL lives pretty local to her DM but she has one DC and says Christmas Day is her only day in the year that she can stay indoors all day and not drive anywhere and therefore have a few alcoholic drinks. DMIL needs a toilet nearby and needs her carers to come in as usual to help her with dressing and making sure she has drinks and food put in front of her. This means DMIL will most likely be alone on Christmas Day. I find this really uncomfortable and sad. It really would not be that much trouble to try to make DMIL's Christmas Day enjoyable. Would it? I can't get over how selfish her 3 DC are likely to be on this one day of the year. Historically DMIL is/was a a massive fan of Christmas and would prepare the house, decorations, food and stuff weeks in advance. This year she'll be lucky if she gets a telephone call and her paid carers calling on her. It makes me cry.
Do you get on with her? Can you visit her?
How will she be alone? I thought you said your DH was going to see her?
To be honest my Gran had had enough after 2 hours of company, Christmas Day or not. She would ask to go home or for us all to go home.
Is she a person who needs company or is she comfortable being alone?
Why isn’t your DH spending more time with his mum over Christmas?
Seems odd to just go for a few hours and spend the rest of the day alone at your house.
Can you visit for an hour separately from your dh, so it will lessen the time she is alone?
Aw, that's sad. Are you close enough to bring her over a plate of Christmas dinner and spend an hour?
This is why I dread growing old. I'd rather just be put down.
btw the children sound like selfish cunts. Unless there is a history where she was a horrible mother or something.
I spent one Christmas Day on my own, in my thirties and all I ate was a slice of toast. Any other day it would have meant nothing, but boy did it fucking hurt that day.
Your ex is going to spend time with her on Christmas Day, spend a few hours there and watch TV with her. That's OK, isn't it?
I know it's not the family Christmas we're all convinced is the norm but she may be quite happy with that and it may be all she can cope with.
It sounds like it would not be comfortable/ easy to get her to someone else's house, I don't see the problem with what your DH is proposing.
As DH and I separated by weeks ago I am now living at my parents place with them. DMIL is housebound and doesn't leave her house unless hospital staff put her in a wheelchair and then a patient transport ambulance.
I have been told recently by DH that she doesn't know if she will see Christmas this year. A couple of months back she was very ill indeed. Perhaps DH has convinced himself she won't be here.
DH is the one who wants singledom back. I am sure he has depression. What married man in his 40s decides he'd rather be single? He wants to work his job then watch TV all day and night. Apparently I nagged him too much. Truth is I stopped nagging him years ago cos it only resulted in passive aggression where he'd do anything but the thing I asked him to do so I gave up.
I think DH should be stepping up all efforts and getting his siblings in place to spend a day together. Her absolute favourite thing is when the four of them are together.
I used to have a great relationship with her until my DH made his announcement. I'm embarrassed and don't feel I can let myself into her house anymore. She can't answer the door and it would not be appropriate for me to visit if DH or DMIL are already there. One small room with only one chair. It all feels so alien to me.
Frog I think DH is sulking because he wants to single and I am do fed up with him treating me badly I just kind of said OK then. He now doesn't know what he wants to do so he's not doing anything to move forwards.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. You can make your own decisions about your own actions but the actions of your ex are no longer your concern and the actions of his siblings are definitely not your concern.
Does she answer the phone? If you want to visit her you could let her know when you are coming and check she's happy for you to let yourself in. Or you could write her a letter. Shame to just drop her if you had a good relationship before, especially coinciding with her illness.
D SIL has cut me out of her life since late January because I argued with DH and she thought he was innocent and blame free. I tried and tried to get her to start communicating with me afterwards but she's adamant. The stress that caused in the house for me and DH I can't tell you. I actually apologised to her and asked for forgiveness.
A letter is a great idea. Thank you!!
I think you need to leave this to DH and his family
By the sounds of it you were constantly doing his share and he needs to step up or MIL needs to speak up
Let me deal with the worry and stress
Give her a call and send a gift and arrange a visit over the holidays
I think it's harder for you now to think about since the break-up is recent, but given that bit of information, lady, you need to leave them to it. If they can't care for their own mother, that's on them.
If this was a few years down the line when your emotions weren't so raw, I might say to go visit, but I think this would be very stressful for you and possibly for the MIL too.
What the siblings do is none of your business. Ex-DH is going to spend time with her so what you say about her being alone on Christmas Day is obviously wrong. I know from experience that many old people do not want a houseful of people all day long - it may be what ex-DH is proposing is fine by her. If you have previously had a good relationship with her and think she would appreciate a visit then arrange to go and see her when ex-DH is not there - although I don’t advise you spend the time moaning about his shortcomings to her like you have on here.
Oh, one more thing. If he's the one who wants to live a single life, he's the one who should be moving out of the family home, not you and the children.
The separation of myself and DH is raw as PP said. My views are affected by that. I do see it.
I have worried and perhaps overcompensated for my DH in the past and used to be the driving force in the frequency of our visits to her.
If I ask if he has spoken to her on a particular day the answer is no I spoke to her yesterday so I'll speak to her tomorrow.
Like another poster said not my circus, not my monkeys. they will do what they wish regardless of my concern/worrying/overthinking things.
My parents are kind to me (and my DH and DMIL) and my mum would has said she will/would happily have MIL over for a meal and or Christmas lunch but said she won't do that this year because of situation myself and DH are in now.
We separated 3 weeks ago. Very recent. Too soon to have any family encounters.
If my DH so much wants to be single he absolutely should be the one moving out so I can get on with selling the house and then we'd split the money but he refuses to go as he would feel like he has to be her 24 hour carer. He has too much to lose in his set up at our house. HE WANTS TO BE SINGLE! I moved out because I get too upset keep being ignored and made to feel bad that I was upset about him rejecting me and our married life.
I asked him to look into buying my share of the house. He said he does not know how to do that and he assumed the bank would not lend him the required amount but he won't make any telephone calls. This is an age old problem. He would not phone the doctor, dentist, hairdressers, hospital for appointments, utility providers, mortgage lender, burglar alarm company etc. He used to expect his wife to do all of it or it would be weeks/moths before he would finally make the telephone call. With all the extra work and phone calls he'll have when he is a single man perhaps he has had a wake up call.
If I go to visit MIL near Christmas I will take her a gift and card from me. I will politely just say how sorry i am that DH wants to separate and divorce and I'll keep in touch with her if she wants me to.
I have regarded MIL as a very kind person all the time I have know her. She is time generous and was an excellent baker before she lost ability to stand in her kitchen and make buns and cakes. One of her main regrets is that she now cannot make cakes and scones herself. She has very very exact standards when baking. She'd shop around different supermarkets until she found the exact precise ingredient she's used to using from her days as a young wife/mother. Tedious and pedantic about every little detail. I love this lady as much as my own parents. I've had her in my life for 24 years. I already miss seeing her.
If the house is in joint names you can force the sale
You should apply for divorce when your head is straight
Keep records of conversations etc
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.