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DS wants to live with his dad

(74 Posts)
darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 17:19:23

I've had an awful time of things from dh over the years in many ways. It hasn't been easy but I can't live like this now, I want to go.

My son however wants to live with his dad. (He is 11.)

There doesn't appear to be any way I can change this. I don't know what to do. To hold off the split were my first instincts but things are getting worse and there are other children to think of.

All I can think of is to let him know I love him and he has a home with me whenever he wants it.

HoneyWheeler Wed 22-Nov-17 17:27:45

Gosh I really feel for you. I haven’t been in this situation exactly but I can imagine it must be very difficult. I think what you have proposed is the best way - let him know he’s loved and supported to make his own decisions but that you are always there. I think that’s what I would have wanted my parents to do when they split.

donners312 Wed 22-Nov-17 17:30:10

Do you know why - is his Dad less strict? or do they just do more 'boy' stuff together?

ferando81 Wed 22-Nov-17 17:31:11

Very difficult situation .Tell him you love him and that he has a home with you but also put in an email or letter.So in 10 years time If he accuses you of abandoning him you have proof that you didn't and that even though he is very young ,that it was his decision

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 17:36:21

I think they have a strong bond. Hard to explain, really.

LML83 Wed 22-Nov-17 17:37:59

When I was young I worried my parents would split. And I would have to stay with dad while my sister stayed with mum because someone has to he can't be left alone.

I don't know if this is your son's thought but make sure he knows he will see dad, dad can look after himself, has friends and family for company etc just in case.

After that I think knowing he can always change his mind and email suggestion above is great idea.

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 17:40:22

It's a difficult one because given the choice, I don't think they should see dad because he is going to destroy me. I wish this was not so hard.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 22-Nov-17 17:45:41

It's a difficult one because given the choice, I don't think they should see dad because he is going to destroy me. I wish this was not so hard.

Why shouldn't they should see their DF?

At his age who he wants to live with should be listened to.

As hard as It is for you there is no rule tgat sats DC shoukd always live with their DM.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 22-Nov-17 17:46:25

*rule that states DC

GottadoitGottadoit Wed 22-Nov-17 17:48:14

How will he destroy you?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Wed 22-Nov-17 17:49:11

Bide your time op.
Ds thought he wanted the easy life at df(Disney Father's), then he realised he actually wanted boundaries and a proper home life..
Nc with him now - a year in December.

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 17:49:15

This isn't about gender piglet, it's about my dh's awful, awful behaviour.

WitchesHatRim Wed 22-Nov-17 17:51:36

In what way is his behaviour awful to the extent that you think your DS should never see him again?

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 17:55:53

Witches, is it relevant?

Off the top of my head. Slapped, pushed and strangled me. Took cocaine. Stole my medication. Refused to take no for an answer if I didn't want sex. Shagged a teenager on one occasion I know of and probably a few I don't. Arsehole about money. Arsehole about me working. Erm ... probably more, it's a long relationship.

OldWitch00 Wed 22-Nov-17 17:57:41

A work colleague had an open door (4 children) and maintained they could live where they wanted for as long as they wanted. The children went merrily back and forth all the time. Initially I thought this was crazy...but the children proved me wrong and grew to be lovely independent young people.
Let him go and let him know he’s welcome back.

Butterymuffin Wed 22-Nov-17 18:01:22

Piglet might be worth considering that when someone says their former partner is going to 'destroy them' there might be good reason why you would be wary about the kids living with them? Maybe just be open to that possibility instead of jumping straight in with a lecture?

zippey Wed 22-Nov-17 18:06:44

A child has two parents. Your DS loves you and he also loves his father. Don't you think it's as hurtful for DH as it is for you to be apart from the other children?

You'll have to come to a comprime regarding the children. Blocking them from seeing him will alienate them more against you.

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 18:08:50

Difference being that I haven't raped anyone, but hey ho, as long as Dad isn't unhappy.

GottadoitGottadoit Wed 22-Nov-17 18:10:54

It's not about the dad, it's about your son.

GottadoitGottadoit Wed 22-Nov-17 18:11:31

Of course you have to leave him.

gingergenius Wed 22-Nov-17 18:11:33

Sadly op the courts would consider your son's views as important. But in any case it would be suggested that you adopt 50/50 care which, unless there's a massive dripfeed here, would be the acceptable route.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 22-Nov-17 18:12:59

Piglet might be worth considering that when someone says their former partner is going to 'destroy them' there might be good reason why you would be wary about the kids living with them? Maybe just be open to that possibility instead of jumping straight in with a lecture?

Well without knowing what the 'destroy then means no one knows.

Could mean absolutely anything at All!

darkestevening Wed 22-Nov-17 18:13:35

I will see DS as the "non resident" parent.

Gotta from what I've described if you think that's a healthy environment for a boy on the cusp of adolescence to grow in, well, I don't know what to say really!

donners312 Wed 22-Nov-17 18:17:57

Personally i don't think a violent, drug abusing rapist is the best person to bring an 11 year old boy up.

Having gone through court loads of times though, i have learnt their decisions can be a bit weird so god knows what a court would decide.

I do agree with pp who say let him go (as long as he personally is safe and looked after) as he will probably realize himself what an awful person his Father is? or is this is DF way of continuing to control you?

choli Wed 22-Nov-17 18:18:13

Is your husband aware that your son wants to live with him? He may not be open to the idea of having your son full time.

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