Been married 10 years, 3 kids (one is preschooler), both have jobs - DH out 12 hours a day, I WFH around kids but it’s a job of significant responsibility. Life is busy. And we’re generally happy too.
DH is a good man. He cares for me and the kids. He has a stressful job but he ringfences it and is disciplined about leaving times and does school runs etc when he can to work around my changeable schedule. He earns way more than me but has never considered money should be shared anything other than equally. He does 90% of the cooking, as much tidying etc as me, does at least 50% of childcare including bum wiping and sick mopping and returning kids to bed in night and always has, and takes on some of the admin burden of certain activities etc so i don’t even have to think about them. But as I’m home i have to run the ship and be the one to drop work to collect kids etc - I absorb all the pressure really. And my job is stressful and highly responsible too, and requires me to give of myself for others. I do a lot of “giving” and putting myself down the pecking order. I can just about cope until things get tough.
Anyway, we’ve had a tough month as he has been very ill, in hospital for a week and slow recuperation. I managed everything including upset kids, logistics and supporting him. I’ve had to drop a lot of my things. Now we’re coming out the other side he is physically exhausted and needs to recuperate and I’m emotionally frazzled as well as darn tired.
Anyway a small incident yesterday - l unexpectedly started crying just before he left for the train, about me and the fact that I’m feeling fat and unhappy in my body at the moment (back story of an op which has meant i can’t do my usual activities) and instead of comforting me he literally backed out of the room saying “i have to go” and left for work.
It’s raised a huge number of issues for me - i feel completely rejected and i spent yesterday deeply upset about that rather than even beginning to address what upset me. And it’s brought to the fore that for all his many brilliant points, he’s always been absolutely crap at helping me when I’m sad, upset, emotional other than through practically things (he’ll cook something special for me for example and take the kids out for half an hour to give me space etc so i know he cares, but he cannot actually deal with my tears and cannot help me by being truly with me in these moments which is what i want/need. I absorb a lot of pressure and do a lot of putting people first so when the pressure valve blows i need somebody to physically and metaphorically hold me and it’s the one thing he just never seems to be able to do.
DH can home last night and said sorry for his reaction and explained he was late for train and can’t currently run for it as so unwell and panicked that i might need too much time :( which upset me (though i know how hard it has been for him and how he’s struggling to bounce back and so is feeling quite low himself) but i couldn’t really accept the apology because I’m sick of me being sad resulting in him having to always apologise for backing off on me and me having to a acceot the apology while never getting the emotional support i want or need in that momenT. I want a hug when im sad, not a meal cooking, childcare proxy for that, nor an apology i have to graciously accept later.
Any thoughts on where to go with this? I’m feeling the most upset i ever have about this.
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Relationships
Struggling with DH lack of emotional support
buzzbobboo · 22/11/2017 11:43
Sorry OP this sounds really tough for you 
. I had a 'd'h like this. Do you think he does actually care about you? When you say you share money equally, do you mean proportionately or 50/50? Call me a cynic but mine didn't really care past the first couple of years and children together. He then hid a load of his income, keeping us poor and at home until I discovered all the (many) lies and got rid.
Sorry - massive projection! Hopefully he's much better than that and maybe some counselling can help you get back on same track together? Or perhaps some counselling on your own to help you first? Sounds like you need support and he can't seem to give you that.
Sympathy op. In a similar situation.
I try to explain how I am feeling and it’s all suddenly about him and that I’m attacking his character 
. How is talking about how I feel attacking his character??!
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