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WIBU? DP and finances

(120 Posts)
Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 08:53:33

There's a big back story but briefly.

Last night I sent DP a text to say that I won't be lending him money, paying for stuff anymore.

We live apart and he still owns a house with his ex who he broke up with 5 years ago. I twigged last week (saw a letter addressed to them both) that they still have a joint account.

Over the past few months I've been 'lending' him £100 or more on a monthly basis. He turned up on holiday (that my parents paid for) with no money.

I pay for the majority of meals, takeaways and nights out because I earn 10k more than him.

Last night I kind of woke up. I'm subsidising him. He owns this house with his ex. I rent at double his mortgage. He stays at my house 4-5 nights a week and contributes nothing. I have 3DC's to support. WIBU to send him the text?

He has read it and completely blanked me, which makes me feel shit and like I've done something wrong?

Bluntness100 Wed 22-Nov-17 08:55:50

Huh? What a free loader. You did the right thing. The fact he is blanking you says it all. He was in it for the money. It’s not you that’s done something wrong, it’s him.

Happyemoji Wed 22-Nov-17 09:01:25

He's a ponce and taking money that could go on your dc. In that respect you're being unreasonable to your dc. Not one meal or night out on him. Come on wake up he's a user.

Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 09:02:16

I'm really hurt actually. We've been together almost 2 years.

I know he'll be angry with me but I'm at the point where I'm like 'so what?'

I'm not going to support two other people owning a house when I haven't got one of my own.

dantdmistedious Wed 22-Nov-17 09:08:15

You did the right thing! I take it hasn’t responded yet?

Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 09:14:36

Nope. Nothing sad

If somebody had sent me a message like that I'd be mortified and offering a solution to the issue. I'd feel terrible that I'd put someone in that position of feeling used. He clearly doesn't give a fuck does he?

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 22-Nov-17 09:16:27

Every penny you give him is a penny you could give to your children or save for their future.

How did you deal with him when he turned up on holiday, uninvited and without any cash? Didn't anyone talk about this with you?

Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 09:19:32

I covered it up, as we were with family and it was a significant occasion. I just paid for everything as I didn't want to spoil it. And transferred him £100.

What is wrong with me? Why did I sleepwalk into this situation?

Babyblues052 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:20:22

Does he pay you the money back to lend him?

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 22-Nov-17 09:26:30

If he's still got a joint account, I'd be questioning his entire relationship with his ex, tbh.

I think you're very kind and you've been lovely to him without realising that he's absolutely used you.

Butterymuffin Wed 22-Nov-17 09:27:00

Thank goodness you've twigged now! He is freeloading and it has to stop. Your kids should come first.

pog100 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:27:24

I don't know how you got into this situation, but the good thing is you have woken up to it now and you sound determined. Do not relent in any way. To be honest I think it shows a side of him that would should mean an end to the relationship but at the very least he needs to step right up and pay back what he owes you and share properly in future.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Nov-17 09:32:27

So you have 3 DC to support.
You put him up for 5 days and nights of the week.
You pay for everything.
He contributes nothing.
AND... you give him £100 a month!!!

WOW - I'm glad the scales are finally falling and you can see this sponging cocklodger for what he is now.

So dump him.
He's done a right number on you - time to turn the tables.

Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 09:33:12

brilliant I do question the boundaries with his ex. Frequently.

He pays it back when he can but he's been doing up his house for 6 months under the guise of getting a lodger. Which I was happy about as it meant he would have more money but it's not happened. I'm beginning to think it won't.

I'm so pissed off he hasn't replied. Do you think I should message him? Don't know what else I can say except you are coming across even more like a using twat by blanking me!

Butterymuffin Wed 22-Nov-17 09:40:53

Oh and his silence probably means he is hoping that if he blanks it, you won't actually follow through and enforce this when you're next together.

Hermonie2016 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:44:01

Wow, no you are not wrong! He is blanking you because he wants you to change your mind.Its manipulative of him.
A therapist has told me the sign of a toxic person is their reaction when you say No to them.

Please dont see this as a fault in yourself or believe you are unloveable. He is toxic but I am sure he appears charming on the outside.

Dont text again, try to get on with your day.I suspect he might reappear and pretend nothing has happened.You may assume he is sorry but unless he ACTS with regret ignore his words.
You deserve much better than this man.

Ellendegeneres Wed 22-Nov-17 09:46:34

Personally I'd treat him with the kindness he's treating you- I'd go radio silence.
What is there to say? I'd be mortified if someone thought they were bankrolling me. I'd be calling and apologising and seeing what I could do to put it right- including repaying all money.

So when he texts you next, unless it lays out how he's planning to pay you back, I'd not reply.
He's a user. You have your dc to pay for, he's a grown man, with his own house, capable of earning and paying his own way. The fact that he's leeching off a single parent with absolutely no shame says it all about him.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Nov-17 09:48:25

Hell no - don't text again.
Put the phone somewhere out of sight.
Keep busy.
Sit on your hands if you have to.
Come on here and vent - but DO NOT text him again.

Jumpinthepoolagain Wed 22-Nov-17 09:52:56

I'm at work so I won't text him.

I'm sat at my desk feeling bereft. It's the beginning of the end isn't it.

His reaction speaks volumes. I need to stay strong.

Butterymuffin Wed 22-Nov-17 09:54:23

Yes it's the beginning of the end. But honestly, you're better off out of it if this is how he behaves.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Nov-17 10:00:33

Well I'm hoping it's just THE END.
Time to put YOU and your DC first for a change.

So now, he'll continue ignore.
Or he'll turn up and be like nothing has happened.

If he does want to talk then he needs to start being financially responsible for himself.
That means, contributing to your household when he's there.
Buying a shop. Doing some washing. Cooking you a nice meal.
Has he ever done any of those things?

Rainbowqueeen Wed 22-Nov-17 10:00:40

Do not text him.

Words are more than he deserves. He deserves nothing more than your contempt.

You can't understand his actions because you are a good person and would not treat anyone else like this.

It still sucks and hurts but hold onto that thought - you are a good person

Iwantamarshmallow Wed 22-Nov-17 10:03:53

What is wrong with me? Why did I sleepwalk into this situation?
Don’t beat yourself up - it’s really easy to be taken in by someone you care about .
I agree with @MyBrilliantDisguise I think a joint account with the ex is very suspicious are you sure she is an ex. Do they still live in the house together ?

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 22-Nov-17 10:05:36

Don't text him. He's gone quiet in the hope you'll feel guilty. Has that worked for him in the past?

PollytheDolly Wed 22-Nov-17 10:08:15

Agree. Do not contact him.

What an arse.

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