Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling both angry and guilty for turning down sexual advances.

(26 Posts)
TiffanyDoggett Mon 20-Nov-17 23:54:40

He's not a sexually aggressive shit bag like so many husbands on this forum seem to be. What he is becoming though is a whiny irritating arse.

Here's a hint: if your pregnant wife has said at 17:00, in response to you coming on to her, "I'm not really feeling it but a massage would be nice" give her a massage and forget the sex. Don't repeatedly ask and then act like a wounded toddler when I finally snap and try to explain that it makes me feel both guilty and irritable in the extreme.

Honestly by the end of the evening I couldn't even bare a friendly hand on my leg as we watched tv.

Yes I'm hormonal and probably hurt your pride but fgs get over it!

nightshade Tue 21-Nov-17 00:01:49

Lol...I'm sure I'll get slated for being 'repressed'..

I always found a 'you rub mine I'll rub yours' kept things ticking along!halo

SleepingStandingUp Tue 21-Nov-17 00:04:35

But she doesn't want to rub his so why should she??

None touchy hugs OP. Tell him of he uses his none dominant hand and sots on his hand for a bit first it'll be like someone else is doing it.

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 00:04:37

That would be fine but he couldn't actually be arsed to give me a massage!

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 00:06:59

He's asleep next to me now. I feel bad for saying my piece (quite harshly) and then we didn't say anything else and he fell asleep. I hate going to bed on a bad note. Which takes me full circle with the angry/guilty thing.

nightshade Tue 21-Nov-17 00:12:34

She didn't say she couldn't be arsed rubbing his...

No hands touching or sex but if you give me a really good massage then I'll return the favour..

Moves their massage enthusiasm up a whole notch...

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 00:17:15

I would have liked a no 'sex' strings attached massage. Not to give an obligatory handjob as a thank you hmm.

I was so irritated by his carrying on I actually wouldn't have relaxed during the massage that never happened anyway.

I said repeatedly I wasn't interested. A massage wouldn't have changed that.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 21-Nov-17 00:33:24

She didn't say she couldn't be arsed rubbing his...
She told him she want in the mood and then later couldn't even bear him touching her. That implies she doesn't want to gives hand job to get a relqxong massage as she carts around their baby all day.

Op don't feel guilty. You should neverhave sex pit of anything but desire to have sex. Perhaps talk to him tomorrow at a ppont when you have time to talk and sex isn't an option.

vwlphb Tue 21-Nov-17 02:01:31

She's carrying their baby, isn't that enough that perhaps he could give her a massage without expecting some kind of sexual 'repayment'.

The idea of making sex into a transactional "you rub mine and I'll rub yours" commodity gives me a squinchy face.

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 08:00:19

I agree, I'd hate sex to become a transactional agreement. It hasn't been mentioned this morning. I hope he's got the message but at the same time I hope he's not feeling hurt. Feeling rejected is horrible but he should know better to keep pressing the subject.

silkpyjamasallday Tue 21-Nov-17 08:09:51

Don't feel guilty OP, you have zero to be guilty about. Your 'D'H on the other hand has a whole lot of guilt he should be dealing with, but will probably brush it under the carpet by the sound of it. He shouldn't be pressuring you or sulking because he didn't get his way, and if he carries on like this then you aren't ever going to want to be intimate. He should be doing nice things for you, like a massage, without expecting something back, you are currently carrying his child the least he can do is try to ease your aches and pains. You need to nip it in the bud now before the baby arrives and he may think you have no excuse to refuse his advances as you aren't pregnant anymore.

yowerohotesies Tue 21-Nov-17 08:17:40

Nothing to feel guilty about.
Yes he's a shit bag.
Of course he should know better.

Shoxfordian Tue 21-Nov-17 08:30:26

You're always entitled to say no to sex. Always. He's an entitled shitbag. Does he usually sulk or pressure you into sex? This is completely disgusting behaviour.

Don't feel guilty. Do feel angry.

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 10:22:37

He knows better than to really pressure me but I think it's the wounded male pride getting in the way as well as 'blue balls'.

Before I was pregnant we were better matched sex-wise but now I'd be happy with once in two weeks. It's not a long period of time in a relationship really. I don't feel sexy and sometimes feel prickly and don't want to be kissed or touched. This should be respected but somewhere along the way I feel like something has conditioned me to feel bad about it.

scottishdiem Tue 21-Nov-17 10:28:48

When one side doesnt want sex anymore and the other side reacts badly to that I am not surprised that so many relationships falter when children come along. Sex is not a right but for many it is a foundation of a relationship and going from regular intimacy to very little (its bad just now, you'll have many more months of this after the birth) so the foundation of the relationship is removed. When kind of undermines the reasons for having a child I think. You need to be less irritable and he needs to be less whiny and you both need to discuss what your relationship is going to be like for the next number of years when it comes to sex and intimacy.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 21-Nov-17 10:31:04

Personally I think trying to emotionally manipulate you into sex you don't want by whinging and sulking does make him a shitbag. Sorry OP

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 10:32:22

It's not our first child. We know the drill and I think sex every week or two is not going to kill our relationship. What certainly dulls the romance isa man going on about it when you've already stated 5 times you're not up for it that evening.

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 10:33:29

Maybe a few shitbag tendencies but he's not really a bad sort in the grand scheme of things!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 21-Nov-17 10:41:56

I wouldn't put up with this level of shit baggery. Any shitbaggery is too much!

scottishdiem Tue 21-Nov-17 14:08:15

"I think sex every week or two is not going to kill our relationship."

Fair enough and that is your point of view. Does your partner share it? I mean he turned whiny at a rejection, if that continues where will his behavior go next?

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 14:41:50

No he'd like it more often and more is normal for our relationship. However, pregnancy changes you temporarily and that should be respected.

I know it won't go anywhere from here. He isn't unfaithful and he won't up the whining or do anything worse. Like I said, he's not a shitbag really.

scatterolight Tue 21-Nov-17 15:06:17

I'm not sure that denying him sex but then saying a massage would be good is a reasonable swap? What does he get out of that? Does he get orgasmic pleasure from just touching you? Rebuffing sex is fine but it helps if you're willing to give him something back. In this case I think it should have been you offering the massage. Or just tell him intimacy is not on the table for a while.

TammySwansonTwo Tue 21-Nov-17 16:14:27

What does he get out of it? Oh I don't know, treating his pregnant wife like a human being going through physical difficulty for their mutual benefit, doing something nice for his wife who is no doubt sore and aching, having intimacy, not treating his wife like she's a wank sleeve? All of those things really.

Honestly, some men are fucking ridiculous. If they were the ones who got pregnant, do you think they'd be forcing their sore and exhausted selves to get us off when they didn't feel like it? Of course not.

She should have been offering the massage? Have you ever been pregnant?!

Men sulking about lack of sex is severely unattractive.

TiffanyDoggett Tue 21-Nov-17 16:52:23

Too right Tammy. Some of these responses make me think mumsnet really has changed.

AngelsSins Tue 21-Nov-17 18:36:34

scatter you have an extremely male centric view of sex. Denying HIM sex? Is sex not for mutual pleasure then? Just something women allow men to do TO them rather than WITH them? Why should she offer a massage? By your own reasoning, what does she get out of that?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: