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Relationships

How do I 'turn off' the bond I have with NC twin?

22 replies

Nottheeviltwin · 20/11/2017 22:35

I've posted about my narc identical twin on here before. Went NC two years ago after years of low-level abuse includin always putting me down, saying noone would ever marry me, I'd never know what its like to be a mother (well, who would shag me?).
Culminating in her ignoring my DS's 1st and 2cnd birthdy, treating him like she treated me ie-as if he isnt good enough and finally the piece d resistance where she publically slagged me on social media to family and friends about my wedding, saying I looked a knob in my wedding dress.
So, thats the basic NC- I won't bore you with the whole story. I've accepted the fact I will never be good enough for her and her social climbing ways, its ok to be me as me isnt a bad person (many of her former friends have attested to this).
So I just crack on, doing my best and being happy!
Except we've always had that bond every most twins have. She chose to deny it as I embarass her, I embraced it. I've felt her labour pains (she told me she hoped it fuckin hurt and it was the closest I'd ever get as my life is a joke ). I know when she's in pain, when she was on the phone and I know when she is sad. I keep meeting her out walking the dog or at bonfire night. I feel this gut feeling if I walk into the shop and I know she's in there. and yup, I meet her and am duly looked down at.
I can't seem to switch it off. Over the last fortnight or so, the incidences of seeing her have increased, despite me trying to avoid it.
Last night, I walked the dog an hour earlier than usual as we often meet that way. I walked to the end of the park, and I knew she was close. So I turned around, retraced my steps and.....ran into her!
My friend said why don't you try saying hello. Because that lets her back into my head, where its all my fault for being me. The inevitable hurt and FOG I feel for not being the fuck up I need to be to make her feel better about her life.
Sorry for the long post, well done for getting to the end! Feel better for getting that out! Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
cherryontopp · 20/11/2017 23:03

You can feel her labour pains Hmmyou know when she's in pain...

...she says it will be closest thing you'll ever have to giving birth and puts you down constantly.

You both sound troubled. I would suggest to see a counsellor and talk through this.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/11/2017 23:06

Not all twins have a psychic bond. Hmm

m0therofdragons · 20/11/2017 23:17

My twins are 6 and know when the other is in pain. It’s a weird bond but that goes alongside you being individuals. I don’t think you can switch it off but instead except that you are different people and it’s okay not to be close.

There’s a real expectation that twins like each other. Mine often seem to prefer their older sister than each other. Could you spend more time with other relatives if you have the yearning for family closeness?

Nottheeviltwin · 20/11/2017 23:35

Thank you, I have seen a counsellor and worked through my issues, thats how I managed to go NC.Twin would not as she hasnt done anything wrong and is perfectly alright.
I'm aware not all twins have a bond, nor did I describe it as 'psychic'.
I think there is an expectation that twins are supposed to be close, we've never had that. I do spend more time with my close friends now and am lucky to have them.

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/11/2017 00:18

Move further away and block her and have no contact.

My friend did this with her twin initially then her whole family. She moved to the other side of the country then to the other side of the world.

She and her identical twin were very similar personality-wise when separate but very weird dynamics when together. They were very competitive with each other.

BubblingUp · 21/11/2017 02:16

Try visualization. "See" the rope-like bond between you all and visualize it being severed with scissors.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/11/2017 03:35

"Over the last fortnight or so, the incidences of seeing her have increased, despite me trying to avoid it."
She takes pleasure in putting you down. Her opportunities to do so are becoming more frequent. Could it be deliberate on her part? Is she 'stalking' you?

Nottheeviltwin · 21/11/2017 10:57

paranoid I have blocked her and gone NC, but I love living here, this is my home and near my elderly dad. I've tried avoiding usual places but then I think, well, why should I? I live here too, why should I move or not walk the dog where I choose to?
whereyouleftit she has a rather scary history of obsessively stalking previous friends (she tends to fall out with friends a lot). even going thru their mail. Its very likely she is stalking me to a degree, she used her sons fb to stalk me for long enough. Her choice really, live and let live is my motto!
I'll try visualisation, thanks! Its very frustrating as I have tried to change times I go out etc!
Thank you.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/11/2017 11:07

I am also NC with my viper twin and i must say I never bump into her. It's quite remarkable , I simply never see her. It's like there's a force field keeping us apart.

Suits me! I miss her dogs tho and wonder if I could somehow manage to accidentally bump into them

Nope, not had that psychic bond thing - no idea if she is ' in pain ' etc.

I've heard of prayer for breaking 'soul ties'. Maybe I've had those prayers somewhere along the line and I've forgotten. Maybe that's why I never see her.

Do you think your twin is stalking you?

zzzzz · 21/11/2017 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 21/11/2017 11:15

Move away? No, why should op!?

Nottheeviltwin · 21/11/2017 11:26

springydaffs I recognise your name, we've discussed viper twins before under my usual username! Thank you!
And you're right, why should I live in her shadow any more? I've spent my life on eggshells around her, trying to avoid upset, apologising for whatever imagined slight I caused. I
She is likely stalking me as she did with her friends. Obsessively.

OP posts:
Nottheeviltwin · 21/11/2017 11:27

Oh, and I miss her dogs and her son. But that was because I spent a lot of time caring for them.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 21/11/2017 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/11/2017 12:50

How are your relations with the rest of your family? My twin friend was always treated as the one needing looking after in the family dynamics whereas her sister was the more the one in charge.

She went NC with just about everyone as they all seemed to see nothing wrong in what was happening - or as if she was making a big fuss and an apology would make it all better.

Perhaps plan randomly so you can't both decide to do the same thing at the same time.

I'm not a twin but very close to my sister. She knows how to hurt me the most. She doesn't get on at all with our mother but they are very alike. Sometimes the family dynamics are a bit off and I imagine being twins is the same to a much greater extent.

meowimacat · 21/11/2017 12:54

This breaks my heart as I have twins myself and would hate to hear they went NC with each other. But I see why you have. Only thing you can do as others have said is to move away further from the situation. You can't publicly avoid each other. Does she want a relationship either? So sad.

springydaffs · 21/11/2017 13:15

What is more sad is what was going on before the estrangement, meow.

Now THAT was tragic. Routine, systematic, debilitating abuse.

Forgive me but it is rather trying that people generally view the twin thing as somehow wonderful. When to some of us it has been the single most appallingly destructive element of our lives. Some of us have been horribly and permanently damaged by it.

Nottheeviltwin · 21/11/2017 14:20

It is sad. Its heartbreaking. I've spent years crying over this, but apologising for being me. Always me who has to apologise.
Our family dynamics are messed up, going back to my grandma and aunties, sadly.
I am close to both my parents, my twin hates my mum , I have two other sisters, one of whom is lovely and balanced, the other is twisted and bitter. The bitter one and twin are best friends and are just vile to people. I can't be around that energy (and the joint cruel comments about my wedding), so I distanced myself from the bitter sister also.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/11/2017 18:14

It's very tragic and you know what - she must feel it too as she is stalking you a bit . It can't be a coincidence OP
I agree you should NOT move but I do think that Changing your habits is a start , try it for a few weeks

Treat it like a bereavement and grieve accordingly xxx you can't change her but you have to look after your own emotional wellbeing

Also no harm in Counsselling top ups OP

Nottheeviltwin · 23/11/2017 21:33

I think she does feel it too, deep down. Thats whats so silly about the whole thing.

Grieving is a good plan, let it go.

So far, changing my habits is working!

Thanks!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 24/11/2017 00:39

You know how mothers who are deemed to be abusive get short shrift on MN, unequivocally banished to outer darkness, regardless the circumstances? That's how I feel about my twin.

I am past feeling it is 'sad'. I really do mind people saying it's sad.

Who cares if she is obsessing to the point she has taken to stalking you? I doubt it's out of love. So quit giving her your emotional energy. You know about FOG, yes?

Nottheeviltwin · 24/11/2017 12:35

springydaffs Thats what I needed to hear! I'm giving her power by thinking about her, which I think is how I end up meeting her.

My counsellor says you cannot change how a person treats you, all you can change is how you react to that person. Ignoring is my best reaction so far, I think I need to 'banish her to outer darkness'!.

Thanks to MN, I'm aware of FOG and am trying to perfect the grey rock thing too.

OP posts:

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