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I know I need to give him space, help

(25 Posts)
missingmonkey Mon 20-Nov-17 21:42:44

I've fallen for a guy and fucked it up. He's not sure what he wants...

Help me give him space... motivate me not to text or call him please!

PurpleDaisies Mon 20-Nov-17 21:43:13

More details. What’s happened?

missingmonkey Mon 20-Nov-17 21:46:39

I want more, he got intense - then bang 💥 backed off. I got angry and exploded at him for leading me on. Says he hasn't and wants to be friends but just isn't feeling sure in himself for anything more right now and needs to figure it out

LesisMiserable Mon 20-Nov-17 22:01:27

How long had you been seeing each other before you exploded??

missingmonkey Mon 20-Nov-17 22:02:21

Few months but always the are we aren't we dance back and forth

Last time was the most intense

Charley50 Mon 20-Nov-17 22:08:56

I think it's so intense because when he rejects you, you feel so hurt and crave him, that when you get back together it's such a relief that it feels intense, and as if you're in love.
While all this is happening you dont have the headspace to stop and think 'hang on a minute, do I actually like this guy? Is he a good, kind person?'
He's probably emotionally stunted. I would let him go if I was you.

LesisMiserable Mon 20-Nov-17 22:15:06

Why do you need intensity a few months jn? That's your problem, regardless of this guy.

missingmonkey Mon 20-Nov-17 22:17:35

It wasn't exactly emotionally intense... it was just fun, exciting and a lot of each other... no proclaiming undying love intensity

Desmondo2016 Mon 20-Nov-17 22:19:10

Sounds more like a sex thing to me. Are you reading more than he is?

missingmonkey Mon 20-Nov-17 22:21:01

Yes. Is a sex thing... but he doesn't want it to be. So has stepped back.

Also a close friend

Phoenixfromashes Mon 20-Nov-17 22:24:33

Check out the Baggage Reclaim website OP - there are some great articles about managing this sort of thing and how to walk away with dignity

needtowomanup Mon 20-Nov-17 23:11:24

OP this could have been written by me. We’ve been having a wonderful, intense, time together and now he’s backed off.

He’s done it a few times and driven me mad with “I need to think” that lasted a few days.

We’ve been friends for over a decade and it was a chance coffee at work that resulted in me admitting I’ve fancied him all that time, and he has me.

The sex has been mind blowing and adventurous.

I told him I’ve fallen for him but he hasn’t reciprocated sad

We are having a “I need to think” time again.

He’s a bloody wonderful person, nicest man I’ve ever known, but he has some complications (kids etc) and I think he’s struggling to fit me in around work and his kids.

I’m terrified that I’ve lost him sad

Angelf1sh Tue 21-Nov-17 06:42:22

I’m fairly confident that he knows exactly what he wants - NSA sex with you. He’s not into you enough to have a relationship or he would be. He doesn’t want to end it because then the sex would stop. As a result, he’s picking you up and putting you down again so that you’ll gladly stay around for the chance of more sex but you don’t start thinking he’s your boyfriend. Basically he’s playing you for a fool and you’re letting him.

There’s nothing wrong with nsa sex but it doesn’t sound like you want it with this guy so my advice is to take control of your own life and make the decision to end this mess, don’t wait for him. Go nc, block, delete etc. Eventually he’d have met someone he did want to be in a relationship with and dumped you anyway.

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Nov-17 07:51:18

I think you need to take a massive step back & sweat it out. However it was intended, your outburst after such a short space of time has made him perceive you as slightly unhinged & I think he’s weighing up the risk v reward

ALittleBitConfused1 Tue 21-Nov-17 07:59:56

If a man is really that into you the other stuff doesn't matter. Friends or not, kids or not, work schedules or not. IME men who meet a woman they know they want don't need time to think. Sorry op he is either leading you a merry dance then freaks out when you make it clear you want more or he just isnt that into you. When your judgement becomes clouded by emotions don't listen to what his mouth saying (I'm confused/scared/ falling for you etc etc) instead take note of what his actions are saying. That will tell you all you need to know.

Isetan Tue 21-Nov-17 08:10:30

If you were on the same page, this wouldn’t keep happening,

You are as responsible for this push/ pull dynamic as he is, and just because you act like a puppet it doesn’t mean that you are one or that he’s the puppeteer. Just get off the bloody merry go round because staying on it, is a choice.

dailydance Tue 21-Nov-17 08:10:31

An ex of mine came out with the “I need space” line.. turns out it was so he could spend time with the woman he was cheating on me with. Not suggesting you’re in the same boat but be careful here.. he could be keeping his options open and that’s not a pleasant position for you to be in

needtowomanup Tue 21-Nov-17 19:29:37

I agree, they are keeping their options open if they “need time”.

Horrid realisation that you are “just a fuck” sad

MiracleCure Tue 21-Nov-17 20:14:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer Tue 21-Nov-17 20:23:06

Not that into you, and not a "close friend". He's an ex bf. No contact best.

kittensinmydinner1 Wed 22-Nov-17 07:12:43

I’m really sorry to say that people can’t ‘accidentally’ not love you. If he did then it’s not something he would have to ‘think’ about. He would be showing you in thought, word AND deed.

The very best you can hope for is that he finds having you around better than not. The only way to find that out is to be busy.. get on with your life.

Personally it wouldn’t be enough for me. I value myself as worth a lot more and would need someone prepared to work a bit in order to be blessed with my fabulousness!!

needtowomanup Wed 22-Nov-17 17:06:14

I have backed off and am suddenly getting messages... I’m replying as a friend and being friendly but cool.

Trying to claw back some self respect.

I wish I hadn’t fallen for a friend sad

Dozer Wed 22-Nov-17 17:10:10

He’s no longer a friend, cut off contact. It’s very easy to send messages: if he wanted a relationship with you he’d be having one.

needtowomanup Thu 23-Nov-17 16:08:00

How are you coping missing?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 23-Nov-17 16:27:54

So he was a friend.
You tried a relationship.
He's not feeling it and wants it all back the way it was?????
Is that the general gist?

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