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How to stop being so angry

(18 Posts)
BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 18:46:21

Hi, I'm a lurker but first time poster.
I'm not sure this is the right forum for this as it's not really about a single relationship but a series of things that have impacted my current relationships, IYSMIM.
To try to keep things brief:
I was raped last year by a co-worker. I did report it but honestly the interviews and tests made me feel so much worse that I chose not to pursue it and tried to move on. I found a new job and went on as normally as possible. Most of my coworkers at the new job went out regularly and I joined them. I realise at this point I acted very irresponsibly; I'd been feeling fragile and drinking far too much since the first assault but I just wanted to feel normal.

Anyway one night I was out with my coworkers and we all got far too drunk. I woke up in my male coworker's bed with very little memory of the night before. I was wearing my dress but not my pants (sorry TMI) but I figured I may well have ripped off my pants with tights in my drunken state. I left early and when we went back to work (after bank holiday) he was a bit off with me but insisted to another colleague who had been out with us that we hadn't slept together. I was quite relieved to hear that and although we weren't nearly as close as before I thought everything was ok. Until a few months ago when an old mutual friend of ours (who is much closer to him than me at this point) texted me saying "lol just had dinner with Xxx, can't believe you two hooked up!" I was totally blindsided as I genuinely had believed his insistence that nothing had happened. I confirmed with this friend, who isn't a shit stirrer, and she was appalled that I couldn't remember and said he hadn't framed it like that at all but rather as "mutual fun" and that he really liked me.

I am angry. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am so so SO angry. He lied to me. I realise I shouldn't have been drinking to the point of not knowing what was happening, and I am working on this. But I get angry every time
I see him. I told a trusted coworker and she told his best friend and next thing I know I get an angry message about how this man is his best friend and I'm clearly disturbed etc. Maybe I am. I'm just so confused and sad. I thought he was a good person but for him to blatantly lie to me it seems he's not...
Anyway now this has affected my relationship with multiple coworkers as some of them think I'm just trying to cause trouble. I do have a few friends who believe me but honestly going into work every day is a struggle and I feel sick thinking about what this man and his friends think about me.

springydaffs Mon 20-Nov-17 18:55:00

Have you spoken to Rape Crisis? Did you get any support after the first rape?

My heart goes out to you Bacon flowersflowers

Flicketyflack Mon 20-Nov-17 18:56:05

I am sorry to hear your story. I would suggest trying to get some help in the form of someone to talk to such as Rape Crisis. 💐

Flicketyflack Mon 20-Nov-17 18:56:29

Cross posted X

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 19:11:35

Thank you both. I did go to rape crisis after the first incident but the counsellor I worked with became ill and had to go on leave after two sessions and I just couldn't face opening up to another person. I know I should have and should do now as I realise I am not being rational. I just am struggling so hard to take the higher ground - Everyone still thinks this man is amazing and lovely and I think he's an awful selfish person. Or maybe what he did wasn't so bad. I don't even know anymore; my friend says just because I can't remember doesn't mean I didn't consent, after all people get Uber's while blackout drunk all the time and they obviously wanted to get them and pay. I always thought I was a feminist but now I feel so weak

Fightthebear Mon 20-Nov-17 19:22:01

Sorry for what's happened.

I wouldn't be sure that a second hand account that you "hooked up" meant that intercourse took place.

It could simply mean you got off with him and stayed over?

Toprated Mon 20-Nov-17 19:23:17

Yes I thought that about the term hooked up.

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 19:29:23

I did consider that and asked my friend if she was sure he meant we'd had sex. She said she was sad to say it considering what I'd since told her about having no memory but yes, she was sure. And it does track with me waking up with no pants etc

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 19:31:39

I didn't get off with him at all while sober.
What is torturing me is that I can't remember and maybe I did consent to some things when I was too fucked up to remember - I would truly prefer this to be the case. But it that is true why did he pretend nothing had happened?

Fightthebear Mon 20-Nov-17 19:41:44

That's very difficult. You have two different versions of what happened apparently from the same person, one direct and one indirect.

In general I'm more inclined to believe what I've been told directly, there's too much scope for misunderstanding when things get passed via a third party.

One option would be to confront him about the inconsistency but I can see how that might not help or be something you would want to do. Sorry.

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 20:20:08

I should ask him but I know what he'd say - he'd deny anything had happened until the moment I told him out mutual friend had told me and then he'd say it was no big deal. This is why I'm so angry. I feel like he assaulted me but he will deny it til his last breath. I will never get justice for this will I? And "justice" for me doesn't necessarily mean anything more than an apology. I just want him to acknowledge he mistreated me...

JoanLenin Mon 20-Nov-17 20:24:21

Lay off the alcohol.

heyday Mon 20-Nov-17 20:42:39

I guess you are never really going to know the truth are you? Are you on the pill as you didn't seem worried about becoming pregnant. Have you had STI tests done as, if sex did occur the chances are he didn't use a condom. Was he pretty pissed too? I think all inhibitions go out the window when alcohol is in the mix. Perhaps he genuinely doesn't remember for sure either. You allowed yourself to become extremely vulnerable. You have learnt from this dreadful mistake now try and get some counselling so you can begin to move on with your life.

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 21:17:12

You're right, this situation is my fault. There's nothing I can do to change it now. And yes I'm lucky that I was on birth control (for other reasons) at the time so I just need to move on.

BaconandWaffles Mon 20-Nov-17 21:17:52

Thank you all for your help flowers

Fightthebear Mon 20-Nov-17 21:35:21

Actually op, I don't think any of this is your fault at all.

I do think it's impossible to know what (if anything) happened in the second incident. Given you did not get justice for the rape by your co-worker it must be very upsetting to be left with this uncertainty about what happened in the second incident. But people do exaggerate sexual encounters for pathetic reasons so I would try not to assume the worst.

Tatiannatomasina Mon 20-Nov-17 21:51:59

Please dont start blaming yourself for this. He must have known you were mortal drunk. You were extremely vulnerable in that state and clearly unable to consent if you cant even remember it. He is an arsehole. You may never know what happened and you may never get an apology. You need to start looking out for you and what will help you, be it counselling or just talking it over with a friend. Time to knock the drink on the head until you can find some peace with this and start taking care of you x

springydaffs Mon 20-Nov-17 23:17:15

I do not believe any of this was your fault.

You thought you were with friends. You were too drunk to give consent - how many of us have been in that position and noone took advantage?

Be brave and go back to Rape Crisis Bacon. You need help unraveling this flowers

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