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What is DH playing at?

(59 Posts)
MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 15:40:31

So a bit of background here. Been with DH for almost 12 years, since we were teens. Married for 7 with two young Dd's. We've had our ups and downs but have a really good relationship on the whole.
I'm quite insecure about my looks and body. A struggle that has been with me since early teens and Ive been struggling since DD1 was born with the change in my body, seems to have gotten worse the past month or so. I look after myself, mainly eat well and exercise to try and be looking the best I can be.
DH has always said he thinks I'm gorgeous, can't believe he managed to get someone like me, work mates etc are always commenting how lucky he is. This isn't a stealth boast I promise just needs to be said for context.
DH knows how insecure I am with my looks and knows my struggles with my body especially how hard I've been finding it recently. However he's now taken to picking on things about me I've never even thought of in a kind of jokey manner but at the same time I feel it's not entirely a joke the way he goes on. The most recents were a couple of weeks ago when he continually commented on how I had a huge forehead, head spam, too much space there etc and then made fun of the shape of my head. It juts too far out at the back, I have a shelf there to keep stuff on etc. Last night he started commenting on the size of my ears. Apparently the holes in them are huge, like craters, could lose something in them etc. He could see he was hurting my feelings but continued to go on and on about it. I couldn't say much as both our daughters where there. I was very quiet for the rest of the night, just didn't know what to say.
I just don't know where it's came from or what to do. He's changed so much as a person this past few months just hardly ever has a nice thing to say to me, lots of petty arguments, picks holes in things I do. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel I can say anything to him either as it'll end up in a massive argument and he'll make me feel I've made a fuss over nothing. I know joking around is healthy and we have had an ongoing joke(absolutely years old from when we first met) about him having a big head. Not something that gets said a lot but it's commented on in jest now and then. If he'd ever hinted it hurt his feelings though it would never be said. Hes usually the first one to bring it up anyway. By surely this constant picking on me isn't right is it? Or am I being oversensitive?

Apileofballyhoo Mon 20-Nov-17 15:42:32

Sounds like there is something up, as his behaviour has changed. Any other changes?

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 15:49:36

Nothing as far as im aware. He is definitely more grumpy but when I've asked what's going on or if he's in he always just says nothings changed and he's fine.

Ellie56 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:50:00

Agree something has triggered his change in behaviour. What else has changed?

Shoxfordian Mon 20-Nov-17 15:50:40

Start giving back as good as you get

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:00:50

I wish I could pinpoint something that has made the change. I just don't know. The whole making fun of me in this way is very new and not something he's ever done before. It makes me feel like at some point I've let myself go and he's not attracted to me anymore. But apart from the tummy issue I have from having my babies I've not really changed much. Still the same weight, clothes size. Still look similar but 12 years and 2 babies mean I'm not a completely fresh faced teenager anymore!

hellsbellsmelons Mon 20-Nov-17 16:04:32

Is he on his phone more?
More secretive with it?

Joysmum Mon 20-Nov-17 16:06:11

If he does it again ask him if he realises how hurtful his comments are.

That can go one of 2 ways. Firstly he’ll apologise and make sure it won’t happen again. Or he can blame you for feeling hurt. If he does you need to ask why he isn’t upset he’s hurt you because you sure as hell would be devastated if you’d unthinkingly hurt him.

This now becomes all about his reactions to your feelings.

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:07:28

He's never off his bloody phone but that's not new. Constantly speaking to or messaging friends, acquaintances or work colleagues. He's not secretive about it either.

Joysmum Mon 20-Nov-17 16:07:39

Oh and what leads you to believe he’s so shallow that your looks are more important to him than who you are?

StormTreader Mon 20-Nov-17 16:11:07

Has he started staying at work later? Or going out to the gym more, or the pub, without you? Had any work trips away, or mentioned new people starting at work or working more closely with someone?

notanurse2017 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:11:21

First of all, staying quiet when he abuses you in front of your dds is just teaching them that your husband's behaviour is ok. Which it isn't. I'd pull him up on it, every time he makes a nasty comment.

Secondly this change in behaviour sounds very weird. There must be a reason behind it.

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:13:56

I don't @Joysmum it's just a big change from "MrsStinkey you're lovely" to "MrsStinkey your ears are huge". Especially when he knows how shit im feeling about myself lately.

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:18:28

His job involves shifts that start early and finish late mostly anyway. Any early finish he comes home, goes to s fitness class or gym which doesn't bother me in the slightest. He doesn't go to the pub ever unless he's with me. He works in a very male oriented environment. Not office based. More manual worker. Def no chance to meet someone or have an affair.

Joysmum Mon 20-Nov-17 16:19:45

But your self confidence issues came before the change in behaviour? Anyway, I don’t want to derail your thread as it’s not about that.

Do you think you could ask him if he meant to be so hurtful and take it from there?

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:21:25

Yes @Joysmum from early teens really.
I think I will speak to him tonight.

Cariadd Mon 20-Nov-17 16:23:02

Famous last words. If they have their head turned they always can find a way to have an affair. Both men and women. Commenting on you in a negative way can sometimes be a way of making themselves feel better about their lack of interest in you. He may always be on his phone but does he keep it with him now. Take it with him when he moves rooms etc?

tccat Mon 20-Nov-17 16:30:29

Ask to borrow his phone when he's on it, his reaction will tell you if he's up to no good and putting you down as justification

tiptopteepe Mon 20-Nov-17 16:30:49

That is strange! It sounds controlling like he purposely wants to keep your self esteem down. Is he worried that you are going off him or something? Is he jealous about something? It sounds very like jealousy.

Joysmum Mon 20-Nov-17 16:30:49

Best of luck. flowers

ToffeeUp Mon 20-Nov-17 16:46:26

Definitely pull him up when he is making these hurtfull remarks, they are not funny or harmeless banter or whatever. And you will be setting a better example to your daughters than when staying quiet and put up with it.

MrsStinkey Mon 20-Nov-17 16:48:30

Thanks @joysmum.
I really honestly cannot see it being an affair. Although if it was they'd be welcome to him.
Hopefully get to the bottom of it all tonight.

Beeziekn33ze Mon 20-Nov-17 16:56:17

Remind DH he's found your head and ears perfectly acceptable for years and they haven't changed. You say that was a few weeks ago, has he stopped mentioning them now? Maybe it was a clumsy way to take your attention from other aspects of your appearance which you were worrying about.
You sound sad, I hope things improve as your DDs will pick up that you're not your usual self. I'm sure they know they have a gorgeous DM! Chin up!

Dozer Mon 20-Nov-17 16:59:46

It concerns me that you have said nothing about his nastiness through fear of his reaction.

Also that your DC have witnessed him bullying you in this way. It’s not joking, it’s put downs.

Time to say something, and then don’t let it pass if he makes further remarks.

picklemepopcorn Mon 20-Nov-17 17:06:56

Work out a response- grown up and mature- and use it every time he starts.

Maybe-
'I’m surprised to hear you being so spiteful'.
'That's a horrible way to talk about anyone, especially in front of the children'
Why do you think is ok to say such mean things?

Say it really calmly. For some reason he's started getting entertainment from bullying you. It needs to stop.

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