Husband has been sexting

[FairyGal]

Hi, I haven’t posted on anything like this before but I’m too embarrassed to speak to anyone else. I found out last night that my husband has been sexting another woman for over 4 years. Sending explicit messages and pictures to each other. He’s sworn it hasn’t gone any further and I believe him but just feel so betrayed. I could maybe accept a one off but it’s the secret that’s hurting the most. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, we have a one year old and I want to be able to move past this. Any advice please?

[Justmuddlingalong]

4 years? And you call that a 1 off. Moving past this=a green light.

[Animation86]

Your husband has been having an affair. There's no point watering it down, and you should address it as exactly that.

[Josuk]

OP - it’s up to you what you want to do. You can chose to believe him and work on moving past it.
However, and I am sorry to say that - it’s highly unlikely that it was just sexting for 4 years. Unless the other person lives on the moon.
Once these sort of conversations start and explicit messages are exchanged - it won’t be enough to keep doing the same.
He is not telling you the truth.

People do move on and survive affairs, sometimes. But - it needs to start with truths and lots of soul searching to understand what lead to it. And joint re-building.
Can’t start with half thruths

[Wellyboots86]

Sorry op, he’s having an affair irl not just sexting. Currently divorcing my wife after I found out “only sexting” was actually “only f*cking every chance we can”

If you can get past it and trust him again then fair play to you but for me it was a dead end. I have 2 ds and it is difficult at first but don’t stay “for the children” as that drags it out and will make you miserable - I know i tried it!

[FairyGal]

I’m not calling it a one off. I’m saying I could accept it more if it had just happened once but it’s been about 20 texts over four years so he says. I’m not giving up on my marriage just looking for advice on how to deal with this.

[Wellyboots86]

He needs to give you unrestricted access to the phone, nc with ow and no evasion to an6 questions you may have.

He won’t like this but his response will tell you if there’s enough if the man you love left to try and start over

[Paddingtonsquare]

You don't need to give up on your marriage - he has already done that.

Leave, seriously.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How is he dealing with you finding out about his sexting; what is he doing here re repairing your marriage?. You may not want to give up on your marriage (is that mainly because of your child?) but he has already done so by his actions. He chose to sext this woman and over a period of 4 years as well.

[Redglitter]

20 texts over 4 years?? Sorry but you don't seriously believe that do you? He's minimising now he's been caught. You can't make a decision til he's honest with you about what's been going on

[FairyGal]

I don’t believe he has cheated. The woman he’s been sexting is a swinger and her husband actually encouraged my husband to text her to get her going. Disgusting I know but he says it was merely titilation and nothing physical.

[Angelwendy]

The only way past this is for him to give you all his passwords for his phone and social media, to not be home late from work ever unless he can prove he was there, and to text the woman in front of you saying you know about it and he won't ever be contacting her again. He then needs to block her number and delete it.
It's not really anyway to live though with all that paranoia. I would leave if it was me but I understand that's often easier said than done

[Venusflytwat]

Come on. Twenty sexts over four years, how does that even work??

So they have one conversation every six months or so that just always happens to go straight to sexual?? With no other contact or intimacy in between?

He’s lying, I’m sorry x

[roobrr]

Hi!

My DH did this and we have moved past.
For starters I wouldn't believe it's 20 texts, unless he's the sort of person that takes 6 months to reply. It sounds like he's trying to dumb it down so it's 'not as bad'
What other contact does he have with this woman? Facebook etc? He should be prepared to cut it all and give you complete access to his phone,

[LaughingLlama]

Hmm 20 texts over 4 years - so he says.

He has been deceiving you. Why would he be telling you the truth now?

If he has been sexting someone for 4 years I would ve suspicious that things may have moved on from "just" sexting. Are they really taking it that slow??

I dont mean to be cruel but its pretty standard that cheaters nearly always minimise thier actions - only admitting to what they absolutely have to, which translates to only admittingbto what you have evidence of.

[Wellyboots86]

Erm, she’s a swinger? So you believe that he’s not slept with her, knowing she will offer it on a plate?

I never though my stbxw would cheat but it’s amazing how addictive sexting can become and it will onl6 lead to sex, sorry to sound harsh but that will be the reality

[FairyGal]

Maybe not 20 texts but 20 occasions of sexting. Leaving is not an option for me. Too many people give up on marriage too easily. I don’t think this warrants divorce. I’m really looking for someone who’s maybe been through this and can offer advice/support.

[roobrr]

As above I also contacted the women when this happened. Unfortunately we live in very close proximity to some of them, so can't eradicate them completely. One of them had to cheek to come and try to start a conversation in public recently..

[roobrr]

As I said I've been through it but I was very much harsh on my DH and made him work to get the relationship back.
I do think the 20 occasions thing is a lie though, sorry to say. 4 years is a very long time and it doesn't seem as if you'd pick up and leave off every few months. X

[FairyGal]

He’s already blocked all contact with her.

[Angelwendy]

Is he going to let you look through his phone whenever you want?

[Wellyboots86]

Op I’m sorry but I have/am going through it so trust me when I say where things are atm with him.

I tried for 3 months to hold the marriage together after discovering the sexting but she would give access to phone which was suspect and I eventually got her out by finding their sex tape on the phone.

Walking away from a 16 year relationship was the hardest thing I’ve ever done especially having two kids together. As I said, if you can move on then great but you need a really frank conversation with him and he has to agree to any conditions you have, I kept breaking m6 own rules and letting stuff slide as didn’t want to end the marriage but if you don’t show him that things are on a knife edge now then he will just continue lying to you

[Justmuddlingalong]

Why are you fighting to hold onto an imaginary relationship? He's not bothering his arse, but you see divorce as giving up too easily. Good luck for the future, whatever it brings.

[Cactusjelly00]

Don't kid yourself, you can accept more than a one off clearly.
I've been through similar, I left. He's already shat on your marriage vows... sorry but I can't advocate being a doormat.
I went through similar (though it was over 2yrs not 4) otherwise identical scenario. It took two weeks but I left him then a year later met my now DH. I now know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't disrespect your marriage vows and hurt you immeasurably.
It wasn't a one off and your husband had plenty of time to know exactly what he was doing. That goes way way beyond a quick mistake or heat of the moment mistake. I'll bet he didn't admit it to you either.

[Wellyboots86]

Wouldn’t give access not would

[Mammysin]

Fairygal he needs to tell you the truth. Maybe you don't want to hear the truth that he has slept with her and has texted her more than 20 times? If you don't want to know, do you think he has betrayed you in any way? If not, then no reason not to keep being married. If you do think he has betrayed you, what is he doing to change things? Yes, too many people give up on marriage- seems like your partner did four years ago. Sorry if that's brutal- I feel you are trying to minimise which is understandable. Do you think you should start from s position of absolute honesty- as painful as that would be it might be a better place to begin again. 💐