Trying to survive the discovery of an affair

[Princesscharming]

I recently discovered that my husband had been cheating on me. This has absolutely floored me, I can’t function, I can’t sleep, I can’t think. The worst thing is his denial and his minimisation tactics, when I actually have written proof. He also claims that the relationship he had has ended. It hasn’t, I have just found a recent order of Viagra (not for my benefit) and that he has recently visited a very nice hotel/restaurant (without me). He still insists he’s not seeing her!! We have to live together until the house sells but he continues to play mind games with me. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this period, without it affecting our 10 year old DD.
I’m so hurt, I don’t know why he’s doing this to me, that’s the bit that’s really painful.

[honeyroar]

That's horrible, it must be so tough for you.

I'd try and focus on the future. Work on selling the house asap and finding something for yourself. Get a good lawyer. Minimise contact with him. Be cool but cordial. As long as you're not always screaming at one another I'm sure your daughter will cope.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I'm so sorry, the whole thing sounds awful.

Are you planning to get divorced? Hopefully your house will sell quickly.

Much easier to say than do but can you get him to move out? You need time and space to come to terms with this horrible revelation and it sounds from his continuing behaviour that the marriage is over.

[Princesscharming]

Thanks for your responses. It is so emotionally and mentally draining. He has no where to go, no family and friends live too far away from his job. He doesn’t want to divorce, I do but I’m taking it one step at a time. First job is to sell the house, then get my own house and then divorce. Staying strong is so hard though and I don’t know how long the house will take to sell and I’m so worried for our DD. How do I tell her what’s going on?

[honeyroar]

Try and lean on your family and friends for support. Just try and keep life as normal as it can be with your daughter. Tell her you and her dad are not getting on? I'd say be honest about the possibility of divorce, but stress that you both still love her and always will?

[Princesscharming]

Thanks honeyroar. You’re right I need to keep everything as normal as possible. I still can’t believe it!!
Fingers crossed for a quick house sale.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorting the house will come as part of the divorce. It's going to be difficult for a while but it will be worth it to have a happier life. I promise.

Have you seen a lawyer about starting divorce proceedings? You don't need his permission or agreement to do so. If she's agreed to putting the house on the market is he taking seriously your intentions to break up?

It can all seem so overwhelming, take it day at a time, write lists for everything and if you'll feel better for getting things done set yourself a task a day. Find copies of all the paperwork you need, bank statements, pensions, official documents, and stash them somewhere safe. He's already being dishonest so you can't trust him.

Get to a lawyer as soon as you can and get some advice on what you can expect and make a plan for what you need to do.

Emotionally, look after yourself and let the dust settle. Don't put yourself out to make his life easy while he's being such a shit and is still lying. He's the one who's been a total bastard and he can do his own laundry and give you the space you need.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Keep posting, you'll have ups and downs, there's lots of support here

[SandyY2K]

This can help you..

The 180

. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

1. No frequent phone calls.
   
2. Do not point out good points in marriage.
   
3. Do not follow him/her around the house.
   
4. Do not encourage talk about the future.
   
5. Seek support from family members.
   
6. Do not ask for reassurances.
   
7. Do not buy gifts.
   
8. Do not schedule dates together.
   

10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[BulletFox]

SandyY2k sound advice.

OP so sorry you're going through this. You have your lovely DD and soon you will be rid of shitwit DH who broke his promises.

[Princesscharming]

Thank you Annelovesgilbert and Sandyy2k. Great advice, taken on board. I don’t have family to turn to and don’t want to over burden friends. I really appreciate your responses.

[Princesscharming]

Thanks Bulletfox, I have an amazing DD. I need to stop the pity party and focus on what I have with her. I’m so lucky to have her.
Trusting again in the future will be very, very difficult.

[AlaskaSometimes]

You won’t be over burdening friends. Friends are happy to support each other through the hard times. Reach out. It is very important to have real life support.

Definitely follow the 180 in the post above.

There’s a site called surviving infidelity which is perfect for your situation and you can talk and read others stories who have been there or are going through it.

If he isn’t even being honest about what happened or trying to do everything he can to rebuild on a base of honesty, then your relationship is effectively over which I know is incredibly sad and unfair. But you need to look out for yourself and your child by getting some immediate legal advice.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. I will never understand how people can be so cruel to people they’ve chosen as a partner. Not everyone is like this ❤️

[underthebluemoon]

Also read Chumplady. It is more anti reconciliation but will help you find your anger.
for you. It's shit. You don; t deserve this.

[ChickenMom]

I have a friend who is going through this. I am also friends with her DH. He did it because he “fell in love” with the OW. He stays with his wife and doesn’t want a divorce because he “can’t be on his own”. OW won’t live with him because she’s not stupid and doesn’t want to give up her lovely life/freedom for a parasite. So that means the poor wife gets lumbered while he pines for OW and if OW ever changes her mind about living with him, he’s gone in a flash. Really shit position to be in as the long suffering wife. Get rid. Of course he doesn’t want divorce. He’s having the best of everything right now. Rip his comfort blanket away. Do it on your terms because at some point he’ll walk into another bed. He’s just biding his time until the OW decides she wants to live with him. Do it on your terms not hers. It’s awful and hard but once he’s gone you can start to rebuild your life x

[Pinkpillows]

Selling the house to buy another one before divorce foolish.

You need to start divorce now and see if you can get him out in meantime legally, this environment is not good for your child. It isn't your problem he has No friends family but he found a mistress so I'm sure he will cope in big bad world. Go see a lawyer and sort yourself out not him

[Princesscharming]

It is over you’re right Alaskasometimes, because he hasn’t been honest. People make mistakes but to keep lying to me and to keep doing it is unforgivable. Thanks for your kind words.
Underthebluemoon Chump Lady is fantastic, thanks for the recommendation.

Pinkpillows, I have been wondering how I’ll stand legally by selling our joint home and buying my own before divorce. H has said I can take as much as I need to get myself set up, he’ll take what’s left. I will insist that the money from the sale goes into my bank account and I’ll then transfer his amount to him.

[buggerthebotox]

This happened to me a couple years back. Dd was 12. I subsequently found that the relationship lasted for a year, so not even a fling ffs!

I feel for you. I really like that list posted above-sound advice indeed. I've stuck to most of the points and although I'm still here, I no longer invest anything in the relationship. It's given me time until I'm ready to make a move on MY terms.

It will take a while for the reality of what's happened to sink in. Don't do anything rash and stay in control. You'll hurt like hell though. It's tough. But you'll get there.

[Princesscharming]

Hi Buggerthenotox, has staying with him affected your self esteem? Mines in the floor, OW is 10 years younger than me without the frazzled ness that comes from having children! I find I compare myself to her all the time. I have to get out and re build myself. He’s made it easier by not begging for reconciliation. He actually seems to be looking forward to his new life with a spring in his step!!

[Animation86]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. yesterday was the first anniversary of me finding out about my husbands affair. When it was discovered he initially claimed the texts were "banter" but after 10 minutes of screaming there was no way out for him.

Nothing can change if he is in this solid denial and that's why the 180 is important.

Get your ducks in a row because there is absolutely no remorse from him here.

[buggerthebotox]

OP Yes, my self esteem was badly affected but thankfully I never came across the OW. She was married, so he said. Otherwise I don't know anything about her and I'm strangely incurious.

This may sound odd, but I was quite relieved to find out he'd been cheating! He'd been gaslighting for ages and it was messing with my head.

I think the whole episode has made me tougher.

[Princesscharming]

Buggerthenotox, he’s been gaslighting me too, for 13 years. I know what you mean, you get the upper hand now. I would still leave the arse hole though!
Animation86 it’s astounding how they have the balks to deny it when the evidence is staring everyone in the face! It also shows a complete lack of regard for our feelings. My H isn’t sorry he did it. I’m actually grateful for that as weird as that sounds. If he wanted to he could talk me back into the relationship. I’m so glad he hasn’t tried.

Are there any decent men out there???