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My partner went out last night and is still not home!

(479 Posts)
Georgie300 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:34:15

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

Callamia Sun 19-Nov-17 09:38:00

Maybe wait until he gets home, and see what his excuse is. It’s unlikely to be a decent one though, so think about what you’re going to do.

Why should you be the one to leave btw? Wouldn’t he be better off being the one to go elsewhere?

Finola1step Sun 19-Nov-17 09:39:54

Did you ever get to the bottom of where he was for those two nights?

Psychobabble123 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:41:25

Did you ever get to the bottom of where he was for those two nights? I was wondering this too....

ivykaty44 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:44:25

I wouldn’t be leaving, I’d be calling a lick smith though 🙁 legal or not I’d not be putting up with that malarkey.

Bringing up 3 children is enough without a 4 big idiot to sort out

Migraleve Sun 19-Nov-17 09:44:25

I wouldn't leave without first making sure that he is ok. I don't want to add worry to your situation but there is always a possibility of it being more than just not coming home. Once you know he is safe and well you need to find out where the hell he has been and why he thought it acceptable to be there. But I wouldn't do it until much later after he has had the chance to sleep and sober a bit, trying to have a potentially life changing conversation with someone who is still pissed and exhausted isn't going to be productive.

I do hope he turns up soon.

Daisym45 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:46:32

My priority would be finding out where he’s been....

If you’re sure it’s all innocent, I don’t see what’s wrong with having the odd night out and staying out but I would definitely expect him to tell me when he would be home.

Jojopugh Sun 19-Nov-17 09:47:26

You must feel real crap this morning.
My husband says he will be back at a certain time and I always put a few extra hours on it as when he gets a taste or a beer with his mates it’s never a ‘couple’ of pints, but he hasn’t ever not come home.
It’s really selfish and I thoughtful of him. Do you have anyone’s number from who he was out with last night? I’d be doing a call around.
What was he up to when he was doing it before or did you never find out? X

Jojopugh Sun 19-Nov-17 09:48:11


daisychain01 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:49:05

It's a pattern of behaviour that's fine for a 17 year old, not a married person with 3 DC.

If he's not adult enough to charge his mobile before a night out and to keep in touch (the sort of thing a parent tells their DC to do!) then he obviously isn't grown up enough to invest in the important priorities in the relationship (trust, reliability, responsibility - adult stuff). He sounds like an overgrown toddler who wanders off with no concept of how his actions affect you. And you've given him loads of chances to grow up, you're not his parent!

Myheartbelongsto Sun 19-Nov-17 09:51:03

I hope he's OK op.

This would not be a sackable offence in my house.

ChickenMom Sun 19-Nov-17 09:51:58

I wouldn’t have that. Not coming home and not letting you know he’s not coming home is massively disrespectful and childish. He could be in another woman’s bed!! It’s not on and especially not on as you’ve had this before and he promised to not do it again. He obviously can’t be trusted. It’s not down to you to leave. Text him and say “don’t bother coming back. Find somewhere else to stay tonight like you did last night” then bag up some of his clothes and leave them on the doorstep. Lock the doors and don’t let him back in. He’s taking the piss.

RaininSummer Sun 19-Nov-17 09:56:24

I wouldn't leave as he can do the leaving if it comes to that. You need to get to the bottom of it though and decide if it is the beginning of the end. Assuming he is ok.

twiney Sun 19-Nov-17 10:06:09

In my experience if he's not the sort of guy to cheat then going missing for 2 nights is usually drugs related. Drug fuelled benders tend to extend way longer than drinking sessions where you crash at 4am and wake up feeling like shit at lunchtime

Hellywelly10 Sun 19-Nov-17 10:06:28

Does he binge drink?

ScarlettOH Sun 19-Nov-17 10:07:35

There is one of these posts every week! I don’t understand why anyone puts up with this shit. LTB

DivisionBelle Sun 19-Nov-17 10:08:21

Where was he at 2am?

drunk and gaming at a friend’s house, or in a club?

Georgie300 Sun 19-Nov-17 10:09:30

When he’s done it before he’s always ended up back at either (a much younger!) workmates or friends flat where they carry on drinking or whatever else. Never girls involved. I have got numbers before n rung round but they are all never any help. He runs his own business n doesn’t go out drinking a lot but when he does he says it’s his vent from the stress and gets carried away. When he went for 2 nights he was with his uncle who’s actually an alcoholic! They drunk all day and all night til his mum got involved.
I have locked him out before and he broke a window to get in! And I’ve packed his bag n made him leave but he checks himself into a hotel n spends a fortune which I don’t really want right on xmas either!
I don’t work so all our money and the house are joint. I cancelled his bank cards last night so I know he’s not spending any money right now so he’s probably asleep somewhere .
I will talk to him but I know exactly how it will go as we’ve had the conversation so many times! He’ll be really sorry tell me how much he loves me and the kids, he’ll do what ever I want him to. And it’ll be ok for a while. I feel like I’ve either going to have to accept this childish selfish streak is in him and put up with it, or leave. I’m very proud and hate that I’m being taken the piss out of. But leaving means splitting the family up, and the boys love their dad, and he is a brilliant dad

TammySwansonTwo Sun 19-Nov-17 10:10:14

I'm surprised anyone thinks this is acceptable. Staying out all night when you've discussed it is one thing.
Calling at 2am and saying you're going to crash at a friend's house is one thing (although I'd still be pissed off if I we had three kids and this wasn't what was planned as it's massively irresponsible and putting all the pressure on you).
Letting your phone die at 2am and your wife having no clue where you are and staying out until gone 9am is just unacceptable.

If I were out at 2am and my phone died while my husband was at home with the kids (unlikely since I'd never go out til the early AM and leave him with the twins and vice versa) I'd firstly be using someone else's phone to get a message to them (yes, I have his number memorised but I'm sure someone he's with has your number is a fb friend or something) or I'd be going straight home so as not to cause unnecessary worry.

Before kids my husband went through a phase of going out, saying he'd be home by a certain time, hours after that point i'd get a phone call and he'd be off his face and acting like a total arsehole. I'd dread him going out. He was struggling with depression (life was pretty tough for both of us at this time). One night he was so pissed he ended up in a cab with someone random, dropped off miles away from home and somehow made it home despite the fact he could barely stand. I hadn't heard from him for hours by the time he turned up. He was nasty, over dramatic, falling around the flat, acting like a completely different person.

I absolutely lost my shit and told him I was done - it's just massively disrespectful to make your spouse worry like that, and to behave like a bloody teenager when you're a grown adult. He stopped drinking at that point for over a year. After that if he was going out he'd tell me when he'd be home and would actually be home by then, and not wasted. Since our twins was born he hardly ever drinks and never to excess as we both have responsibilities now - I couldn't put up with this kind of shit now.

Having said that, I wouldn't be going anywhere - you've got three kids and he's the fuck up so he can leave.

BewareOfDragons Sun 19-Nov-17 10:10:42

I was also wondering where he'd disappeared to for two nights!

Quite the example for his 3 DC, not.

I would be quite angry with him.

twiney Sun 19-Nov-17 10:12:14

Yeah allow me to repeat, its probably not drink if it's 2 nights straight.

mylittlepony6 Sun 19-Nov-17 10:14:08

You need to find out the reasons. A man I work with slept on public transport all night! I don't think you should throw away a good marriage for this. We all screw up sometimes.

Myheartbelongsto Sun 19-Nov-17 10:14:34

You cancelled his bank cards confused

That is a little Ott.

I would wait until he comes home and talk to him and go from there. It is disrespectful not to let you know he was staying out if that was his intention but I would talk calmly first.

ChickenMom Sun 19-Nov-17 10:16:57

Have you heard from him yet?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Sun 19-Nov-17 10:20:38

I wouldn’t let him in when he does turn up. I’d make no bones about telling him to fuck off back to wherever he has just crawled from. I’d also make sure he knows he may well still be homeless at Christmas, and as for you leaving......don’t be a mug, stay put with your boys, kick him out for a while and if you give him an ultimatum of “do this again and you’re out for good”make sure you mean it and stick to it or be prepared for it happening for ever.

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