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Sex advice

(24 Posts)
Seaweedisaweed Sun 19-Nov-17 01:07:00

WWYD if your darling partner, who you love so much, does not satisfy you sexually? You have mentioned what you like but partner either forgets or doesn't like your suggestion. Mind you, partner is wonderful with other aspects of relationship and DC

MissConductUS Sun 19-Nov-17 01:55:24

Of "mentioning" has not done it you need to move on to really discussing and then demonstrating .

PuertoVallarta Sun 19-Nov-17 01:56:40

Forgetting what you like is worrying.

If they simply don't want to do something you would like them to do sexually, you need to decide whether your expectations are realistic and whether they are deal breakers for you. Either way, you can't force someone to do sexual stuff so you may be at an impasse. If you coerce, it could lead to a lot of resentment.

Generally, we have to accept people as they are or decide to move on. There are exceptions where the problems are simply down to miscommunication.

Pinkpillows Sun 19-Nov-17 06:00:28

Get a dildo and pornhub that's one way 😂

If not suggest something again or ask why he doesn't do it

3rd option leave him if it's that much of an issue

4th just put up with it

Seaweedisaweed Sun 19-Nov-17 08:15:19

I have discussed extensively and demonstrated...he doesn't like most of it blush
I wouldn't ever force him to do sexual stuff, that would be so so so wrong.
I just love him so much and really wish we could fix this because sex is important to me and it's one of the special ways that I use to show him how much he means to me.
I have used pornhub so many times but I want him very much. I may have to buy a dildo and state at his picture while I'm busy with it

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 08:27:23

Is what you want him to do relatively reasonable/normal? Because if it is, him not liking it & essentially refusing to do it seems selfish/lazy/unreasonable.

Seaweedisaweed Sun 19-Nov-17 08:31:22

Melville
No it's not extreme, a bit hmm though

Pinkpillows Sun 19-Nov-17 08:35:44

To be honest what seems normal to one person, might not to another.

He won't change OP he would of done something by now if he wanted to try it or improve your sex life. You can give it one last bash and ask him what he wants you to do and in return he does this see if that works but don't hold your breath

Toffeelatteplease Sun 19-Nov-17 08:36:14

Unit doesn't matter if what he doesn't like is "normal" or not. He doesn't like it and he's as entitled to dislike it as you are to like it. (Although I suspect as you mention that he doesn't likemost of it and you're using pornhub your tastes are slightly off beat and quite definitive.)

You are sexually incompatible. You have tried to find a compromise, you haven't. You need to accept that you will end up unfulfilled sexually or move on with someone whose tastes align with yours. There really is no middle ground on this. Sorry

TammySwansonTwo Sun 19-Nov-17 08:40:48

That depends - if you're upset because your partner refuses to learn how you need to be touched and just does their own thing, that's one issue. That means they're pretty selfish in bed and it's unlikely to change.

If you have a fetish that someone may not want to participate in, then that's their right and they haven't forgotten, they just don't want to. Pressuring them into it isn't okay, so you have to decide if that fetish or your relationship is more important to you I guess.

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 08:45:31

Wouldn't entirely agree toffee; someone refusing to eg give oral sex is arguably more unreasonable than someone who won't participate in rough s&m for example. How standard/typical the sex act is does have bearing on how reasonable it is to expect someone else to do it, (unless you met them through a 'scene').

Also confused by Pornhub thing - like many sites, it has every imaginable flavour of porn including very standard vanilla sex,

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 08:47:32

Is there something pornhub's famous for I'm not aware of?

Toffeelatteplease Sun 19-Nov-17 08:51:31

Why?

If someone dislikes oral sex why should they do it because it's considered more "normal"?

Noone should be doing anything they don't enjoy in bed ever.

That's why serial compatibility offers so little room for compromise

Toffeelatteplease Sun 19-Nov-17 09:03:21

Sexual compatability

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 09:15:21

Agreed but for the sake of argument - unless people met through a specific sexual/lifestyle scene - it could be seen as more reasonable to end a relationship over a partner who is not interested in doing common sex acts that a good proportion of the population does and enjoys, the mainstream I suppose I'm trying to say - than to end it over a partner who is not interested on doing non common, perhaps fetish sex acts that the majority of folks may not be into.

Ultimately as others have already said it depends how important it is to op.

Toffeelatteplease Sun 19-Nov-17 11:28:18

I'm really sorry but that is so wrong and leaves people really open to abuse, thinking that you have less right to object to something because it's "mainstream".

Noone should be under pressure to do anything that isn't enjoyable. Mainstream or not.

If your not satisfied by the same things sexually as your partner

pieceofpurplesky Sun 19-Nov-17 11:38:10

You cannot force him to do something he does not want to do.

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 11:41:59

I am not saying anyone should do any sex act they don't want to do, regardless of how typical/mainstream it is.

I'm saying that it if I considered a scenario in which someone ended a relationship because their partner was totally averse to doing something that typically forms part of sexual interactions e.g. kissing/manual or oral stimulation etc. - versus a scenario in which someone ended a relationship because their partner would not do something atypical/fetishy/uncommon (esp if it involved inflicting or receiving pain or role-play that might make someone uncomfortable)
... ..that I'd think the first person's behaviour was more reasonable/understandable than the second person's. Do you get me?

Back to the OP - it really depends on how important this is to you.
One angle is , as Toffee has said, there is no middle ground. The other is; how important it this is to you could you be happy with the compromise you suggested?

category12 Sun 19-Nov-17 11:49:46

"he doesn't like most of it blush
I wouldn't ever force him to do sexual stuff, that would be so so so wrong.
I just love him so much and really wish we could fix this because sex is important to me and it's one of the special ways that I use to show him how much he means to me."

It doesn't need fixing. You've told him what you like. He doesn't like it. Nothing to fix - you're not sexually compatible. It's not a "special way of showing him how much he means to you" if it's all about what you want and he doesn't like that.

Either accept it is what it is, or if it's a dealbreaker, move on.

Pinkpillows Sun 19-Nov-17 12:08:40

*Wouldn't entirely agree toffee; someone refusing to eg give oral sex is arguably more unreasonable than someone who won't participate in rough s&m for example. How standard/typical the sex act is does have bearing on how reasonable it is to expect someone else to do it, (unless you met them through a 'scene').

Also confused by Pornhub thing - like many sites, it has every imaginable flavour of porn including very standard vanilla sex,*

Firstly there are plenty of people out there who hate giving oral, doesn't mean they have to because 'everyone else does it'

Confused about pornhub, eerr if she's got a fetish and wants to indulge it in porn is the Only way she can as her OH doesn't want too.

I can't believe just because everyone else does it he should do it too, if a man posted this, saying he wanted a blowjob how many women would respond back saying she's selfish and should do it? Maybe he has a stinky cock and that's why who knows only she does so if she says no its no!!

Seaweedisaweed Sun 19-Nov-17 12:51:28

Thanks everyone for your replies. Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything here. Also it's not just about what needs doing it's also about frequency.
Thanks again for all suggestions. I'll carefully consider all before I make a decision

Toffeelatteplease Sun 19-Nov-17 13:18:25

That includes you seaweed you shouldn't be forced to put up with sex that's unsatisfying to you. (There's just not much you can do about it if you stay.)

I don't envy your decision.

merville Sun 19-Nov-17 16:46:40

Pinkpillows - you don't seem to have read my post, of have misunderstood it.

Re. Potnhub I was asking in response to toffees comment that if using pornhub's the op's tastes are 'slightly offbeat and definitive' .. Is there something pornhub's is associated with in order to draw that conclusion?
I was big aware if it, it just seems to me to be a typical porn site with everything under the sun represented.

Secondly - again, i have not said anyone should do the slightest thing they dont want to do sexually. I commented on how understandable I personally felt if would be or not someone felt a relationship was untenable due to their partner not wanting to do fairly typical sexual acts, compared to atypical fetish sex acts.

If the ops 'issue' is abt a left field fetishy sex act, it may be worth considering how likely she might be to find someone happy to do it, who also has all the qualities her V lovely partner has, and how important it is to her full stop. Also worth considering sex is only one part of relationships and life, a part that often becomes less important as we get older.

MattBerrysHair Sun 19-Nov-17 16:48:33

My exdh and I were sexually incompatible and it totally killed the relationship. There were other problems too, but we did love each other dearly and tried so hard to make it work. We're both the kind of people who need a strong sexual connection to have a fulfilling relationship so we amicably split after 13 years and lots of marriage counselling. We're both in good relationships now and still get on well.

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