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AIBU? Am I overreacting? That boyfriend would rather fix his car than see me?(111 Posts)
Sorry about the ridiculously long post. Have ear infection from hell and I am on A LOT of drugs. Which are messing with my head and making me way more crazy than normal.
Having a blip with my man and can't decide if I'm overreacting or if he's being useless. Giving my crappy state of mind I'm majorly overthinking it all and think it could all blow up out of proportion if I'm not careful.
Been seeing my guy for a few months now. He's always been a gentleman, has moments of occasional uselessness but will then go out of his way to make up for it. We're in a committed relationship. He's told friends and family about us. He always makes time for me, apart from this weekend, grrr.
I've been really ill all week with an ear injection. Have needed intramuscular antibiotics. His car is currently broken so he travels to me by train which takes nearly 2hrs and he works funny hours so he's not been able to come and see me. He did send flowers though and has been in contact with me pretty much constantly, even remembering all my various appointments.
As I don't drive either we've been a bit limited in how often we can see each other. He has to get up around 2-3 in the mornings so it's impossible for him to stay here midweek and I have children so can't easily stay at his. This means we've only been seeing each other at weekend but if I'm honest that's been absolutely fine for me. We had a long chat recently and he told me he's hopefully changing his job after Christmas and that things will be easier then so I know that this not seeing each midweek is just a temporary blip and that he's trying to fix it. He's also been talking about moving closer to me.
His car has been broken for nearly a year. He works in London, lives outside London right next to the met underground, gets free travel from work so he's not really needed the car. He said until he started seeing me he didn't really missed it but since we've become an item he's been making quite a fuss about getting the car sorted. He won't take it to a mechanic because he's an engineer and says he can do it himself a lot cheaper. Suddenly he's basically saying he can't see me this weekend because he has to fix the car.
By Thursday a week of no sleep and being in agony has messed with my head a lot and left my quite frustrated. I have basically got myself into an increasingly negative anxious state of mind. Interestingly the drugs I'm on have anxiety listed in the bloody side effects.
Then to add to this he wasn't being very proactive about when we'd next get to see each other. He's kept going on about how much he misses me and wishes I was there but hasn't bothered to set anything up despite me doing some major hinting about when I was free. On Thursday I found out I can upgrade my phone so I said to him that I was having lunch with my mum on Sunday so we could sort it out ( mum and I share a contract as we've found it's cheaper) He seemed ridiculously interested in me getting a new phone so I made a joke about him coming with us and he freaked out a bit so I made it clear that I was joking and didn't expect him to come. Anyway I had made it crystal clear that I was free Saturday but not Sunday (unless he wanted to meet my mother for lunch) Finally on Thursday evening I said
"hoping I get to see you some point this weekend xxx"
He doesn't reply until 2:30am Friday morning, that's his regular getting up time.
"I'm working on my car Saturday, I'll see how it goes, are you free all weekend? Xxx"
At this point I feel like screaming because I've told him when I am free and I feel like he's putting his bloody car before seeing me. I mean how could anyone that really likes you and misses you put a car before you?! Especially when they've made do without the car for months?!
Because I'm upset I don't reply, I need to calm down first. Interestingly within minutes of me reading that message on WhatsApp he sent me another message saying "Good morning beautiful xxx" he then sent another one 2hrs later "how are you feeling?" So I think he was worrying about what I was thinking. At this point I'm not ignoring him, I'm just busy with the school run so I say "good morning handsome xxx" and he replies "are you ok? Xxx" I said I had just been busy doing the school run. Then he was like "get your new phone tomorrow! You'll be able to see pictures of me without cracks all over my face" Seriously why say this?! And why the sudden interest in me getting my phone on Saturday when I've made it clear that I'm getting it Sunday? I reiterate that I need my mum to do it with me and she can only do Sunday. He then starts suggesting phones. He's going on and on about a new one that's coming out this week that he's planning on buying and is basically saying I should get the same phone. I'm confused and don't understand why it matters so much to him. And I'm feeling really sad at this point because all I want is to see him and he doesn't seem remotely bothered about seeing me. At this point he realises I'm being a bit off. I know that I'm really not behaving like myself and decide to be honest with him so I pour my heart out:
"I'm really sorry I know I'm probably coming across in a bad way. My head is totally fucked. A week of not sleeping, being ill, not being able to exercise has just totally screwed me up. I'm in an incredibly over anxious state of mind where I'm just seeing lots of negatives. It's making me micro analyse everything you say and I keep coming to conclusions that I know in my heart are wrong and stupid but my head just makes me think negatively"
He replied straight away
Him: "OK well hopefully not too negatively about us. I tend to do the same so know how you feel when you over analyse things xxx
What would make you feel better? Xxx
Me: I just need to know that we're OKxxx
H: Yes, of course, I would say if we weren't. I'm very much into you xxx
Me: OK thank you xxx
H: Send me a photo of you xxx
Me: I will do in a bit xxx (I can't right at that moment because I'm crying)
H: What conclusions are you coming to about us? 😞
Me: Its just my head being stupid xxx
H: Ok.... Hopefully it is xxx
So is there something not OK about me?
Me: No you're perfect, its nothing youve done. I don't normally worry about us. I've just convinced myself that you don't really like me. I know I'm being stupid xxx
H: Yeah a little, nothing to worry about. I really like you xxx
Me: Deep down I know that. I'm really sorry xxx
H: Don't need to apologise 😘
Me: No I do need to because I'm now making you think that you've done something wrong xxx
H: Its OK, just need to know you're into me xxx
Me: I am incredibly into you. More than you realise xxx
H: That's good I guess 😚xxx
Me: You guess? Xxx
H: Bad choice of words. Its good but I don't know how much which is why I say I guess. The more the better.... Better than if you didn't like me xxx (seriously what does this message mean!? What is he trying to tell me?!)
Me: I like you a lot, its why I'm freaking out a bit. I think I like you more than you like me and my head has gone into overdrive from being ill xxx
H: I hope you feel better soon xxx
Then the conversation peters out because I fall asleep. When I wake I message him and tell him I'm feeling a lot better and apologise for making him anxious. He takes 2hrs to reply and just says "you haven't xxx". Then when I try replying I only get one tick on WhatsApp and start freaking out. It's like that for hours and hours so I start thinking he's blocked me because it doesn't make sense. He always keeps his phone on, even in the cinema, he always has a battery charger with him too. They don't finally go through until midnight. But 8am there's nothing from him which is really unusual. In the end I send him another message asking if he's ok and saying how much better I feel. And I say to let me know how he gets on with the car as I'd love to see him.
He's replied saying he's overslept and is just squeezing in a gym session before his dad comes over. No comments about wanting to see me too or that I might be able to go over there, nothing.
I send a quick response back just to show I'm not grumpy, I don't expect anything back. to my surprise he comes back to me straight away and then replies straight away to me next response.
Then he puts: "are you phone hunting today?"
And I feel like screaming! I'm made it fucking crystal clear that I'm phone hunting on Sunday! I'm free all day and night today but you'd rather fix your bloody car and haven't made any suggestions as to when you'd like to see me or if you even want to see me.
I mean seriously how can he say that he "really likes me" and say he's "very much into me" when he's then not making an effort to see me?! Why does the car come before me?
He's now been messaging me enquiringly about whether the phone contract on this new phone that he wants me to get are reasonable and how he's going to buy this phone (brand new £450 odd pounds) on Wednesday.
You know what mark for £450 you could've had your fucking car fixed ages ago!
I'm so fed up and have no idea how to proceed. I really needed to see him this weekend. Especially after my little blow out.
I just don't get him this week. He saying one thing but acting another.
"Bad choice of words. Its good but I don't know how much which is why I say I guess. The more the better.... Better than if you didn't like me xxx" what the hell did he honestly mean with this message?!
"The more the better" I thought that was him saying that he'd like it if I liked him more than like if you know what I mean?
So I then said the whole liking him a lot things and thinking that I like him more than he likes me and that's when he went a bit strange so now I'm thinking was he just fishing to find out how much I liked him and have I now freaked him out?
I am so fucking confused.
Anyway a boyfriend who'd rather tinker with his car than see his girlfriend doesn't bode well does it? 😢
He's now messaged me saying how tired he is and I've just been really blunt and said:
"Oh dear, I know the feeling. Guess I won't be seeing you this weekend?"
And he's replied straight away:
"Hopefully, probably having dinner with my parents, feel bad if I don't as my dad is spending time here xxx"
Don't know exactly what I'm supposed to make of that!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He seems very open with you - why didn't you tell him that it hurt that he was choosing to fix his car over seeing you? Stop being coy and tell him what's bothering you - then no analysis required!
I’m sorry to be harsh but I honestly think that this is a lot of fuss and drama over nothing.
He’s an independent, adult man who is allowed to decide how to spend his time and money without reference to you.
Why is not seeing him for one weekend such a huge deal? Your messages to him come across as rather manipulative and needy.
Jesus. That's all far, far too emotional and intense.
I think you have a problem OP. I get that he hasn't listened to you about the phone shopping, and it's annoying. But it's not that annoying. You are blowing it out of all proportion.
You like him. He likes you. We know that by the painfully teenage text exchange above.
Just relax. If you are both busy with different things this weekend then arrange something for next week instead.
Why don’t you just ask him if he wants to do something this weekend?
Perhaps he thinks you’ve been ill so want some time by yourself?
Maybe he’s fixing his car so that he can see you more easily?
He probably thinks he’s being helpful in giving you phone advice.
All sounds a bit much when you’ve been seeing each other three months? All the kisses and affirmation that you still like each other? You sound like hard work.
I only got half way through.
Up to that point he sounds FINE. I don't known what the rest says as I lost the will to read on, sorry!
I didn't read the bit that your meds have anxiety as a potential side effect.
For that reason, I would say - give him space this weekend, and don't over think, analyse, second guess anything until you're well again.
That's madness and if you are worrying to the extent that you need to write that long a posting about it, I'd be worried how needy you are. If I were him, I'd be giving up. He's been making plenty of effort, all that travelling by train as he's been without his car. How many times have you gone to see him by train? What effort have you been making? If him spending this weekend getting the car fixed makes him coming easier to see you you should be pleased, FFS.
Straight up, if he was my friend I'd be telling him to run!
You have made a MASSIVE drama over him fixing a car (which he only seems to need to see you), not remembering what day you are getting a phone and not mind reading your hints about being free.
In the nicest possible way, grow up.
Seriously this is all way too much drama. His dad is probably there helping him fix the car. Which is why he can't just dump him and come and see you. You really need to just stop being so passive aggressive and say what you really mean and stop bloody analysing the shit out of everything.
I also only got half way through.
He didn't remember which day this weekend you were getting your new phone. That is normal for a human being.
You have been very ill. His car has needed fixing for ages. Sounds like he has fuck all time normally. Fixing it when you are probably unavailable due to needing a restful weekend was a good idea.
He sounds fine.
Good grief. He's fixing his car so it's easier for him to see you? Chill out! Hope you feel better son.
You come across as very demanding and needy in your communications with your boyfriend and I think you might risk driving him away if you continue to analyse every word he says/texts. Is there a reason for this - have you been hurt before or cheated on? I think you need to take a step back and work out why you feel so anxious about the relationship - the evidence you've presented suggests your boyfriend is, as he says, 'very much into you.'
All this in a few months!
You seem very needy. Are you normally like this or is it because you have been unwell?
He has always made time for you and travels 2 hours (each way?) to see you at weekends. Forking out for train tickets each time? One weekend he decides not to so he can get his car fixed and I assume get to see you faster and cheaper and you over-react completely. He hasn't needed his car until he started coming to see you at weekends. This is a GOOD thing.
He expressed a lot of interest in suggesting what phone would be good for you and you seem to be taking it all the wrong way. I assuming your phone is damaged hence the seeing him without cracks comments. How else could you possible take this?
Take a deep breath and calm down.
The world isn't going to end if you don't see him for one weekend.
I hope it's just the medicine going to your head, as if not then you're a total psycho!
It's one weekend. He's really quite entitled to spend a weekend doing something which doesn't include you!!
If I were spending hours on trains, I'd probably prioritise fixing my car too. What exactly do you do to facilitate the relationship aside from monitoring his comings and goings on WhatsApp??
That hurt my eyes! Yabu. Sorry. Hope you feel better soon.
He actually sounds lovely and like he has the patience of a saint!
Hopefully it's just the medication and your behaviour is out of character because you're coming across really needy and highly strung.
Honestly if a man texted me the way you've texted him I would finish it because life is too short for dealing with that level of insecurity.
I hope you're in your early 20s. Because if not this level of teenagery angst is embarrassing.
I'd suggest you learn to drive and get your own car. Don't be relying on others.
Also what's with all the hints. You're a grown woman. Ask if you want something.
It's all a bit dramatic OP, I know you're not feeling 100% at the moment but is all the going in circles really necessary?
Why couldn't you just say you were bothered he was doing his car on your only free day and ask him to do it Sunday? Surely the worst he could say is "No" and that would have saved you so many melodramatic texts
With the greatest of respect OP, you are being way, way over the top. And although you've gone to great lengths to try and attribute this to being about your ear infection and medication, I have a really strong feeling this is actually how you'd feel regardless - dramatics in relationships are usually a constant thing, and not manipulated by medication. I think even if you were well, had your boyfriend decided to fix his car rather than see you, you'd still be freaking out.
Sounds as if you've invested a lot more into this than you suspect he has, or your expectations of your boyfriend aren't matching. Frankly, I think what he's said and done is absolutely fine, and you're being far far too needy.
Not sure what your backstory is like with relationships but if you've found yourself having casual relationships end after a few months a number of times, I wonder whether it would be worth examining what you expect from a partner and rather than criticising them for not achieving it, or lambasting them for not doing things your way. None of what you've written sounds particularly healthy and I wonder whether each man you get to know intimately ends up leaving you because of how full on you are in terms of how you expect them to behave.
If I have understood the post correctly... He's having his car fixed on the Saturday (which he is allowed to do!!) but asked if you were free any other time at the weeken? So he clearly does want to see you, you both just have plans this weekend that happen to clash? It isn't a big drama surely? If he didn't like you he would not be speaking to you or being so helpful re the new phone, even if he has got the days mixed up. It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about, you are overreacting.
That his Dad is helping him fix his car on Saturday which will be beneficial to both of you ....?
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