In laws...

[Bigfoot1]

Name changed as possibly identifiable...

Have great in laws generally but there have been a few issues. They live 1.5 hours drive away and SIL lives nearby and has adult children.
The first issue is that they never visit us. Mil and partner came for the morning when DD was born 5 years ago. Other than that they have never been to our house. This means we have to take DD and dog there if we want to see them. The house is completely unsuitable for children. It's filthy.
Main reason for MIL not coming to visit is that she has elderly v demented parents living with her.
I have tried to be supportive DIL by offering to stay for weekend so that she and partner could go out for dinner etc. She asked us to pop up once for W/E to look after the parents. We droppped everything (cancelled a planned weekend away with friends mainly because we were really pleased as she had never asked before) went up and they left the house for an hour!!!
I have sent details of respite carers who could go in for the evening/stay overnight or allow her to come here for the day but she won't consider it.

SIL lives round corner and has NEVER offered to help with elderly parents.

Most recently SIL and partner arranged to come and stay with us for weekend. We were both really chuffed. I bought in food to cook us all a lovely 3 course dinner and also bought nice wine/breakfast stuff/different types of beer for partner as not sure what he likes. We organised a babysitter for tonight and booked nice restaurant.
They cancelled yesterday afternoon due to a very spurious reason (would be too outing to mention here)

I was furious. DH has I think finally got to the point where he gives up too. He was really upset.

There have occasionally been other weird things that have happened. I wanted to buy MIL a pandora bracelet for a sig birthday. I asked SIL whether she already had one and she said No. I presented MIL with said bracelet and she said she already had one. I told her I had checked with SIL and she said she had told her she already had one!!!!

I also offered to help out at Christmas. MIL asked me to bring a whole load of dessert. Enough for 20 people. I made home made cheesecake and pavlovas etc. Turned up and MIL had bought a whole load of frozen desserts which she served.

We get on superficially but I'm trying to work out all this weird behaviour....
there's no relationship here really is there?

Sorry it's so long....

[Poshindevon]

Why are you wasting your time trying to have a relationship where there is none?
I would not try to fathom their behaviour . You need to stop, enough is enough. No more, visits, gifts or trying to please these people. Focus on your husband, child, relatives and friends who return your kindness and affection.

[Bigfoot1]

I'm trying because it's DH's Mum and Sister I guess.
We go there so she can see DD and they seem pleased to see us, give DD gifts etc but it all seems to be on their terms and on their territory. Anything we try and do for them just isn't right in some way or they refuse.
I'm fed up of spending weekends in their filthy squalid house and not doing anything (we just seem to sit around in the squalour)

We had planned to go there for xmas. DH finally agreed it's not worth bothering so we are going Boxing Day...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Stop and raise your own boundaries with these people far higher and urgently. There is no relationship to speak of between you and they.

I would not go there Boxing Day either, what is the point of going?. Apart from anything else your DD needs to be seeing emotionally healthy relatives; these people are not so. You're simply showing your DD that you are allowing yourself to be walked over by your DHs family of origin.

[fc301]

You are a pawn in a controlling game of power play that you will probably never understand. Step back and let them get on with it. You owe these people nothing.

[SandyY2K]

Reduce your visits and just phone every now and again to check on in on them.

[user1499333856]

Congratulations 🍾

Your MIL and SIL are pains in the arse. This is your cue to go low contact. Stop making an effort with them, they're difficult, flaky and disinterested.

Enjoy the space.

[user1497997754]

Life is short....don't give any headspace to these people they don't deserve it....end of

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I wouldn't go to their house if it's so filthy - could you arrange to take them out for lunch?

I wouldn't go on Boxing Day, either. They are odd and you're trying to have a relationship with them that they seem unable to have.