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I don’t know what to do

(16 Posts)
disneyprincess87 Sat 18-Nov-17 07:53:00

I’ve posted before in MH as I don’t know how to support my DH, it’s come to light in last couple of months that he’s suffering from depression but is refusing to see help from doctors or talk to anyone about it. I’ve been to th doctors to see if there’s anything I can do and they believe it’s a form of depression but unless he visits them there’s nothing that we can do.
I think he’s always had a form of depression over the last 10 years, mild symptoms but has been able to continue and live a normal life.
I started noticing changes last year to his behaviour, there’s now no affection between us as he says it’s pushing him further away. He doesn’t want me to kiss him, hold his hand or say I love him any more. He says he doesn’t love me any more and doesn’t know if he wants to be in this relationship. We have an 11 month old together and he has two children from a previous relationship. We’ve been married for 3 years.
Ive told him that I’ll always love him, I won’t stop loving him just because he doesn’t love me but I’m just lost now. He hates that I now how he’s feeling, he thinks I’m better off without him, I checked his internet history as I’m worried he’s thinking about hurting himself but there were searches for I miss you and I think you’re beautiful. I asked him about this and he said he wanted to send me something but he couldn’t find the words. I’ve made the situation worse over the last couple of weeks as I’ve pushed him to talk about his feelings which is why I know so much but now he’s gone further into himself. Hes putting a brave, strong front on in work ao they and the kids don’t know anything’s wrong, they just think he’s tired. His normal behaviour.
I can cope and stay strong with him not being well, I’m being patient and trying to be understanding but I’m so hurt and confused about how he can fall out of love with me ao quickly. Does anyone have any experience of this? What did you do? Thank you

Toprated Sat 18-Nov-17 07:58:30

Is he pining for someone else? Was he having an affair which has now come to an end hence telling you he doesn't love you and moping around?

Sorry but that was the first thing that struck me from your op.

It's very admirable to support him but I would back off at the moment. It sounds as if he is checking out, depression or not.

category12 Sat 18-Nov-17 08:03:02

I'm wondering if he's cheating.

Joysmum Sat 18-Nov-17 08:39:02

My dh struggled after his dad died. I left it just over a year before I told him that he needed help as his relationship with me and our daughter was in danger of being damaged irreparably if it went on much longer.

It gets to to stage where as much as you love somebody you have to draw a line and love yourself more. That’s when you make an ultimatum you are prepared to stick to as how things are isn’t good enough for either you and your child for the rest of your lives.

disneyprincess87 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:09:30

Back when the baby was little I found texts to a friend, using heart emojis saying he loved her. Obviously I thought he was having an affair. He swore blind that they came up with this plan as her ex was harassing her so they thought it would throw him off if he knew someone else liked her. I was distraught, saying that’s a ridiculous cover story if I ever heard one before etc. I said he was stupid for not including me in the plans- why didn’t he do that if it was all innocent? I never had it out with her as she was a friend. Maybe I should see what she says about it now?
I couldn’t shake off th feeling that something wasn’t right between them, they’re very close so about o month ago I accused him of liking her/seeing her/having an affair with her. This sent him spiralling down more as he said he’s so hurt I could accuse him of something like this. This is when he said he doesn’t love me any more, I caused him to have trust issues.

I’ve backed off completely, I’m not trying to hold him, I’m not saying I love you etc. I’m just giving him space now and waiting to see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

category12 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:27:21

Yeah, he's cheating on you.

TheNaze73 Sat 18-Nov-17 10:43:13

It’s so obvious there’s an OW (at least 1) in the background

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Nov-17 10:51:12

Yeah, he's got someone else. Start putting your mental energy into self-care now. Divert all that effort away from him and into you so you'll be able to be strong for your baby.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Nov-17 10:55:06

Can you not see he's following the script. You calling him out on his texting another woman secretly is causing him to have trust issues and fall out of love with you.

A month ago you challenged him about her and soon after his browser history was full of searches of ways to say I miss you and I think you’re beautiful but none of those messages ever came to you. Well, you don't need to be Sherlock to work out what was really going on do you?

ALittleBitConfused1 Sat 18-Nov-17 11:10:08

Whether he has dspression or not, whether he is having an affair or not he isnt:
A) being honest
B) making any effort to find a solution
C) Showing any responsibility towards your child, your marriage, your feelings.
If he is depressed then it's not your job to fix him, you can't make him get help. However you can decide to make life better for yourself and your baby, that is your priority. You can't help someone that isn't helping themselves.
If he is having an affair and using depression as a cover story (this happened to a friend of mine and it nearly destroyed her because of the emotional effort she put into helping him) then he's a useless bastard that you're better off without.

Talith Sat 18-Nov-17 11:32:53

I agree he's pining for someone else. How can he miss you if you're right there? I'm sorry OP. It sounds hard.

Dozer Sat 18-Nov-17 11:35:22

Time to leave, and worry about his MH less and your and the DCs’ MH more.

He is treating you very badly and you’re putting up with it.

You could always express your concern in writing to the GP and/or local MH services.

Nicecuppatea21 Sat 18-Nov-17 11:48:11

You husband is being very cruel to you. Exploiting an illness to get you to feel sorry for him is absolutely horrible. Is he depressed or just pissed off and trying to make you leave him so he can be with the OW?

He is a selfish man irrespective of any illness he may have.

Focus your concern on yourself and your DC. He is going to wreck your family if you don't keep one step ahead of him. You can prevent this by telling him you know precisely what's going on and then take legal advice on where you stand in the event of a split. Wake up and protect yourself. flowers

beachcomber243 Sat 18-Nov-17 11:54:24

He has, or wishes he had, someone else who he misses and thinks is beautiful it's pretty clear. He's depressed because it's not going his way and you've found him out.
I wouldn't let him treat you like an idiot any longer. He is probably trying to think up one of stories to throw you off the trail as we speak.
Or get him some help with MH issues. He is clearly deluded. Don't fall for it all.

AnyFucker Sat 18-Nov-17 12:04:04

Bloody hell, take those blinkers off

Stop pandering to your cheating husband. He may well be depressed ....but that is because he has has been shagging around and she has ended it.

How does that make you feel now ? You've been jumping through hoops and he's been mugging you off all along. Find your anger, for Christ sake.

TammySwansonTwo Sat 18-Nov-17 12:38:55

He's basically blaming his behaviour on you questioning his fidelity. Why would someone do that, I wonder?

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