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New relationship after very abusive marriage

(12 Posts)
LyraIsLost Fri 17-Nov-17 21:22:40

I'm in a new relationship after escaping an abusive marriage. I'm only in my early thirties but got married young so, really, this is only my third "proper" relationship (I moved in with someone for a few months before I met ex-h).

I'm really struggling. He is absolutely lovely and very kind, very laid back - the complete opposite of my ex. He knows about the abuse and has been really supportive.

However, things happen and I'm struggling to know if I'm being unreasonable in my reaction. I don't know if my judgement is skewed or I'm somehow very immature as a partner (last time I had a boyfriend I was 18, so that's my measure).

For example, he mentions his ex sometimes - as in things they did together, places they went etc. Once, quite early on, he mentioned something they tried sexually which really pissed me off. He said at the time that he'd said it because he thought I was quite open sexually and was trying to sound adventurous. I've struggled to get that out of my head. To the point that it will just come to mind out of nowhere and almost poisons my thoughts - we can be having a lovely time and I'll just become foul and can't shake it.

He also called me another ex's name, whilst out somewhere. Sounds ridiculous and it's such a small thing but this has been stuck in my head and I feel like I've convinced myself that he's still in love with someone else. She's better than me. She looks a bit like me but prettier etc. They went on a date to a certain unusual sporting event and every time he mentions that sport I just feel sad. I know this sounds insane!

Everything he does, everything he says I feel like I'm watching for similarities with my ex. When we first started dating, before I fell in love with him, I was fun and pretty carefree. The more I've got into it, the more I think I've gone into some sort of weird state of mind. I've become quite depressed and find it hard to relax and have a laugh. I feel like I'm just waiting for it all to go wrong and I know it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know what I'm posting for really, other than that I can't find a therapist and I don't have many friends and certainly no one I can talk to about this. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences and if you've managed to get through it?

I'm not sure I can ever be happy and I feel so angry and upset with my ex all over again for still having this control over my life

loveyoutothemoon Fri 17-Nov-17 21:55:46

I think you're over thinking things. Your partner sounds lovely and you should keep hold of him. Have you considered CBT through your GP? Sounds like you've got some stuff you need to deal with before you can move forward with your relationship.

springydaffs Fri 17-Nov-17 22:02:22

I agree it sounds like you're suffering from PTSD as well as general trauma.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful time flowers

SandyY2K Fri 17-Nov-17 23:58:26

I wouldn't want to hear about any sexual activities my partner did with his Ex. That's ridiculous to me.

I think that

It would really or me right of relationship with him.

Why he geeks the need to tell you about all the places they've been... I really don't know.

Then being called her name would be another reason for me to bail out.

Olicity17 Sat 18-Nov-17 06:46:08

I am out of an emotionally abusive relationship. But it leaves its mark. You see signs of it everywhere. Getting some professional help, will make it easier.

Mrsfluff Sat 18-Nov-17 08:52:31

I've called my partner by my ex's name. This was about 10 months into our relationship and in front of his mum blush I am absolutely besotted with my partner and barely think of my ex., it was a genuine slip of the tongue.

NotTheFordType Sat 18-Nov-17 09:06:43

How long ago did you leave your abusive ex? It sounds like you're really not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship.

If therapy is out of reach, can you look at doing the Freedom Programme? I agree with a PP that it sounds like you have symptoms of PTSD, including intrusive thoughts.

TheNaze73 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:11:56

I think you may need professional help

LyraIsLost Sat 18-Nov-17 10:28:35

I wondered about PTSD because I've been having nightmares and now started thinking I'm seeing ex around (as in, I genuinely see his face when I look at someone in the street, until I look hard and see it's not him). I thought I was being over dramatic but it's interesting that a few of you mention it.

I don't want to go to someone through the GP, I've heard such mixed things about non private therapists and they won't be specialised in DV. The reason I found my last therapist so helpful was because she specialised in this and was previously an independent advocate so understood everything I was going through including the police / trial process.

I haven't been able to find anyone like that in my new city (I've moved). I saw someone a few months ago but found his approach unhelpful.

LyraIsLost Sat 18-Nov-17 10:29:59

Sorry for not answering questions. I left him last summer so it's over a year now. I wondered about being ready to move on but I also thought however long I wait, there will always be some sort of trigger and at least this man is lovely and supportive.

springydaffs Sat 18-Nov-17 11:28:42

There is some good PTSD therapy on the NHS. Bit of a wait, as always, but worth it.

Can you Skype your old therapist?

ALittleBitConfused1 Sat 18-Nov-17 11:51:17

I am 7 months post break up from an emotionally and mentally abusive violent alcoholic. I'm 5 months into therap and am finally seeing the light.
Call women's aid you need trauma councelling, I cannot explain to you how important this is.
Until you un wire the shit in your head the risks are that will you go on to have another abusive relationship or you will completely fuck up a potentially really good relationship.
I can't tell you which one your current relationship is but right now your boundaries , logic, instincts and belief in yourself will be all over the place. This is normal, it is the aftermath of abuse and isn't your fault but is completely treatable. Therapy will teach you, show you, guide you and finally help you recover from the trauma of being in this type of relationship. People that have not experienced this first hand will struggle to understand how you feel. Hugs to you ok.x

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