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I’m having second thoughts.

(55 Posts)
Lostmum72 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:09:04

I’m supposed to be getting married next year, but I’m having second thoughts, but I don’t know what to do for the best I have 2 dcs to think about.

He’s not a bad person I could do a lot worse but so much has happened and I just find it hard to forget about it and move on. We have 4 dcs between us 2 each from previous relationships. It’s so hard with blended families the problems that occur, jealousy between the kids, both of us being protective over our own kids. He shouts at mine quite a lot I feel more than his own, I don’t even feel he really cares about my kids. I’ve had to put up with his dcs saying some awful things about me, his ex causing trouble even coming into the house and writing fuck u notes in my dds room, been to court etc etc. There seems to be 1 rule for his and 1 rule for mine which I get fed up of. I had cervical problems and had to have treatment to prevent cancer he was so horrible because I couldn’t have sex. That was a year ago and I’ve completely gone of sex I don’t know if it’s with him or just in general, it took ages to get over my cervix having all that done to it. I can’t do anything about it though, I stupidly moved town to be with him, changed my dcs schools they are now all settled and doing well I can’t just move them around again because Mum is unhappy. What a nightmare

TammySwansonTwo Fri 17-Nov-17 17:11:32

Of course you can! Much better that than marrying someone that makes you and them miserable. "I could do worse" is not a reason to get married!

Amatree Fri 17-Nov-17 17:12:35

He sounds awful. Don't subject your poor kids to life with him never mind yourself! Demand better than this for them and you!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 17-Nov-17 17:13:43

Please don't marry him.
He sounds absolutely awful.
And him shouting at your kids etc....!!???
They probably don't want you to marry him either.
How old are your DC?
With all the drama with the Ex as well, it's not worth it.
Please bow out and don't 'settle'
You KNOW that is what you are doing!

category12 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:14:41

That isn't cold feet, that's this has been a huge mistake. Growing up with a disinterested/shouty and unfair stepdad is worse than changing schools.

Mxyzptlk Fri 17-Nov-17 17:14:43

I had cervical problems and had to have treatment to prevent cancer he was so horrible because I couldn’t have sex.

Sounds like a creep. And all the other stuff?? Drop him now.

You don't have to move home again, just drop him.

Lostmum72 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:25:43

He tells me it’s just being a step parent and that’s all I get!!

category12 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:29:23

hmm I'd want better for my dc.

wobblywonderwoman Fri 17-Nov-17 17:34:19

Please get out of this now. Someone who loves you would be so worried about you with a worry like cervical treatment

KaliforniaDreamz Fri 17-Nov-17 17:35:34


pallasathena Fri 17-Nov-17 17:36:10

Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you...its never wrong OP.

magoria Fri 17-Nov-17 17:36:16

Your DC are probably unhappy too with such horrible goings on. Unfortunately they don't have a choice.

It will be far better to change things for them now than to marry this man.

Please do it for them.

GatherlyGal Fri 17-Nov-17 17:36:27

Please don't marry him. Things won't get better and it will just be harder to leave.

Either the shouting at your kids or the kicking off because you can't have sex are good reasons to leave.

Also uprooting your kids because you are unhappy is not being unfair on them. Staying with someone who makes you miserable and who doesn't treat them with love and care isn't going to help them in the long run.

MrsAJ27 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:41:03

You and your children deserve better.

GinwithCucumber Fri 17-Nov-17 17:47:09

Oh boy. He sounds like he makes your life harder not better

GinwithCucumber Fri 17-Nov-17 17:48:50

Stay single OP.

I may not be a catch on paper, 47, two kids, but i am not settling for a grump a sexist or a bore.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt Fri 17-Nov-17 17:50:04

Awful. get out now. don't marry him.

Mxyzptlk Fri 17-Nov-17 17:51:44

So he's crap at being a step parent. Is that what you want?

DancesWithOtters Fri 17-Nov-17 17:56:33

Don't marry a man on the basis that you could do worse. sad

Is he good to you? Does he make you happy? If so how?

Laska5772 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:58:02

being a step parent is hard , but Dh and I had one child each when we met and we have made big efforts to make it all work.. it wasnt always easy but we have never shouted at each others children and have always made huge efforts to treat then equally and as if they were both our own. Expartners were (very) difficult at times but we made sure We were a unit and we survived and flourished as a family

I am happy to say that 25years on, I have a wonderful DSD and he has a great DSD. and we have grandchildren!! Both children now have kids ...and they are OUR joint (wonderful) grandchildren..

For yours and all the children's sake please don't settle for anyone who wants or expects less.

Ellisandra Fri 17-Nov-17 17:58:06

Choose as shit a life for yourself as you want (and I hope you don't want it) but you cannot put your children through this.

So what if you moved towns? Stay in the new town. But without him.

Laska5772 Fri 17-Nov-17 18:00:11

He has a great DSS i meant..

supersop60 Fri 17-Nov-17 18:00:36

Please don't marry him. He is not right for you or your children.

Worldsworstcook Fri 17-Nov-17 18:10:00

You're making a BIG mistake if you marry him. Kids are your kids for life, they will not appreciate the double standard treatment and neither will you. You can do soooo much better. You're not desperate and the fact that you're having doubts is enough to cancel any future plans - you know it's wrong

bastardkitty Fri 17-Nov-17 18:13:37

No wonder you have cold feet. Call it off and don't let anyone in your life unless they enhance it. He sounds awful.

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