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Relationships

Has anyone ever got back with an ex? ADVICE NEEDED LOSING MY MIND!

14 replies

fairydusters · 16/11/2017 23:05

NC because details quite outing.

So, my ex and I have been broken up for nearly 5 weeks now. He broke things off after a very tumultuous month of arguing and general bad feeling between us. This started because of the involvement of one of his female friends who put strain on us. I forgave something he did, but never fully let it go as the friend was hanging around a lot and reminding me of the said event. She wouldn't keep her distance and it caused arguments.

When we were breaking up he asked me to finish with him as he had been the one that wronged me. I said I didn't want to end it. So he did, telling me he longer wanted to make me sad anymore. In hindsight, something had to give in the relationship - we were both so angry and it was so tense - a complete change to the care-free relationship we had had in the past. He said he needed to work on his own issues (aggression, depression, alcoholism, previous damage from being cheated on by exP months before he met me), and because of the time apart I have focused on improving my own mental health. We have both made progress with these things and to be honest I am glad of the breather.

However, I really do miss him, terribly. I think about him all the time, and even though the initial sadness has lifted, I just feel it wasn't our time to end.

There's a few indications I feel are there that says he kind of regrets the decision:

  1. For the last 5 weeks, we have contacted each other everyday - texts, phone calls and meetups. Sometimes this is very light hearted and enjoyable, and other times it's discussion of things he did wrong (and things he tells me he feels guilty about, regrets, he cries, etc). We do argue as well - he has said to me today that this is a massive sign there is still a lot of feeling between us - he said if he didn't care, he would ignore my calls and texts about difficult subjects, Weirdly, he said contact of arguing is better than no contact, and he just likes to hear my voice. He said he would have no trouble ignoring me if he didn't care - in his own words, why would he waste hours from his day trying to resolve the issue? and even now, it's back and forth casually texting !!!


  1. I have stayed at his house three times (platonically). We have acted as we always did in this event - watch our shows, cuddle, talk about our lives, where we want to be in a few months time with careers, etc. We slept in the same bed, cuddling and talking until we feel asleep. He has admitted this makes him confused and he spends days missing me after this, that he starts to question why we are apart.


  1. He tells me he misses me, that he loves me, that hes in love with me, that he wants me to be happy/okay, that he worries about me, that he wants to give me a hug. He says he feels like he doesn't have a right to say these things, but that he thinks about me all day everyday - that the changes in his life aren't as enjoyable without me there, that he's lonely in other people's company


  1. He gets annoyed when people tell him to enjoy being single. He has said in no uncertain terms is he looking for something else, and that the thought of being with someone else never enters his mind. He said he struggles to understand how he'll ever be happy with anyone apart from me because I treated him so well, and I was his perfect woman - he said losing me will be a long-term regret


  1. When I tried to initiate no-contact, he didn't stop contacting. In fact, after three days of me not replying to him, and talking to me on the phone, he said it killed him not to be in contact, that he was devastated when he thought I had cut him off. (this would devastate me too). He said he wanted to chat about everyday life with me, that he wanted to know i was okay, that he wanted advice on how to approach situations in his life, etc. Off the back of this, we have arranged to meet for dinner next week.


  1. He has made massive changes in his life from direct influence of me. Drinking has been cut dramatically - no going out getting wasted, counselling started, social situations avoided where alcohol will be.


  1. He has expressed regret of the way he treated me. He is taking responsibility for his shortcomings - said that he wished he had treated me the way I deserved. Said I deserve so much.


  1. Said he would be "devastated, crushed" if he saw me with someone else.


  1. He'll do things to catch my attention if I seem to be moving away - things that would obviously annoy your ex. When I pull him up on it he says he only did it so i'd contact him


I suppose i am confused mainly because there's no talk of giving us another go. At the start of the breakup, he said he wouldn't put me through this again, but all talk of this being final has gone out the window. He has said in the last few days that I deserve someone amazing in the future (but obviously not any time soon). He said the reality of life without me is hitting and he misses me every day and lives in regret of how he treated me. But obviously, he's the one who broke it off, does that make it harder to discuss reconciliation?

No contact is definitely not going to happen, and I know that's the best solution to get over someone, but neither of us are budging on that.

I suppose what I'm looking for is anyone's experiences of getting back with an ex, what were the signs? Was it successful?? Am I going mad???!
OP posts:
AngelaTwerkel · 16/11/2017 23:14

He's stringing you along until he finds someone he likes better. But if you're not willing to go no contact you won't move on anytime soon. No one here is going to offer you words of encouragement to go back to him, believe me.

Phoenixfromashes · 16/11/2017 23:14

I reckon no harm in giving things a second go as long as you watch the signals for what went wrong the first time and are prepared to call it if it goes the same way again

Phoenixfromashes · 16/11/2017 23:15

But - it does sound like you’re being kept as a plan b

fadetoblack · 17/11/2017 21:28

It ended for a reason and without a lot of extra will and effort it is all too easy to end up back in the same routines and arguments.
I say this as someone who went back several times and for several years...and sadly the outcome was always the same...

AnyFucker · 17/11/2017 21:34

I don't understand. In no way is this man your "ex" nor has your relationship "ended"

What was the question again ?

Moanyoldcow · 17/11/2017 21:54

Is this the boyfriend who managed to have sex with your friend whilst you were asleep upstairs?

Forgive me if I have the wrong poster.

SoleBizzz · 17/11/2017 21:59

He is using you to make himself feel better. He will leave you.

AhYerWill · 17/11/2017 22:17

Way too much drama and you aren't even together. Find someone that doesn't live his life like a bad soap opera script. It may feel all 'star-crossed' lovers and romantic and shit now, but when you have actual responsibilities you'll wish you picked an actual adult to settle down and make a life with.

fairydusters · 17/11/2017 22:19

No this is the ex who let her sleep in my bed after a night out

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 17/11/2017 22:30

Ok, apologies.

The only thing I'd say, having had my share of shitty dysfunctional 'relationships' is that when you are with the right person it's pretty free from drama.

It's exciting, it makes you feel exhilarated but it doesn't make you feel anxious and ridiculously confused.

There is nothing about your situation which sounds healthy.

Break the ties and give yourself a chance to experience something real.

alazuli · 18/11/2017 01:29

OP, he broke up with you and it sounds like before then he was trying provoke you into doing it for him. as much as he says he loves you and will always regret losing you, he hasn't actually asked for you back. he's a man - judge him by his actions (or lack of action, which usually means no thanks) not by his words.

sorry if this sounds harsh but he's being selfish by not letting you move and keeping you on the back burner. you deserve better than this. be strong, go nc before he drops you for a new woman.

Shankarankalina · 18/11/2017 01:32

You are glad of the breather.

You miss him.

Those are not mutually exclusive.

But he is dictating the terms (missing you, jealousy, persistent contact) that give you no space to deal with your 'breather' nor to mull over your missing him.

What a crowder he is. Ending it but not getting out of your space. How can you have the space and time to consider what you want when he won't back the fuck off.

Your nine (or so) points are all about him. I'd love if you came up with points about your feelings. No wonder you're confused. You've no space to think about what you want.

McBounty · 18/11/2017 01:45

He's an absolute cock!!!

He's keeping you sweet until he can find someone else to replace you with.

He doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you. He also wants the constant company as I am assuming he is struggling to be in his own company. He's doing these things so that you don't move on while he seeks out other potentials. If he struggles to pick someone else up, I think he'll then come crawling back.

He won't make you happy in the long term, OP. Mark my words.

Itsjustmarley · 18/11/2017 13:03

Yeah OP, he's ended it with you but constantly saying he misses you, regrets it blah blah blah but actually hasnt said he wants to get back together with you. Sounds like he's keeping in contact with you because he's lonely until he does find a replacement otherwise he would of asked for you back.

So I would just ask him outright, if there's such intense feelings between you guys then does he want to get back together, yes or no, no pussy footing around answer, just a straight one. And if it's a no then you'll have to tell him not to contact you as it's unfair as you won't be able to move on with him just lurking around.

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