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Why would a mother not care how her child feels and just apologise what happened to me?

(6 Posts)
pomegranate1975 Wed 15-Nov-17 00:15:26

What would you do?

I am in mid 40s and i wanted to know what would you do in this circumstances?

My father molested me and my two siblings when we were 5 years old and over. My siblings don't care about it and they don't blame my mother. They are very controlling and are narsastic personality. I left home when I was 16 because mum won't put a lock on my door because my memories came back and i told her i was scared of dad coming into my room. My dad still lived in the house until he left her when I was 22 years old. I moved out when I was 16 as mum wouldn't put a lock on my room. She has never apologized till now. We go through ups and downs when i see her not caring about my feelings of what happened. She will always give me a blank look or look at me like i am lying. She denied it at first then my brother said to mum stop lying. I also saw my mum when i was five years old looking at what my dad did and not say anything.
My point to this is my dad just recently passed away and my mum went to his funeral with my brother and sister and also traveled out of their way to put all his ashes overseas etc. I told her i didn't want her to go to his funeral and she went, then I said I didn't want her to go overseas to drop his ashes, and she did go. I told her I felt she was unloyal to me and still think what he did was correct. So since the funeral, i have avoided my mum and not talking to her much, and vice versa. It hurts me to see she has no care in the world to fix this. My mum is 74. I have helped her in so many ways in the last 15 years, getting good prices and deals for her medical, specialist etc, and have been going out of my way to help her in everything. I spend time with her once a week and go lunch, do her shopping etc. I have stopped all helping since the funeral.
My mum never left my dad, he left her eventually. It hurts me so much and when i tell her she gives me a sarcastic face or a face like I am stupid or just stares in blankness. Also when i was year 7 while i was walking to school by myself, a man in a car will drive slowly next to me and kept asking me to come into his car and i kept refusing and running to school and crossing the road. This same guy was doing this for a few months. I told my mum the first time the man that was following me to school, and she brushed it off and didn't care. All she did was work two jobs as a enrolled nurse and have nothing in the fridge but rice in a rice cooker. I remember always starving and always looking in the fridge for food to take to school. I also had skin allergies to the pantyhose all over my legs and showed mum and she didn't care. Even when i had asthma at 12 years old she would hear me wheezing and not take me doctors and then i begged her that i cant breathe properly and she took me to medical centre and then straight away doctors gave me breathing mask.

Why do I feel sad and not strong to completely let go about this? It's like I feel heartbroken, not cared, not loved, not priority and its the worst feeling in the world, its like i am feeling abandoned again. I know i was treating like shit but why do i want this to be fixed?

Why would a mother not care how her child feels and just apologize what happened to me, and not go to my dads funeral and overseas to throw his ashes? Why doesn't she care?

Pineappleundersea Wed 15-Nov-17 00:19:26

It's not your fault she acted like she did. She was not a good mother to you and I'm so sorry. None of this was your fault.

If you need a reason, my best guess is that sometimes people behave like bastards.

Have you ever had any counselling? Did writing this help? Thinking of you.

NotTheFordType Wed 15-Nov-17 00:25:52

OP, I'm so sorry, and I hear you.

You need the Stately Homes thread on this board, where you will find a lot of fellow feeling and support.

Thisisjustbetweenus Wed 15-Nov-17 00:30:17

Your Mother was not fit to be a mother and, for whatever reason, wasn't able to treat you with care and love. This wasn't your fault and you deserved better. I hope you can feel that and get some peace.

And I am very angry at your Mother for failing you - and continuing to fail you - so appallingly. I am sure that she has her own story about why she's ended up how she is but it in no way excuses anything she has done to you over the years. But she will never be the Mother you want or need. She is incapable of it - and it has nothing to do with how you are as a daughter or that you have unrealistic needs. It is all her.

Please talk to someone irl about this and get some peace with it if you can. I am so sorry that she has failed you so badly.

Lovemenoooooww Wed 15-Nov-17 00:51:22

Your mother is as sick as your father was. They are the same. Sometimes a child has one abusive parent unfortunately you had two. That’s very unlucky and not your fault.

You are the only normal person in your family which is why you get the worst treatment and why you are so upset and outraged by what has happened and everyone else goes on like nothing happened.

You aren’t like them, you are better. Even sharing the same blood, you’re still completly different and unique within your awful family. You’re the lucky one.

You’ve been shown they aren’t like you, that they are harmful and disordered so you should continue to cut them all out of your life completly. It’s the first step to healing.

user1498726699 Wed 15-Nov-17 01:01:15

You don't understand why your mother doesn't care because you are nothing like her. Take comfort in that!

She has betrayed you in the worst way possible and it is beyond comprehension flowers. Please get get some support through your GP or with a private therapist to find way to process it and to be able to come to terms with it without it affecting your life any more than it already has. Don't waste any more time on your mother, she doesn't deserve it.

I confronted my mother about similar and she decided that my emotional pain was disturbing the peace she was entitled to in her old age so she cut me out of her life with 'no regrets'. Don't let your mother do that to you, it compounded the pain immensely.

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