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Sexless marriage

(23 Posts)
sunnymum77 Tue 14-Nov-17 21:49:04

Feeling very sad - DH and I have been married for 12 years. From the moment we got married he has hardly been interested in me physically. We didn't have sex before marriage as were both religious and wanted to wait, but it has been such a disappointment that I now wish I had seen things clearly before. My DD was conceived after i had an argument with him about his lack of interest, as if he felt guilty about it. Since my DD was born (6 years ago), we haven't had sex. He just doesn't seem interested in a physical relationship on any level (other than kisses and hugs). Every night since we got married I have gone to sleep with him turned the other way, and for as long as I can remember now, looking at his phone or with earphones in. He is funny and we get on really well on all other levels.
I love my children and enjoy our family life though and don't want to leave him, but feel that this is my lot and very sad about it. I had a lot of negative parental involvement in another relationship before marriage, so broke up with him, but now feel that what goes around comes around - I.e. I broke my ex's heart and now he is happily married and I am lonely (and miss him!).

Myheartbelongsto Tue 14-Nov-17 22:27:50

6 years! It'll never change op so you have to decide if you can live with this or not.

KatieKookaburra26 Tue 14-Nov-17 22:32:14

Could he be asexual?

Ropsleybunny Tue 14-Nov-17 22:35:23

Could he be homosexual?

PaperdollCartoon Tue 14-Nov-17 22:35:26

If you’re religious and didn’t have sex before marriage, could he be struggling with feelings about sex being dirty or other issues around it? When you’ve talked about the problem what does he say?

annandale Tue 14-Nov-17 22:38:30

If you can't live like this any more, and you have a basically good friendship with him, start talking to him. He MUST be aware on some level that this is not normal. You've told him once in your life that you wanted a physical relationship (separately from marrying him) so it is time to tell him that things haven't changed and you still want a physical relationship with him. You need some kind of response before you face the choice to stay as things are or leave; but I think that is the choice you will ultimately face.

sunnymum77 Tue 14-Nov-17 23:09:32

I think he is asexual - is that such a thing?!

sunnymum77 Tue 14-Nov-17 23:10:45

He says he wants to but is too tired/not feeling good/stressed about work etc

annandale Tue 14-Nov-17 23:20:50

If you've wanted to do something for six years but haven't, there is more than tiredness standing in the way.

Ask him to think about how it would feel to be relaxed, not tired. Would he want sex? If not, what would help him to want sex? What else? Persevere. He may end up telling the truth (if you are able to hear it.)

gingergenius Tue 14-Nov-17 23:20:54

I’m confused? You say you love your dc (children?) but say you’ve only got a dd? Have I misunderstood?

KatieKookaburra26 Wed 15-Nov-17 07:14:28

Yeah it’s definitely a thing but I think teens talk about it more. Could you maybe ask him about it?

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Nov-17 07:45:04

The too tired for sex line is often bounded out but, I think it’s an excuse & a piss poor one at that.

We make time for what & who are important & sadly he doesn’t see you as important

category12 Wed 15-Nov-17 08:12:43

Dc can be child or children, gingergenius.

Asexuality is a thing, op. Either way, this lack of sex isn't going to change. How do you feel about living like that? Personally I would choose to leave.

TammySwansonTwo Wed 15-Nov-17 09:27:12

Given the religious angle, I'd be concerned that he may actually be homosexual - if he is it would be very difficult for him to be open about that if it goes against his beliefs. Asexuality is also a possibility.

I would also say that he should be checked out medically - hormonal imbalance can destroy sex drive and cause other issues, there are medical conditions like hypothyroidism that can impact sex drive - not so common in men but they can get it.

I've had long periods of no sex in my marriage due to medications and issues on both sides, but the difference is we've known the problem is temporary and will change. When we are having sex we have it frequently and enjoy it.

I'd tell him that you need to figure out the problem before it destroys your marriage. Hope you can resolve this x

Isetan Wed 15-Nov-17 09:51:32

It takes two to have a sexless marriage, the partner who doesn't want sex and the partner who accepts that they don't have sex. You have to first decide if no sex is a deal breaker and if it is, you need to communicate it and what the consequences are of that not changing.

We can all suggest things that he could do but he clearly doesn't want to, he prefers the status quo and he's prepared to string you along with excuses for the status quo to remain.

You are sexually incompatible and there can only be a comprise if there's the will. It's time to call him out on his "too tired" bullshit, that's a lame arse excuse which has worked for him but in essence, its him shutting down an honest conversation with a lie.

gamerchick Wed 15-Nov-17 10:07:24

I think you’re going to have to push this with him if you want it sorted and not allow him to fob you off.

You may have a choice to make though if you do whether it being the end of your relationship or opening it up. It’s unlikely he’ll change.

Huskylover1 Wed 15-Nov-17 10:26:53

6 Years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Personally, I would be long gone.

A decent sex life is an absolute must.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 15-Nov-17 10:35:22

After this long, he is not going to change, because he doesn't want to change. Either he's gay and profoundly repressed about it, genuinely asexual, or so committed to vile superstitious nonsense than sex is 'disgusting' and, now you have had a baby, no longer necessary.

So I'm afraid your options are restricted to
a) accepting that you will never have sex again (if you bought yourself a sex toy, or pleasured yourself by yourself, would you be able to tell him this? Would he react with horror, or punish you, or forbid you to do any such thing)
b) end the marriage and look for a man who has a similar libido to yours.
c) Consider a few discreet hookups, if you really don't want to leave him. A partner who rejects you sexually and will not discuss the issue or make any attempt to compromise has lost the right to insist on an exclusive relationship.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Nov-17 16:21:39

I think you've suffered long enough.
I'm assuming you are still quite young.
You do NOT want this to be your life forever.
It's soul destroying.

PaintingByNumbers Wed 15-Nov-17 16:26:42

A,b,c as SGB says. This is something you only have so much control over. Honestly, if you insisted, say, on once a week sex, would you really want it if you knew he didnt? His desire isnt going to suddenly appear, so that leaves you with options a/b/c (option c can be an open marriage)

Iris65 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:34:36

I lived for 15 years in a sexless marriage. Nothing I said or did made any difference.

Sorry, but it won't get better and you face a stark choice.

I thought I could manage it, then I met someone and left my husband.

My affair didn't end well.

Love is a minefield.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 15-Nov-17 16:40:15

TBH the discreet hookups frequently end with an affair and exiting the marriage. But that's OK.

(Let me just save other posters a little time on this topic. It is not the same situation as a woman with a newborn losing all interest sex due to her H doing fuck all domestic work and then shoving his dick at her every night. I am not arguing that someone who doesn't want to have sex should just put up with it to please a partner. OP's situation is one in which the low-libido partner is being selfish and lazy, and therefore OP does not need to feel guilty about doing what will make her feel better.)

swingofthings Wed 15-Nov-17 18:22:34

You have no choice, you either accept that this is something you are giving up for the family you otherwise enjoy, or you decide that you will not be able to be happy without it in which case, you might as well give the marriage up and hope to find someone as good as your OH in every way who will also fulfill you sexually.

Not an easy one, but as others have said, it will not change. It is more common than believed to be that some men, as some women, have no interest at all with sex. It can be due to issues in their past, or it can just be that they don't get the drive most of us do and/or no pleasure from it.

What is most is the fact that he doesn't feel he can talk to you about it. Again, it could be due to deep seeded issues. I'm sure you must have tried to get him to open up. Have you ever showed him how sad or angry it makes you feel?

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